Joy of One, Loss of Another
August 20, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
On August 6, 2009 we celebrated the birth of our son Blake Alexander. 9 days later we remembered the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter Katelyn Grace.
I have to admit, those were a tough couple of weeks. The excitement and pure joy of looking into the eyes of my beautiful, healthy newborn son was a feeling I never imagined. I felt even more blessed because I know how a loss can impact you and how the gift of life becomes more precious than ever. Katelyn’s memory was so close to the surface that I spent a lot of time crying because a part of my heart is still (and always will be) empty. I also spent a lot of time crying for pure joy because Jesus gave Scott and I a gift like no other in our little boy.
As Blake was about to come into this world, I was given another very special gift; I suddenly had an image of Jesus holding Katelyn’s hand, standing and waiting. As soon as Blake was born, I saw Katelyn jumping up and down in excitement. Her dark curls bounced up and down as she clapped her hands. Jesus stood calmly beside her, laughing with her excitement. As Jesus took her by the hand and led her away, she turned, put her tiny hand on her lips and blew me a kiss before skipping off into the distance.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that there is a way we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed, or that they can somehow communicate with us. There is nothing further from the truth. The image in my mind was no doubt a gift from Jesus. It was His way of letting me know that Katelyn would be excited about having a younger brother and that she knows that she will always be a part of our family. She will always be our firstborn daughter and WE WILL meet her again someday.
Katelyn will never be forgotten. She was born in Heaven so to bring her Daddy and I closer to Jesus and so that we could be a resource to other parents of stillborn children. I know and believe that without a doubt.
As I held Blake for the first time I remember that I almost felt guilty for my happiness. He so closely resembled Katelyn with his little apple cheeks, his dark wavy hair, and his cute little button nose. That guilt quickly disappeared as I hugged my little boy close to my heart. He is not a replacement for Katelyn; he is just a beautiful little boy that we will treasure forever.
As each day passes I see more and more of Katelyn Grace in Blake, and I thank God every day for this precious little bundle that did not take Katelyn’s place, but rather gave us the hope that not only will we see Katelyn again but that we are blessed because we have turned her loss into a way to help other families with similar losses.
My prayer is that every family who has suffered an infant loss will place their trust in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him, we would be lost in our grief. By putting our trust in Him we have been given a new life that we will dedicate to Him.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Jesus heard our prayer and he answered it with a little boy named Blake.
She Was Never Alone
August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.
Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone. I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down. I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her. I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up.
The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home. She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room. I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to hold her one last time.
As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone. She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me. Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.
I remember our pastor coming to perform her service. He was also at the hospital the morning she was born. I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven. He was right. Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me.
Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be. Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.
There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”. I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him. The words to this song are just amazing. ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth. He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.
I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment. I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss. It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart.
So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again. Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).
I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.
A Unique Opportunity – Offering Advice to Doctors
June 25, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Scott and I were asked to tell Katelyn’s story this morning to a group of about 50 doctors at Northwestern Hospital. They wanted to learn more about our experience with losing Katelyn and how the medical community could better handle cases when an infant dies.
In my heart I know God was there with us, because although we have told our story countless times, the content was a bit different this time. We had to vocalize the most painful parts we endured with the doctors, the initial grief, the ‘event’ itself and then tell them what could have been done differently.
Remembering back to 10 ½ months ago when we first learned Katelyn’s heart stopped brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was taken back to that ultrasound room where I received a head nod when I asked if she was dead. God gave me the grace and composure to continue on with our story and the advice we had for the doctors.
Our advice to the doctors was first and foremost “Listen to your patients.” When a mother calls her doctor because she instinctively knows something is not right with her baby, listen to her and insist that she come in to the office as soon as she can. Some of the other advice we gave them was:
- When a patient comes into the office after calling to tell you that she has not felt her baby move for a long time, don’t make her sit in the waiting room. In our case, I had to sit in the waiting room for 35 minutes before they would see me.
- We know how these families feel and we also know that a connection like this was something we needed and wanted after Katelyn died.
- Never refer to the baby as “it” or “IUFD” (Intrauterine Fetal Death or In Utero Fetal Demise) in any conversations with the family or on any paperwork given to them. To this date, the doctor will not put Katelyn Grace’s name on her medical records. Even though she was born without life, she was Still Born.
