When People Ask If You Have Children Or How Many…
November 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
How do you respond?
Many times since we were blessed with our son Blake in August of this year, we are asked if he is our only child. He is obviously not our only child since Katelyn is our firstborn, but it is tough to find the right way to answer this question. Our typical answer? No, he is our second child. If we do not go on to tell them about Katelyn Grace, undoubtedly the next question is, ‘Well where is he or she?’
Scott and I usually look at each other, not always sure how to respond depending on where we are and who is asking. Our standard answer has been that we had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.
Around 99% of the time, people just say ‘I’m sorry’. We assure them that they didn’t know, so they should not feel bad about their question. Sometimes, depending on the audience, I will even pull out a picture or two of Katelyn to show them. I rarely leave home without her pictures, mainly because I find comfort in being able to pull them out and look at them wherever I am. Honestly, I feel like something is missing when I don’t have her pictures with me.
The other day as we were walking away from a store in which we were asked about how many children we have and where the other one ‘was’, Scott came up with the best answer to use in the future. When people ask us where Katelyn is, he suggested that we answer “She is with Jesus”. I can honestly say that I was speechless for a few seconds. What a testimony of strong faith shown in such a simple, but profound statement!
Before Blake was born, and people asked us if we had any children, I would answer ‘Yes, but we lost our little girl last year. She was stillborn.” Scott has always answered ‘We had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.” Since Blake was born, we have never once said that he have one child; that would be a lie. We have and always will have 2 children. Even though Katelyn was born and is growing up in Heaven, she is still and always will be our little girl.
Going forward, I want our answer to be that we have 2 children, Blake Alexander and our little girl Katelyn who is with Jesus. That is the only truth we know.
My advice to you? Don’t discount your baby’s existence even though he or she is in Heaven. Use people’s questions as an opportunity to share your faith, even in 4 short words: He/She is with Jesus.
She was stillborn, but she was Still Born.
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
September 28, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
This song captures a lot of what we dreamed about with Katelyn Grace. After listening to the words for the first time, I could feel the pain through each verse being sung. I am not sure exactly what it was, but something in the words prompted me to search online for anything related to Stephen Curtis Chapman and a little girl. I had no idea my search would result in an article about how he lost a little girl too. My heart broke as I read the news article. Maria Sue Chapman went to Heaven just after she turned 5 due to an accident. The circumstances are not the same by any means, but the pain is just as real for both of us and our families.
There is one verse in particular that captures what we imagine it will be like when we meet Jesus and Katelyn in Heaven someday.
“Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You and we both run into Your arms”
This song and the words were definitely inspired by God. What a blessing it is to know that He works through even the most tragic of circumstances. I can only pray for the Chapman family and hope that Stephen is granted some peace just by knowing he is encouraging others who have suffered the loss of a child by sharing his pain through the words to a simple song.
I pray that the words to this song offer some peace to you as we all wait for the day when we will meet up with our blessed little children.
Joy of One, Loss of Another
August 20, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
On August 6, 2009 we celebrated the birth of our son Blake Alexander. 9 days later we remembered the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter Katelyn Grace.
I have to admit, those were a tough couple of weeks. The excitement and pure joy of looking into the eyes of my beautiful, healthy newborn son was a feeling I never imagined. I felt even more blessed because I know how a loss can impact you and how the gift of life becomes more precious than ever. Katelyn’s memory was so close to the surface that I spent a lot of time crying because a part of my heart is still (and always will be) empty. I also spent a lot of time crying for pure joy because Jesus gave Scott and I a gift like no other in our little boy.
As Blake was about to come into this world, I was given another very special gift; I suddenly had an image of Jesus holding Katelyn’s hand, standing and waiting. As soon as Blake was born, I saw Katelyn jumping up and down in excitement. Her dark curls bounced up and down as she clapped her hands. Jesus stood calmly beside her, laughing with her excitement. As Jesus took her by the hand and led her away, she turned, put her tiny hand on her lips and blew me a kiss before skipping off into the distance.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that there is a way we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed, or that they can somehow communicate with us. There is nothing further from the truth. The image in my mind was no doubt a gift from Jesus. It was His way of letting me know that Katelyn would be excited about having a younger brother and that she knows that she will always be a part of our family. She will always be our firstborn daughter and WE WILL meet her again someday.
