A Mother’s Memories
April 30, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
My husband and I often wonder how different losing Katelyn would have been if we were given the chance to make memories with her.
I remember the first time I heard Scott mention that we don’t have any memories of Katelyn.
In many respects that is true. We never saw her open her eyes nor did we ever hear her laugh. We never felt her arms wrap around us for comfort or smile as she looked our way. Later that night, though, I started to think about the special moments that I was able to experience with Katelyn as I carried her that a father would never fully understand.
I remember nearly a year ago when Scott and I went dolphin watching. No matter how hard our guide whistled for dolphins, or tried to get near them, they were always at a distance. I had learned shortly before our trip that dolphins can sense babies and if a pregnant mother goes into the water, they often surround her. Suffice it to say, I stayed out of the water, but as I leaned over the front of the boat a little bit dolphins started coming from all directions. It was amazing. They swam on both sides and came very close to the front of the boat, lifting their heads out of the water. I can’t even describe how incredible that felt. What an awesome God we have that created these beautiful animals with the ability to sense someone that they could not see!
I also remember the many nights when Scott would read stories from Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh, and The Bible to Katelyn and I at night. I would feel her jump around at the sound of his voice. He was able to feel it from the outside, but I can only imagine how different that must have felt compared to what I felt from the inside. She loved his voice, and no doubt would have been Daddy’s little girl.
I can’t stress enough that though she was stillborn, she was Still Born.
A Father’s Pain
April 11, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As I reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus years ago, I wonder how God must have felt when He offered His Son to die as payment for our sins. Indescribable is the only answer I can come up with. First because we do not have the capacity to even imagine how God works, and second because we have not experienced what He has. We lost our daughter Katelyn, and that was the most painful thing that Scott and I have ever experienced. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if she suffered first. We can rest in the comfort, though, that she never felt pain. She opened her eyes for the first time and saw Jesus.
I have heard many people ask “How could such a Holy God stay silent as His Son was brutally tortured, shamed, beaten, and killed?” Because He knew it was the only way the relationship would be restored between Him and all of humanity. Sin separated us from God, but through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are offered the gift of eternal life.
John 3:16 tells it all. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
If it was not for Jesus offering His life as atonement for our sins, we would not ever be able to be restored to our Father in Heaven. “And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil 2:8
Every time I think of how brutally Jesus was tortured and killed, though He was (and is) pure amd innocent in spirit, tears well up in my eyes. These tears are of shame for my sin that He bore on the cross, and tears of joy that I have been forgiven. I would be nothing without Him.
This unconditional love of our Father is such an amazing blessing. More and more each day I want to be more like Jesus. I trust that He has Katelyn safe in His arms, and I no longer need to need to know why Katelyn went straight to Heaven to be cradled by Jesus, rather than growing up with Scott and me. I rest in the peace that He is in control of our lives, and we need to trust in Him.
I recently found a verse that I now hold close to my heart as we remember Jesus’ resurrection on Easter.
“…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2
If it was not for Jesus’ sacrifice, we would never see our precious Katelyn again. Through Him, we know that we will. Crying out to Jesus for his comfort, thanking Him for each and every breath we take, and letting others know how much He has changed our lives and continues to work in us is our one desire. Call to Him and He will give you rest.
Praise be to our God. Thank you Jesus for the cross.
Getting Through A Loss, Not Over One
March 28, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
There are so many cliches out there like “This too shall pass”, “Time heals all wounds”, etc. etc. I could probably list about a dozen or so but I won’t. Trust me, when you are going through a loss, simple words of advice offer little comfort. Some people will say ‘you will get through this’. And they are right, you will. Others, however, will say, ‘you will get over it’ and will expect you to ‘return to normal’ rather quickly. My friends, these people are incorrect. First, there is no returning to the ‘normal’ you were before; second, you will never truly get over your loss. Your grief for your baby will forever be in your hearts. It might not be as intense, but it will always be there. Why? Simply put, our hearts will never ever stop loving those who have gone on before us.