- Do the thinking for the patient – take a mold of the footprints, make an ID bracelet for the baby with his/her name on it, etc.
- When the patient asks for something, try to accommodate them. Losing a child is not only unbearable, but unknown territory for the parents
- Remember that the baby might be a statistic to society, but he/she is a big part of someone’s family
- Offer the option for a NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) photographer to come in and take pictures. This was offered to us and we can’t imagine going a day without looking at her pictures. She was truly beautiful.
Do I blame the doctor we had for Katelyn’s death? I must admit, I actually did at first. I think it is a natural thing when a child dies with no medical explanation. Do I blame myself? I admit I do that sometimes too. But then I remember that we live in a fallen world and only God has control over life and death. I know in my heart that the pain of losing Katelyn Grace will never go away while Scott and I are here on this earth, but there is comfort in knowing that she is with Jesus and we will see her again someday. In the meantime, we can rest in the knowledge that she is without pain, without tears, without fear or loneliness. She was made perfect in the image of God and remains right there with him.
She was Stillborn, but she was Still Born.
Father’s Day
June 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for fathers who have lost a child to celebrate Father’s Day. They are all Fathers who wanted to be Dads, but were not given the chance with the child that they lost. They wanted to wake up to a laugh, a hug or even just a smile from that child today. They can have that chance one day, but not here on earth.
The loss of a child before they took their first breath outside of the womb is devastating for both moms and dads. I know this because both my husband and I still grieve the loss of Katelyn Grace. We will never stop missing her. The loss may be different for fathers, but it is no less painful. From talking with other moms who have lost children, there seem to be two very different ways that their husbands have grieved. Some feel that since they were never given the chance to be a dad, they are not fathers and often discount their loss. Others, like my husband, embrace the knowledge that they are fathers. They are fathers who will never get the chance to watch their child grow up, but they rest in the knowledge that their Father in Heaven is taking care of their little one.
As the psalmist writes:
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13
The fathers who are without children here on earth should rejoice in the promise that by calling on Jesus to be their Lord and Savior and living their lives for Him they WILL see their babies again. When they do, they will receive that hug. Only Jesus can offer this peace and this promise. They will be with Jesus and their child forever and ever!
My prayer for this Father’s Day is that all fathers who have lost a child will (if they have not already) turn towards Jesus and rest in His promises. His compassion is unending and is offered freely if only they will accept Him.
I also pray that these fathers will celebrate Father’s Day. Even though their children are in Heaven, they are still Fathers to them and always will be.
Whether your baby was miscarried, stillborn, or took his/her last breath shortly after birth, by God’s grace they are all resting in His arms.
A Mother’s Memories
April 30, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
My husband and I often wonder how different losing Katelyn would have been if we were given the chance to make memories with her.
I remember the first time I heard Scott mention that we don’t have any memories of Katelyn.
In many respects that is true. We never saw her open her eyes nor did we ever hear her laugh. We never felt her arms wrap around us for comfort or smile as she looked our way. Later that night, though, I started to think about the special moments that I was able to experience with Katelyn as I carried her that a father would never fully understand.
I remember nearly a year ago when Scott and I went dolphin watching. No matter how hard our guide whistled for dolphins, or tried to get near them, they were always at a distance. I had learned shortly before our trip that dolphins can sense babies and if a pregnant mother goes into the water, they often surround her. Suffice it to say, I stayed out of the water, but as I leaned over the front of the boat a little bit dolphins started coming from all directions. It was amazing. They swam on both sides and came very close to the front of the boat, lifting their heads out of the water. I can’t even describe how incredible that felt. What an awesome God we have that created these beautiful animals with the ability to sense someone that they could not see!
I also remember the many nights when Scott would read stories from Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh, and The Bible to Katelyn and I at night. I would feel her jump around at the sound of his voice. He was able to feel it from the outside, but I can only imagine how different that must have felt compared to what I felt from the inside. She loved his voice, and no doubt would have been Daddy’s little girl.
I can’t stress enough that though she was stillborn, she was Still Born.