Katelyn will never be forgotten. She was born in Heaven so to bring her Daddy and I closer to Jesus and so that we could be a resource to other parents of stillborn children. I know and believe that without a doubt.
As I held Blake for the first time I remember that I almost felt guilty for my happiness. He so closely resembled Katelyn with his little apple cheeks, his dark wavy hair, and his cute little button nose. That guilt quickly disappeared as I hugged my little boy close to my heart. He is not a replacement for Katelyn; he is just a beautiful little boy that we will treasure forever.
As each day passes I see more and more of Katelyn Grace in Blake, and I thank God every day for this precious little bundle that did not take Katelyn’s place, but rather gave us the hope that not only will we see Katelyn again but that we are blessed because we have turned her loss into a way to help other families with similar losses.
My prayer is that every family who has suffered an infant loss will place their trust in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him, we would be lost in our grief. By putting our trust in Him we have been given a new life that we will dedicate to Him.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Jesus heard our prayer and he answered it with a little boy named Blake.
Baby Rien
August 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
This is the story of baby Rien, born in Heaven on December 22, 1996. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born. Thanks to Suzan Doedens for sharing her story. Her testimony shows that God is good and He will restore us from our grief and bless us with more than we could ever imagine. Since Suzan is from Holland it is a reminder that stillborn babies are born everywhere, and that there are families all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child. It truly is a small world after all.
My husband and I married in 1993 and from that moment on we very much wanted to start our own family. But while waiting and praying time went by and I didn’t become pregnant. After 1 ½ years we went to the hospital for a fertility examination. The diagnosis was that my hormones were that disturbed that I would never get pregnant without medical treatment. My husband and I believed that those treatments were not the way God wanted us to go. So we had to accept the fact that we would not have children of our own. In the following time we focused on becoming foster parents: Taking care of children that cannot live with their own parents due to various problems. On the 21st of December 1996 something strange happened. … I noticed something was wrong with me. I was really terrified because I thought I would die. My doctor examined me and told my husband and me that I was pregnant and that it was the umbilical cord that I felt. I was completely in shock. Pregnant??? I was going by ambulance to the hospital. There an echo graph was made and I appeared to be around 20 weeks pregnant, but the baby already died inside my tummy. My husband and I stayed at the hospital that night and the following morning I was given medicine to activate the delivery. 2 hours later our son was stillborn. We called him Rien. We were overwhelmed by emotions. Within 24 hours we had to find out that I was pregnant without knowing, than we heard that the baby already died and finally, totally unprepared for this, I delivered our baby son. Through all of the emotions we felt that Jesus was on our side to comfort us and carry us in this difficult situation.
In the years that followed our family grew. In 1997 our son Nico was born. A year later another son, Tijmen, was born. In 2002 Amir, a foster-baby son came to live with us; in 2004 another foster-baby son came into our family. We feel very blessed with our boys. We know our Rien is in heaven and we long for the day we will meet him there with Jesus. We don’t understand why Rien couldn’t stay here with us, but knowing that he is with Jesus comforts us.
So that’s our story.
She Was Never Alone
August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.
Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone. I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down. I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her. I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up.
The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home. She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room. I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to hold her one last time.
As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone. She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me. Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.
I remember our pastor coming to perform her service. He was also at the hospital the morning she was born. I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven. He was right. Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me.
Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be. Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.
There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”. I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him. The words to this song are just amazing. ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth. He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.
I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment. I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss. It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart.
So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again. Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).
I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.
A Unique Opportunity – Offering Advice to Doctors
June 25, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Scott and I were asked to tell Katelyn’s story this morning to a group of about 50 doctors at Northwestern Hospital. They wanted to learn more about our experience with losing Katelyn and how the medical community could better handle cases when an infant dies.
In my heart I know God was there with us, because although we have told our story countless times, the content was a bit different this time. We had to vocalize the most painful parts we endured with the doctors, the initial grief, the ‘event’ itself and then tell them what could have been done differently.
Remembering back to 10 ½ months ago when we first learned Katelyn’s heart stopped brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was taken back to that ultrasound room where I received a head nod when I asked if she was dead. God gave me the grace and composure to continue on with our story and the advice we had for the doctors.