There are some weeks when I feel like every day since we lost Katelyn has brought with it another learning experience. It is amazing how reactions from other people have had such an impact on us. We could have written a book on all of the different ways people treated us after Katelyn died, including the words that comforted and those that didn’t. Some friends and family chose avoidance, others compassion, others were there with us every step of the way, and still others brushed us off like we were making a big deal out of something that was not that important at all. Following a loss like ours, it quickly becomes very apparent who truly, completely and without a doubt has Christ’s love in their hearts. This love shone and continues to shine above all others. What surprised us the most was the reaction from some close friends and family who claim to love the Lord with their whole being, and yet were part of the avoidance group and still remain there.
I have to admit, there were times when I was not always that shoulder that someone needed to cry on, or that available listener in the middle of the night. Since we lost Katelyn, though, I look at these situations differently. I am also more cognizant of the fact that sometimes when people are flat out mean and hurtful, there could be something they are experiencing that is causing their behavior. The main reason is because there is no way for me to tell at face value what trials a person is going through, has already experienced, or is about to experience. Maybe they are not even going through a trial at all. Maybe they are just miserable with life and feel better when they make everyone else feel as miserable as they do. No matter the reason, I now fully understand that nothing I can say or do will change that person’s heart. Only God can.
I remember a few weeks after Katelyn died and going back to work and feeling the pity around me and the sadness. My wound was still fresh so I was emotionally not ‘all together’ as you might say. I shared my story with a select few individuals at first, and then to more as time went on. I remember vividly that there were some people who (though they did not voice this) thought I was loony or something because my faith in Jesus had grown stronger. I was gathering all my strength from Him. To be completely honest, I don’t think Scott or I would have been able to get through losing our baby if it wasn’t for the strength and hope we receive from Jesus.
A few weeks after going back to work I was literally torn to pieces during a conference call with a colleague in the company. Since this incident happened so soon after losing Katelyn, my emotions were still very raw and close to the surface. Rather than lashing out at this person, I used my new defense mechanism; I cried. There were at least 10 or so people on the phone who sat on the other side of the phone silent during the whole exchange. I received multiple instant messages from others on the phone telling me “You’re doing fine”, or “Don’t worry about it, you’re doing a good job”, etc. Not one of them spoke up though; they were all too afraid to stand up to this person. Was the verbal lashing I received valid? Honestly, no. But at that time I did not have the strength to fight back. Professionally, I had poured myself into my work as much as I could, but emotionally I was worn down. Why am I telling you this story? Because once you experience the loss of a baby like we did, other things that were once top priorities fall more towards the middle. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very passionate person and still pour myself into everything that I do, but there are some things that are not as important as they once were. The main thing I have learned is that I cannot get through this or any other less than positive experience on my own. I need Jesus.
Back to the whole premise of this post; I am getting through this loss, but will never fully get over it. And that is okay. Getting over it to me is like forgetting about Katelyn all together. That will never happen.
There is no way I could even list all of the general and specific knowledge we have gained about people, about grief, about loss, about hope, about healing, about listening, about resting, about trusting in God, and just about getting through. I do know one thing for sure, for true healing we need to give it all to God; all our fears, our sadness, our grief. Only He can truly give us rest and heal our hearts. There will always be days when we break down and feel lost with our grief, but that only makes us human. It is on these occasions that we need to pray for Jesus to carry us through. If on these days you sometimes don’t know exactly how to ask Jesus to help you through, meditate on the words in Psalm 71:1-3:
In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame!
In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
incline your ear to me, and save me!
Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
Never fear. God will never leave you or forsake you. Hold that promise close to your heart knowing that He is cradling your baby in Heaven.
Pray For Those Left Behind
March 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
After Katelyn went to Heaven, we received many cards and letters from family members, friends, church members, pastors and even people we barely knew. Just simply knowing that so many people had us in their prayers made each day a little easier. We could never have endured our loss without the prayerful support of those close to us.
