She Was Never Alone

August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.

Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone.  I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down.  I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her.  I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up. 

The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home.  She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room.  I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms.  I wanted to hold her one last time. 

As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone.  She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me.  Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.  

I remember our pastor coming to perform her service.  He was also at the hospital the morning she was born.  I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven.  He was right.  Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me. 

Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be.   Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.

There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”.  I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him.  The words to this song are just amazing.  ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth.  He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.

I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment.  I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss.  It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart. 

So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again.  Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).

I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.