Our advice to the doctors was first and foremost “Listen to your patients.” When a mother calls her doctor because she instinctively knows something is not right with her baby, listen to her and insist that she come in to the office as soon as she can. Some of the other advice we gave them was:
- When a patient comes into the office after calling to tell you that she has not felt her baby move for a long time, don’t make her sit in the waiting room. In our case, I had to sit in the waiting room for 35 minutes before they would see me.
- We know how these families feel and we also know that a connection like this was something we needed and wanted after Katelyn died.
- Never refer to the baby as “it” or “IUFD” (Intrauterine Fetal Death or In Utero Fetal Demise) in any conversations with the family or on any paperwork given to them. To this date, the doctor will not put Katelyn Grace’s name on her medical records. Even though she was born without life, she was Still Born.
- Do the thinking for the patient – take a mold of the footprints, make an ID bracelet for the baby with his/her name on it, etc.
- When the patient asks for something, try to accommodate them. Losing a child is not only unbearable, but unknown territory for the parents
- Remember that the baby might be a statistic to society, but he/she is a big part of someone’s family
- Offer the option for a NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) photographer to come in and take pictures. This was offered to us and we can’t imagine going a day without looking at her pictures. She was truly beautiful.
Do I blame the doctor we had for Katelyn’s death? I must admit, I actually did at first. I think it is a natural thing when a child dies with no medical explanation. Do I blame myself? I admit I do that sometimes too. But then I remember that we live in a fallen world and only God has control over life and death. I know in my heart that the pain of losing Katelyn Grace will never go away while Scott and I are here on this earth, but there is comfort in knowing that she is with Jesus and we will see her again someday. In the meantime, we can rest in the knowledge that she is without pain, without tears, without fear or loneliness. She was made perfect in the image of God and remains right there with him.
She was Stillborn, but she was Still Born.
Jayden Allen - Jehovah has Heard
June 23, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I feel blessed when I meet other women who have lost their babies and are a wonderful testimony of how God can get us through our losses and guide us through. After you read Cindy’s story below, I hope you are as encouraged as I was (even through my tears) at the awesome power of our Lord Jesus. We continue to pray for Cindy, her husband Glenn, and their beautiful little girl Emma. This is the story of baby Jayden Allen, born in Heaven on Febriuary 10, 2009. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born.
…Our story begins in July 2008. My husband and I were so busy preparing for our daughter’s first birthday, that I didn’t notice I was late. On August 2nd, I had a dentist appointment. Something inside of me told me to take a pregnancy test … “just to be sure”. Sure enough, it was positive! I was pregnant! The pregnancy was a complete surprise, but once the shock wore off and the news settled in, we became so excited. We knew this baby must have been a gift from God because we were not trying to conceive at all! So I set up my first prenatal visit and began our journey through my second pregnancy.
In my first pregnancy, I was so nervous every time I went to the doctor’s office. For some reason, this pregnancy, I was much less nervous. I did experience some morning sickness and fatigue, but it was not as bad as my first pregnancy. Once we passed the first trimester, I breathed a sigh of relief. We were having a baby! My due date was March 22nd, just one week after my birthday (which I also shared with my mom!) The possibility of three generations being born on the same date was exciting to me. What a blessing it would be! Each night, we would pray together as a family. We prayed for the safety and health of our daughter, and we prayed for our unborn child - that God would help the baby grow and develop perfectly. We prayed that God would watch over our children and protect them… we prayed for a healthy baby.
October rolled around, and we went for our 18 week anatomy scan. The ultrasound tech recognized us from our previous pregnancy (it hadn’t been that long before!) and was excited to see us back. She took all her measurements - and said everything looked good. Then she asked if we wanted to know the sex of our child. Yes! So she moved the probe back over to the side of my tummy, and pointed to the screen and said “there is your little boy!”. My eyes filled with tears and I cried with joy. Our family was complete! We had a beautiful girl, and now we would have a beautiful boy! God has truly blessed us! We left the doctor’s appointments with smiles on our faces that were from ear to ear. We couldn’t believe it… we were going to have a little boy!