We also received more than a few cards from people with notices that money was donated so that Katelyn would be part of a Mass or a Service conducted to pray for the dead. There are many groups and churches that claim to be Bible-based and Christian, but I can say with true certainty that Katelyn doesn’t need our prayers, and neither do any of the other babies who were born without life. They are with Jesus, so what prayers could they possibly need?
Growing up in a strict Catholic church and school, I remember days when as a class we would pray for our loved ones who had passed since they were supposedly in a place called Purgatory. We were taught that when people die, they go to this place and are basically there waiting for enough people to ‘pray’ for them so that they can gain passage into Heaven. So what about the people who choose Jesus and yet have no family or loved ones to pray for them? Do they just stay in limbo for all of eternity? Absolutely not. Why? The answer can be found in the Bible. Simply put, there is no mention of ‘Purgatory’ in the Bible. Jesus never taught about a place such as this. He did not offer us the gift of eternal life with the stipulation that we would only see Him if enough people ‘prayed us in’. We either choose Jesus and follow Him, or we don’t. There is no gray area. If you need confirmation, read John 3:16: “For God so Loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”
Jesus died for our sins so that we could be forgiven if only we ask this of Him and repent. Again, we have a choice – choose Jesus or choose the world. Period.
Have faith that our babies are with our Heavenly Father. It is only through God’s grace that we have the choice to follow Jesus and live for Him, knowing that we will see Him one day and our babies too.
So, though we appreciate the gestures of these kind souls, we want them and everyone else to know the truth. Heaven is the only place these babies ever knew or will ever know. They are with our Heavenly Father. So do they need our prayers? Absolutely not. Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 18:3 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”
So who needs prayer? The families of these babies. They are the ones feeling the loss. Their babies were Still Born, just in Heaven, not on earth.
A Loss is a Loss
March 16, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I finally made it to the point where I was beginning to heal enough so that I could talk about Katelyn without crying and bring her up in ordinary conversation with a smile on my face. I would try to imagine how much fun she was having with all of the other babies that were born in Heaven, and try to imagine how Jesus was holding each of them at once. I was healing. But yesterday morning, for the first time in a long time, a wave of grief hit me so unexpectedly that I was unable to cope with it on my own.
Yesterday marked 7 months since Katelyn went to Heaven to meet Jesus. To be completely honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to the dates until it hit me right in the middle of a church service yesterday morning. It was a family-centered service where the children who normally went off to classes stayed with their parents for the service. Surrounded by children, and watching some of them run up to the stage to volunteer to sing in a special ‘volunteer choir’ and listening as they sang their hearts out brought tears to my eyes.
Toward the end of the service, there were a few guests who spoke about adoption and how God placed a desire on their hearts to adopt one or more special needs children. The one couple spoke of a very early miscarriage (after just a few weeks) and how devastating that was for them. I then thought to myself, how can a loss that early on be nearly as devastating as losing a child who is within days of being born. I admit I was ashamed at my thoughts, because a loss is a loss, but I have trouble relating their situation to ours since we were within days of holding our newborn baby girl and then her little heart stopped for no medical reason at all.
I just sat for the remainder of the service weeping. I was emotionally spent and feeling very guilty about my thoughts about the other couples’ loss. I took one look at Katelyn’s picture that was in my Bible and tears started to stream down my face. I honestly could not have stopped them on my own. Sometimes people may say I am too sensitive and emotional, but I would rather be able to show my emotions than keep them to myself.
So what helped? Praying for God to forgive me for my thoughts and asking one of the pastors at Harvest to pray for Scott and me. I felt as if we just lost Katelyn yesterday; the sadness was that overpowering. After he prayed with us, I felt completely covered with such a peace that I can’t even describe it.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because even though Scott and I launched this website to help other parents of stillborn babies, we still struggle ourselves. After all, we are only human. Our strength comes from the Lord. The only way we will get through this is through Him. He loves us so much, and holding on to His promises keeps us going every day.