E-mails
February 25, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I just came across your site and as a fellow believer in our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, I was greatly touched by it! What a beautiful way to take a tragedy and bring the Lord’s comfort and compassion into it! I am so touched by your strength and faith…I pray I would have that kind of faith should I endure such a loss. You have a powerful testimony of His grace.
… Would you mind if I share your website with our families that have experienced the same loss?
My prayers go forthwith, I truly can not imagine your loss.
In His name & for His Glory
*****
I seen your site and think you have done a wonderful thing for honoring your baby and to assist other families facing similar situations. Beautiful site though… thank you, from another angel’s mommy
******
I came across your wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughters story on NILMDTS. I can not in words describe my gratitude to you. Your words of encouragement on this website are a healing balm. I know My Isaac & Hannah are rejoicing in Heaven with my beautiful Jesus. But its so comforting to hear the truth from someone who’s been through more than I think I could bear. I was 5 months with Isaac & 7 months later lost Hannah Joy at 6 months in the womb. My heart is still so very wounded but God speaks to me, He holds me, He takes my hand & leads me. I thank God for you, for your family, for your sweet Katelyn Grace. Fearfully & Wonderfully made.
******
Praise God for you both and your hearts to share your difficult story. There is no doubt that God can and WILL use this for his glory. I pray that He will comfort you moment by moment and I will also be praying that your ministry grows wings and becomes a place of healing and salvation for others.
Thank you for opening your hearts.
ps- I will be passing your website on to a friend of a friend who lost her new born son.
******
The website is beautiful and your story…is so beautiful. Your testimony of the goodness of God puts me in awe. I have been so deeply blessed by reading your story and knowing you. I will continue to hold you close in my prayers!
May the Lord Bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you: the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
In Him,
We Grieve for Ourselves
February 24, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I looked outside my window today and tears came to my eyes. The sun was bright as it reflected off the mounds of snow in the yard. Though it is not here yet, Spring is coming soon. My first thought was ‘here comes another season without Katelyn’. She would have been 6 months old now; old enough for first words, long stroller walks along the beach, and high-pitched giggles as I would lean down so her feet could touch the lake water. I longed for that more than anything when I saw other parents with their babies at the beach last Spring and Summer. What we have instead is a tree by the beach dedicated to Katelyn Grace.
In my heart I know Katelyn is in Heaven with Jesus, but my mother’s heart longs to see her. I know my husband and I will be reunited with her one day, and that gives us more peace than anything else in this world. Paul states it perfectly in his letter to the church in Thessalonica. In 2 Thessalonians 4:13-14 he wrote “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep..”
We have that hope, therefore although we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. We don’t grieve for Katelyn because she is already in the place where we want to be when our lives come to an end on this earth; we grieve for ourselves because we miss her. We do know we will see her again and that hope alone is sufficient.
It’s times like these when I wonder about the mothers and fathers who lost their babies and yet have no hope. I can’t even imagine what they must be thinking or feeling. Without hope, what do they have to comfort them? Without knowing that Jesus will reunite them one day if they follow in His ways and believe in Him, what else is there?
So to all of you who are reading this and do not have that hope, and are suffering through your loss on your own, I want you to know that it is not too late. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Our hope is that you will come to Jesus for the peace and comfort that only He can offer.
We don’t have all the answers, but we have the truth, and the hope that comes with it. It would be an honor to share what Jesus has done in our lives with anyone who does not have that hope yet. We pray that you will find it in Jesus. And if you cannot seem to find Him on your own, let us know and we will lead you to Him.
Jesus is smiling as He holds our babies right now. Always remember, they were stillborn, but they were STILL BORN.
Lamentations
February 1, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 22-26
When Jeremiah was writing this poetic book, he was feeling a bit alienated by God. He was grieving the loss of Jerusalem to the Babylonians. The destruction of Jerusalem was the result of God’s judgment for the Israelites’ sin. Jeremiah knows this. It was not Jeremiah’s sin that caused the resulting judgment on Jerusalem. He felt this loss very personally though. Even as he grieved, He called out to God. He knew that God is a God of grace and able to restore anything or anyone.
In our situation, we were at first feeling a bit alienated by God as well. Our grief for the loss of our daughter was overwhelming. Our own personal sin did not cause Katelyn to die. This was not an act of judgment by God. We know that. But we also know that we live in a sinful world and the loss of a stillborn baby with no medical explanation is due to an imperfect world. Although that is very hard to accept, we have prayed and received peace from God that we don’t need to know the answer. Knowing she is in Heaven with Him is enough.