We began to think of names. We had several from our first pregnancy, but none seemed right for our little boy. Then one day as I was coming home from music class with our daughter, a name popped into my head. Jayden. I loved it! But would my husband? That night when he got home, I asked him “What do you think about Jayden?”. He liked it but wanted to know what it meant. So we went online and looked up it’s meaning. It means “Jehovah has heard”. Perfect! God had heard our desire to have a son and was answering our prayers. We felt for sure that He had dropped the name in my heart for a reason. So from that day forward, we referred to our little boy by his God given name “Jayden Allen”.
January 6th, my father went in for a routine procedure. I had just begun my third trimester, and because I was considered high risk, I had an ultrasound scheduled each month during the last trimester. So I dropped my father off, and rushed to my ultrasound appointment. I saw Jayden and heard his heart beat and everything looked good. He was growing beautifully! The doctor joked that he was going to be a much bigger baby than my first! But boys were supposed to be bigger and huskier! What I didn’t know was that this would be the last time that I would see my baby alive. My father ended up having an allergic reaction to a medication he was given during the procedure which caused him to bleed extensively internally. He nearly lost his life. I was so scared that my son would never meet his grandpa and wanted my daughter to have memories with him as well. For a week, it was touch and go. We didn’t know if he would make it. I was terribly stressed and worried. Well, after 20 days in the hospital, my father did in fact come home. We were so relieved, but the stress had taken its toll on my body. I told my husband that I felt worse than I had my entire pregnancy with our daughter. In one month, I went from having a relatively pain free, fairly healthy pregnancy to feeling pains in places I didn’t know existed.
The last week of January, my daughter contracted a virus and was throwing up for three days. It was awful to watch her so sick. A few days passed, and she was on the mend - but not before sharing the virus with me. I woke up on Friday morning, January 31st throwing up. It was terrible, being eight plus months pregnant, and throwing up! I contacted my OBGYN, and she told me that if I couldn’t hold fluid down by the evening, I would have to go to the emergency room and have IV fluids. Well, that evening, I was able to hold some fluids down so we were saved from a trip to the ER. Looking back now, I wish I would have gone - perhaps they would have seen something to tell us that Jayden was having trouble.
The following week, I had the first of my weekly non stress tests. It was Thursday, February 5th. They strapped the monitors to my belly, which typically prompted a kick or two from Jayden - but not this time. I thought it was odd, but also had heard that as they get bigger, they don’t move as much. The test was reactive, my OB was satisfied and off I went. My brother was getting married that Saturday, and I had so much to do!
The weekend was filled with activities, and out of town guests. I was busy and did not have time to check kick counts. It wasn’t until the following Monday that I realized I had not felt Jayden move in a while. I thought he was always active in the evening and after my meal. So I waited. We had dinner that night, and I laid on my left side. Nothing. I rubbed my tummy and talked to him. I became nervous, but tried to reassure myself that he didn’t have much room to move. But I had always felt him kick in the middle of the night. That night I waited up. I rubbed my tummy, drank juice. Nothing. I grew concerned, and at 2am, I woke up my husband. He told me to call the doctor right away. I was so scared, so I began pushing my belly harder to wake him up. I thought I felt him move, so I told my husband I would call first thing in the morning.
The next day, I called as soon as the office opened. They scheduled me a late morning appointment to come in and make sure all was ok. I sat nervously throughout the morning but tried to keep myself busy with my daughter. So I dropped her off at my father’s and drove to the OB. They brought me in to the room and tried to find the heartbeat with the monitor. The tech was having trouble, so she said she was going to have the doctor check. She told me not to worry, the baby was hiding. But deep down inside, I knew something wasn’t right. They brought me down to the ultrasound room and my doctor came in. There was no small talk. She said “let’s see what’s going on with this baby”. The minute she put the probe to my belly, I knew something wasn’t right. There was no red blood flow, no beating heart. Just the image of a very still baby. I asked her if everything was ok. She looked at me, and with very sad eyes she said “No, I’m so sorry. There is no heart beat”. With those words, my world shattered, my dreams were crushed. I was numb, and in shock, and scared, and sad all at once. How could this be? What happened? What did I do wrong? Will my husband blame me? How could he not? How could I tell him that our precious little boy, our gift from God, the answers to our prayers … was gone? My doctor suggested that I call Glenn, but I couldn’t. I asked her to call him and just have him come. She did. The next 45 minutes were the longest moments of my life. When he walked in the room, I could tell he had been crying. He hugged me, and held me and we cried together. I must have said “I’m so sorry” a thousand times that day. I felt like I was to blame. Jayden relied on me for life, and I failed him. How could my husband forgive me.