So, for those parents who have suffered early miscarriages, late miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant death, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He was there with open arms when our babies took their last breaths. And I learned a valuable lesson yesterday; no matter when our babies died, we all suffered, and one loss is not greater than another. Know that my prayers are with you, even though we have never met.
E-mails
February 25, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I just came across your site and as a fellow believer in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, I was greatly touched by it! What a beautiful way to take a tragedy and bring the Lord’s comfort and compassion into it! I am so touched by your strength and faith…I pray I would have that kind of faith should I endure such a loss. You have a powerful testimony of His grace.
… Would you mind if I share your website with our families that have experienced the same loss?
My prayers go forthwith, I truly can not imagine your loss.
In His name & for His Glory
*****
I seen your site and think you have done a wonderful thing for honoring your baby and to assist other families facing similar situations. Beautiful site though… thank you, from another angel’s mommy
******
I came across your wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughters story on NILMDTS. I can not in words describe my gratitude to you. Your words of encouragement on this website are a healing balm. I know My Isaac & Hannah are rejoicing in Heaven with my beautiful Jesus. But its so comforting to hear the truth from someone who’s been through more than I think I could bear. I was 5 months with Isaac & 7 months later lost Hannah Joy at 6 months in the womb. My heart is still so very wounded but God speaks to me, He holds me, He takes my hand & leads me. I thank God for you, for your family, for your sweet Katelyn Grace. Fearfully & Wonderfully made.
******
Praise God for you both and your hearts to share your difficult story. There is no doubt that God can and WILL use this for his glory. I pray that He will comfort you moment by moment and I will also be praying that your ministry grows wings and becomes a place of healing and salvation for others.
Thank you for opening your hearts.
ps- I will be passing your website on to a friend of a friend who lost her new born son.
******
The website is beautiful and your story…is so beautiful. Your testimony of the goodness of God puts me in awe. I have been so deeply blessed by reading your story and knowing you. I will continue to hold you close in my prayers!
May the Lord Bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you: the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
In Him,
Encouragement We Have Received
February 25, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I have heard it said many times “God is never early, He is never late, He is always right on time.” That rings true even in relation to this website. It is the quality of responses we receive that matters, not the quantity. However, there are times when we doubt if we are truly helping other parents with this site. It is during those times that we receive an e-mail of encouragement that proves to us that God is at work on this site. When Peter was walking on the water towards Jesus in Matthew 14:31, his faith started to waver as he watched the rushing waves and began to sink and cry out to Jesus to help him. What did Jesus do? “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.”You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
We need to remind ourselves over and over that Jesus is in control, we just need to believe it.
We wanted to share some of the e-mails we received. We hope they will minister to you as they continue to minister to us.
We Grieve for Ourselves
February 24, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I looked outside my window today and tears came to my eyes. The sun was bright as it reflected off the mounds of snow in the yard. Though it is not here yet, Spring is coming soon. My first thought was ‘here comes another season without Katelyn’. She would have been 6 months old now; old enough for first words, long stroller walks along the beach, and high-pitched giggles as I would lean down so her feet could touch the lake water. I longed for that more than anything when I saw other parents with their babies at the beach last Spring and Summer. What we have instead is a tree by the beach dedicated to Katelyn Grace.
In my heart I know Katelyn is in Heaven with Jesus, but my mother’s heart longs to see her. I know my husband and I will be reunited with her one day, and that gives us more peace than anything else in this world. Paul states it perfectly in his letter to the church in Thessalonica. In 2 Thessalonians 4:13-14 he wrote “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep..”
We have that hope, therefore although we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. We don’t grieve for Katelyn because she is already in the place where we want to be when our lives come to an end on this earth; we grieve for ourselves because we miss her. We do know we will see her again and that hope alone is sufficient.
It’s times like these when I wonder about the mothers and fathers who lost their babies and yet have no hope. I can’t even imagine what they must be thinking or feeling. Without hope, what do they have to comfort them? Without knowing that Jesus will reunite them one day if they follow in His ways and believe in Him, what else is there?
