Five Months Later…

I really thought planning the funeral services was the hardest thing I would EVER have to deal with.

Certainly it was difficult but here we are 21 weeks later and I have found the hardest part is right now.

I had several feelings coursing through my body in August. It was never just isolated to one specific emotion. The anger is gone, but I can’t yet say I have accepted losing Katelyn. Now, the dominate feeling I have is sadness. Through the creation of this website we have been able to open our hearts and share with you our story. But just know this, I am a private person. Guys just don’t open up and spill their emotions on a webpage. Sharing the story is getting easier because I get to talk about Katelyn when most everyone else has stopped. I am not 100% sure how I would initiate a conversation like that with someone else. Knowing me, I probably wouldn’t.

My sadness is typically then followed by an overpowering feeling to withdraw from whatever is going on around me. Today my priorities are still somewhat sketchy. My wife and her happiness are still my number one. I do a lot of dumb things just to see her smile. I am certain there would be a video clip on YouTube if I would allow her to tape some of the things I do. After her happiness, I can’t really say what motivates me. Once I think I’ve got things in order…I realize they’re not. I still flip flop on what I feel should be important.

In one of our grief sessions the facilitator said, “Your life will return to a new normal.” Although it really wasn’t defined for me what this new normal is; I have accepted the fact that I am not the same person I was in August. In some respects, I am OK with this change. I am just not happy with the event that has caused this transformation. My faith in God is stronger. I turn to the bible more now than in the past. I read passages highlighting Hope and Strength. I’ll frequently re-read the passages posted on this site and click through some of the links. I am finding every little bit helps.

Lastly, I was hesitant to post Katelyn’s picture on this site. Up until the launching of this site, I had only looked at her pictures twice. It’s still difficult for me to look at them. Now, whenever I am on this site I stare at her picture in amazement and wonder.

Click on Our Story and go to the drop down to see what else has helped us. Hopefully it can help you.