The doctor came back in, and began to discuss our options. Since I had a previous cesarean with my daughter, I had decided early on that we would do another section rather than chance a problem during delivery. I felt like a walking tomb. I wanted to deliver that day. She accommodated my request, and arranged for the delivery that evening. We left the office empty, left with only phone calls to make to notify our family of our loss.
One by one, we called them. We cried, they cried. How could this have happened? We drove to my father’s house to pick up our daughter. He was feeding her when we walked in. We were so broken. We told him Jayden was gone. He was shocked. Everyone was. We sat around his house that afternoon. My sister asked my permission to arrange a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer to come to the hospital. I told her that was fine, but I didn’t know at that point if I would be able to hold him or see him. I was so devastated. She understood, and said she would take care of the details for me.
We left my father’s house and headed to the hospital. We felt so empty as we walked into the Labor and Delivery floor. There was no excitement this time. Only pain. The nurses were already aware that we were coming, and brought us quickly to a room they had prepared for us at the back of labor and delivery. The following hour and a half is a blur as nurses and staff came in to prepare me for the cesarean. I asked to be heavily medicated during the procedure. I didn’t want to be awake as they took my dead baby from me. The next I remember, I was coming to, and the anesthesiologist told me they were just about finished. They wheeled me back to the L&D room where my husband was waiting. I could tell that he had been crying. He told me that he held Jayden and that he was beautiful. The doctor came in and encouraged me to see Jayden. She told me that it would be healing. After a few moments, I was ready. The doctor wheeled him into the room in the plastic bucket that all newborns call their crib for their hospital stays. He was beautiful. They were right, he was perfect. He was my son. My husband and I spent the next two hours with him. We cried, and held him. We looked at his toes, his fingers, his nose, his ears, his hair… examining every detail of our boy. The photographer came in and took a few pictures… pictures that are my cherished treasures now. I look at them daily, and think of the boy that I will get to know in heaven. We know that we will have eternity with him, and at that time, God will restore all the years that we missed with him on earth. We know that if we just trust the Lord, and hold onto His promises, we will see Jayden again. That brings us some comfort.
And so it was, on February 10th, 2009, our son Jayden Allen was born into the hands of Jesus. He was 5 lbs, 2 ozs, and was 19 inches long. We have been on our grief journey for just over four months now. I have forgiven myself for feeling like I failed our son. I know that I did everything that I knew I could to take care of myself during my pregnancy. My husband has never once blamed me. He has been so supportive, and I love him more than ever for it. I still struggle with anger sometimes. Angry that there are people who disregard their children, mistreat them, abuse or even abandon them - but they were given healthy children. Angry that my husband and I wanted our son from the moment we found out that we were pregnant. We planned for him and loved him with all our hearts, and we don’t have him here with us. But our anger is not directed at God, rather its directed at this fallen world that we live in. Here, there is sickness, pain, disappointment, hurt. But we hold onto the assurance that one day, in heaven, there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears. The bible says that he’ll wipe away the tears from our eyes. I know he will restore my heart, and heal the deep pain that has penetrated it when we lost Jayden.
Since Jayden passed, we have met some wonderful people who walk the same road that we do. People we would have never met if it hadn’t been for our son, or their loss of their sweet baby. We still miss Jayden terribly, and some days it feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest all over again. We wish we knew why he had to go so soon, but are trusting in God that His ways are beyond our comprehension. Our goal now is to make his life matter. Bring change to someone else’s life as a result of Jayden. Our prayer is that other parents who are experiencing the same pain as us, will also come to experience the same hope that we have. The hope that one day, we will be reunited with our children in heaven. There is a piece of us that will always be missing, a small void that can never be filled - because it is with our son. But God understands our pain, and cries when we cry - and can mend our broken hearts. My prayer for anyone reading this story is that you will understand one thing - that while we hurt deeper than I could have ever imagined, we are trusting the Lord to heal our wounded hearts. The bible promises us that he will bind up the broken hearted. We daily pray that God would take our burden, and give us peace. Thank you for reading our story. We pray that God would bless you deeply and bring you comfort.