Jeremiah’s strong faith through his experience has taught us that even though we have lost our daughter, it is only temporary; Scott and I will one day see her again. Meeting Katelyn with Jesus is our prayer, and through the saving blood of Jesus Christ we know we will.
We have also learned that waiting on the Lord is vital to keeping our hope alive. We will be restored as a family in Heaven one day. Until then, we trust completely in Him. What a great example of waiting and trusting in the Lord that Jeremiah is. It is an example that we try to follow.
God is the light in the midst of the darkness, and our hope is in Him!
Time spent with Katelyn - Video
January 23, 2009 by Audreys · 1 Comment
Another Katelyn Grace
January 16, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
Below is the story of another baby girl named Katelyn Grace. She joined our Katelyn in Heaven 6 days later. Thanks to Susanne for sharing her story
Hi, everyone. I wanted to share my family’s story, and it’s pretty amazing because my daughter is also Katelyn Grace. Katelyn was born into heaven on August 21, 2008. I had a very uneventful pregnancy, but it was so joyful. We had tried to conceive for about 18 months, taking clomid, being tested for various complications. Then we decided to stop trying, and I became pregnant with Katelyn. We were so blissfully happy, preparing the nursery, sharing our pictures and journaling online so our friends and family could share in the experience with us. We could not wait to meet our daughter. We were so ready!!
I went into see the OB on August 18 for my 40 week checkup, and everything was fine. I was slightly dilated and effaced, but I had been for several weeks. Katelyn’s heartbeat was nice and strong, and she was moving all over. We decided to induce Wednesday night b/c that was the soonest they could get us in. So, Wednesday night we left for the hospital, about 5 minutes from our house, carseat and bags in tow. I hadn’t felt Katelyn move AS much that day, but I was also told she wouldn’t b/c she was engaged in the birth canal already. Monday, the OB could feel her head when she checked my cervix.
So, we were being admitted, changing into the gown, getting the monitors in place. Tammy, my wonderful nurse, was having a hard time locating Katelyn’s heartbeat, and I am became very afraid. No one had ever had trouble finding it before!! She was so healthy! This couldn’t be happening!! Tammy left to page the doctor to perform an ultrasound. The OB came in, confirmed that Katelyn no longer had a heartbeat, that my sweet baby was gone. I was in complete shock. Our parents were there, came in, were told what had happened, and the rest of our family was contacted. I just wanted the doctor to cut her out of me. I couldn’t believe having to go through labor and delivery and not having my sweet girl going home with me. It was unbearable.
But then, I knew deep down, I had to take care of Katelyn. I received my epidural, the medication to begin labor, and I just calmed. I knew when it was time to deliver, and I pushed for 16 minutes before I met my sweet baby girl, Katelyn. She was beautiful, looked exactly like her daddy!! She was 5 pounds, 12 ounces, 19 inches long, and she had big hands and big feet! Now I knew what had been sticking in my ribs for the last few months, those giant feet.
We held her, had her pictures taken, and just enjoyed being with her. I couldn’t help crying and being sad b/c I knew I would never hear her cry, never see her eyes, never see her smile. I was so empty, yet so happy to finally meet my daughter. I was simply overwhelmed. I didn’t want to give her back when I finally chose to be discharged.
We opted to not have an autopsy done, and we had her buried at a cemetary very close to our home. her room has remained the same. I do not plan to change anything until God blesses us with another child. There is no replacing my Katelyn.
Since I lost Katelyn, we now know that I have a gene for a clotting disorder, called MTHFR gene. Meaning my blood can clot too much, and I do not metabolize folic acid well. So, I take folic acid and baby aspirin daily, and I will take heparin injections if I become pregnant again. We also know that I have a somewhat rare placental condition called chronic villitis of unknown etiology. This may or may not come back if I get pregnant again. Again, heparin injections are the treatment of choice.
I absolutely hate that my daughter is not here with me and her family, but I would never have known about anything of these conditions I have if I had not lost her. I miss her every second of every day. I love you, Katelyn Grace Crotty.