So to all of you who are reading this and do not have that hope, and are suffering through your loss on your own, I want you to know that it is not too late. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Our hope is that you will come to Jesus for the peace and comfort that only He can offer.
We don’t have all the answers, but we have the truth, and the hope that comes with it. It would be an honor to share what Jesus has done in our lives with anyone who does not have that hope yet. We pray that you will find it in Jesus. And if you cannot seem to find Him on your own, let us know and we will lead you to Him.
Jesus is smiling as He holds our babies right now. Always remember, they were stillborn, but they were STILL BORN.
King David’s Baby
February 9, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
“David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”” 2 Samuel 12:16-23
This portion of scripture begs the question, why didn’t God save David’s baby? After all, he pleaded with God, he fasted, he spent 6 days praying for God to change His mind and save his son. These verses were preceded by David’s affair with Bathsheba, a married woman, and his successful plot to kill her husband so he could have her as his own. God was well aware of David’s sin, and Nathan the prophet was sent to tell David that his son would die. God’s punishment for David’s sin was the loss of his son.
For days David called out to the Lord for His mercy, and was inconsolable until the baby died. Once the baby died, David’s grief-stricken heart seemed to be at peace. It is hard to comprehend until you read the last verse when David verbalizes what he believes to be true. “Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me”
David realized that the child’s suffering was over, and that his son was now in Heaven with his Heavenly Father. David did not turn his back on God for this loss, rather he accepted his ‘discipline’, confident that he will see his son again. David knew that there was nothing that he could do to convince God to bring his son back to him, so rather than continuing to grieve, he showed his inner peace by those simple words. “I shall go to him…”
If there is any verse that you keep close to your heart when you go through the hard days, deeply mourning the loss of your child, be comforted by the knowledge that through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, you can and will see your baby again.
You might be asking, does that mean that God took away my baby because of my sin? The answer is absolutely not. Even as Christians we might struggle with that possibility and start blaming ourselves. No matter whether or not we find out what caused our baby to die, we often shift blame to ourselves. It is important to tell yourself over and over again that it is not your fault; that your loss was not a judgment from God for your sins; that God did not cause your baby to die.
David knew he would pay the price of his son in atonement for his sins. But that was before Jesus came to live among us. Jesus Christ came here to save us and ultimately died for our sins. Jesus bridged the gap between God and man. Once we confess our sins to our Father and repent, He is faithful and just to forgive us. So, if you are trying to find a reason, or a sin that God is punishing you for, wipe that thought from your mind. Instead, pray for peace and God’s mighty strength to get you though this trial, not around it.
Always remember, our babies were stillborn, but they were Still Born.
Lamentations
February 1, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 22-26
When Jeremiah was writing this poetic book, he was feeling a bit alienated by God. He was grieving the loss of Jerusalem to the Babylonians. The destruction of Jerusalem was the result of God’s judgment for the Israelites’ sin. Jeremiah knows this. It was not Jeremiah’s sin that caused the resulting judgment on Jerusalem. He felt this loss very personally though. Even as he grieved, He called out to God. He knew that God is a God of grace and able to restore anything or anyone.
In our situation, we were at first feeling a bit alienated by God as well. Our grief for the loss of our daughter was overwhelming. Our own personal sin did not cause Katelyn to die. This was not an act of judgment by God. We know that. But we also know that we live in a sinful world and the loss of a stillborn baby with no medical explanation is due to an imperfect world. Although that is very hard to accept, we have prayed and received peace from God that we don’t need to know the answer. Knowing she is in Heaven with Him is enough.
Jeremiah’s strong faith through his experience has taught us that even though we have lost our daughter, it is only temporary; Scott and I will one day see her again. Meeting Katelyn with Jesus is our prayer, and through the saving blood of Jesus Christ we know we will.
We have also learned that waiting on the Lord is vital to keeping our hope alive. We will be restored as a family in Heaven one day. Until then, we trust completely in Him. What a great example of waiting and trusting in the Lord that Jeremiah is. It is an example that we try to follow.
God is the light in the midst of the darkness, and our hope is in Him!