Father’s Day
June 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for fathers who have lost a child to celebrate Father’s Day. They are all Fathers who wanted to be Dads, but were not given the chance with the child that they lost. They wanted to wake up to a laugh, a hug or even just a smile from that child today. They can have that chance one day, but not here on earth.
The loss of a child before they took their first breath outside of the womb is devastating for both moms and dads. I know this because both my husband and I still grieve the loss of Katelyn Grace. We will never stop missing her. The loss may be different for fathers, but it is no less painful. From talking with other moms who have lost children, there seem to be two very different ways that their husbands have grieved. Some feel that since they were never given the chance to be a dad, they are not fathers and often discount their loss. Others, like my husband, embrace the knowledge that they are fathers. They are fathers who will never get the chance to watch their child grow up, but they rest in the knowledge that their Father in Heaven is taking care of their little one.
As the psalmist writes:
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13
The fathers who are without children here on earth should rejoice in the promise that by calling on Jesus to be their Lord and Savior and living their lives for Him they WILL see their babies again. When they do, they will receive that hug. Only Jesus can offer this peace and this promise. They will be with Jesus and their child forever and ever!
My prayer for this Father’s Day is that all fathers who have lost a child will (if they have not already) turn towards Jesus and rest in His promises. His compassion is unending and is offered freely if only they will accept Him.
I also pray that these fathers will celebrate Father’s Day. Even though their children are in Heaven, they are still Fathers to them and always will be.
Whether your baby was miscarried, stillborn, or took his/her last breath shortly after birth, by God’s grace they are all resting in His arms.
Isaac and Hannah - 2 precious gifts
May 14, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I would like to thank Tina Jensen for sharing her tearful yet beautiful story of losing her son Isaac and then her daughter Hannah. What a blessing to read her testimony of how she continues to trust God even through her losses. We keep Tina, her husband Dan, and her 3 precious daughters in our prayers. Here is Tina’s story…
In December of 2007 I found out I was expecting my 4th child. Dan & I had 3 girls, Angie, Lana, & Naomi. All wonderful gifts from God. I felt differently about this baby, I felt so honored & blessed that God would give me another child. I was truly elated. But then I got so sick, I was queasy at every turn, I was in bed most of the time or just tryin to function through the day. I remember going in to my Doc appointment at about 12 weeks & hearing that sweet heartbeat, & I didn’t care how sick I was! There was my baby! That beautiful beautiful “swish swish” sound. Again, I had that feeling of ” God, you love me so much, thank you”
So, the nausea passed & I was back to my old self. At 18 weeks I came down with a cold. I felt terrible & went into see the doc & went home with a script. He didn’t check the heartbeat & I remember thinkin how odd, but now I know it was Gods grace.
The following night I started having some spotting, I remember havin that moment where I could hear my heart thudding in my chest. I was so scared, I told Dan & we called the Dr who was not alarmed. He asked if I was having any cramping or fever, I said no & in fact the spotting had stopped. So he told me to come in the next day for an ultrasound. I remember praying that night with Dan & the kids, I asked God to please let this baby be OK.
The next day Dan & I went into to see our Dr. He started the ultrasound & I saw right away there was no “flutter” no movement. Nothing, the Dr was asking questions & I just knew, I just thought “why isn’t he sayin everything is OK???”
He said “I’m sorry, I’m not seeing what I want to see here, I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat”
I laid there & cried & cried, Dan took my face as he cried & said “we did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong, God wants you to know you did nothing wrong”
The Dr turned & said “you know the Lord right” I am so thankful God put him in our path for this trial. The Dr led us in prayer, I really don’t remember much of what he prayed, or Dan, I just know I kept saying over & over ” I won’t stop loving you God, I won’t quit, I won’t stop loving you.
This was Friday Feb 22.
I had to wait to be admitted in the hospital until Monday, we were planning a home-birth, so I had to go to the hospital with a different Dr.
We had an ultrasound to confirm our sweet baby was gone, he had been gone about 2 weeks. I was induced & waited several hours before any contractions started. Those were very difficult hours. I was so broken. I wanted to run from there, I wanted my child. Dan & I sat there & tried to figure out names, we didn’t know yet if we had a boy or girl. At one point I began to sincerely freak out. I started telling Dan I wanted to bring the baby home until the funeral, It wasn’t fair! They shouldn’t be able to keep my baby from me, I can’t do this I can’t leave my baby here, I can’t do this. He prayed that God would bring me peace quickly & give me the strength to let go when it came time. The nurse came in & i told her how I felt, she looked at me & said “you’re baby isn’t here, you’re baby is in heaven being loved on by God, this is the body, but you’re baby isn’t here”
I know that may sound harsh to some, but it’s exactly what I needed to here.
My son, Isaac Jeremiah, was delivered into Jesus arms February 26th, 2008 at 3:46 am.
He was completely beautiful & amazing. So tiny yet so fearfully & wonderfully made. Praise God.
I held him & asked God to make these moments last a lifetime. I know I only held him a short time but it felt like forever.
We had a small service for my son the following Thursday. I never knew I would be the person up at the front, the long line of people waiting to express their sympathy. It was surreal.
I wish I could say that’s the end of my story but it’s not. There’s my sweet Hannah Joy.
We found out we were pregnant again, I was shocked but happy. I felt God knew we were ready & He was blessing us again so quickly. I was so scared most of the time, there were so many times I wept at the alter. Asking God to help me trust & let go. I prayed & cried all the time. When I went to the first appointment I was excited & nervous. The Dr said everything looked fine & he didn’t foresee any problems with this pregnancy. So things moved along as they should. I felt Hannah move early on & heard her hear beating at 12 weeks! Dan prayed every night for her, he would lean in to mu tummy & talk to her. He’d tell her about his day & how much he loved her. She would kick at him from time to time. It is one of my best memories of her. She loved her daddy.
At 18 weeks I had an appointment, I was so terrified. We found out at 18 weeks about our sweet Isaac. I remember sitting in the parking lot crying & crying. I knew I couldn’t walk in there without first letting go. I had to lay Hannah at the Lords feet once again. And trust Him with my heart. So, God & I had a long talk & once again He gave me the courage to move. To trust.
At this appointment I heard my Hannah’s heart beat for the last time. We had no idea that only a few days later she would die.
I went in for an ultrasound & my sweet princess had gone home. We endured the same pain & heartache as when we lost Isaac. But 100 times over.
There is no words to express the shock of hearing that another child of yours has died. There are no words to convey what it’s like to endure another funeral. To explain to your lil ones that they’re baby sister is in Heaven. To see those sweet little faces droop & hear the question “why”
Wanting to shake your fist up at the heavens & scream “WHY! How could you??? WHY?!!”
I had many days of living in darkness, of living in hopelessness. I lived in death for a long time. But God never changes, I can change upside down & inside out. But He, stays the same. You see, He was there every step, every scream, every tear. He never left my side, in fact He carried me the entire time.
I have a new found love & passion for Him, I still hurt & even get ticked sometimes. But when those emotions come I run to Him. I plead with Him for my heart & my sanity to not allow me back into that pit. He has been faithful, as He always is. And ever so patient.
I have yet to know “why” my children died. But I do know that they are in His presence & completely filled with His perfect love. And that brings me peace.
Thanks for letting me share my Isaac & Hannah with you.
Tina~
Mother’s Day
May 10, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Just thinking about Mother’s Day brought some sadness with it because Katelyn was not here to spend the day with us. At the same time I felt some joy in my heart because I was given the gift to become a Mom. Sure we lost Katelyn, but we had the joy of meeting her, and were given the promise from our Father in Heaven that we will see her again.
Never forget that you became a Mother when you first found out you were having a baby.
Never forget that you became a Mom when you shed your first tear in excitement as you watched your baby move on an ultrasound, or heard his heartbeat.
No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, you are a mother and a mom and you will always be.
So I pray that all Mothers whose babies were born in Heaven have a wonderful Mother’s Day. I pray that when people ask you if you have children, that you respond similarly to how I have (based on your situation). “Yes, I have a daughter, but she did not make it home from the hospital.” I will always be a Mom, so will you.
Katelyn was stillborn but she was Still Born. Whether your babies were considered a miscarriage, stillborn, or went to Heaven soon after birth, they are all precious in Jesus’ sight. They were all Still Born. Never forget that.
