Joy of One, Loss of Another
August 20, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
On August 6, 2009 we celebrated the birth of our son Blake Alexander. 9 days later we remembered the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter Katelyn Grace.
I have to admit, those were a tough couple of weeks. The excitement and pure joy of looking into the eyes of my beautiful, healthy newborn son was a feeling I never imagined. I felt even more blessed because I know how a loss can impact you and how the gift of life becomes more precious than ever. Katelyn’s memory was so close to the surface that I spent a lot of time crying because a part of my heart is still (and always will be) empty. I also spent a lot of time crying for pure joy because Jesus gave Scott and I a gift like no other in our little boy.
As Blake was about to come into this world, I was given another very special gift; I suddenly had an image of Jesus holding Katelyn’s hand, standing and waiting. As soon as Blake was born, I saw Katelyn jumping up and down in excitement. Her dark curls bounced up and down as she clapped her hands. Jesus stood calmly beside her, laughing with her excitement. As Jesus took her by the hand and led her away, she turned, put her tiny hand on her lips and blew me a kiss before skipping off into the distance.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that there is a way we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed, or that they can somehow communicate with us. There is nothing further from the truth. The image in my mind was no doubt a gift from Jesus. It was His way of letting me know that Katelyn would be excited about having a younger brother and that she knows that she will always be a part of our family. She will always be our firstborn daughter and WE WILL meet her again someday.
Katelyn will never be forgotten. She was born in Heaven so to bring her Daddy and I closer to Jesus and so that we could be a resource to other parents of stillborn children. I know and believe that without a doubt.
As I held Blake for the first time I remember that I almost felt guilty for my happiness. He so closely resembled Katelyn with his little apple cheeks, his dark wavy hair, and his cute little button nose. That guilt quickly disappeared as I hugged my little boy close to my heart. He is not a replacement for Katelyn; he is just a beautiful little boy that we will treasure forever.
As each day passes I see more and more of Katelyn Grace in Blake, and I thank God every day for this precious little bundle that did not take Katelyn’s place, but rather gave us the hope that not only will we see Katelyn again but that we are blessed because we have turned her loss into a way to help other families with similar losses.
My prayer is that every family who has suffered an infant loss will place their trust in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him, we would be lost in our grief. By putting our trust in Him we have been given a new life that we will dedicate to Him.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Jesus heard our prayer and he answered it with a little boy named Blake.
Baby Rien
August 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
This is the story of baby Rien, born in Heaven on December 22, 1996. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born. Thanks to Suzan Doedens for sharing her story. Her testimony shows that God is good and He will restore us from our grief and bless us with more than we could ever imagine. Since Suzan is from Holland it is a reminder that stillborn babies are born everywhere, and that there are families all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child. It truly is a small world after all.
My husband and I married in 1993 and from that moment on we very much wanted to start our own family. But while waiting and praying time went by and I didn’t become pregnant. After 1 ½ years we went to the hospital for a fertility examination. The diagnosis was that my hormones were that disturbed that I would never get pregnant without medical treatment. My husband and I believed that those treatments were not the way God wanted us to go. So we had to accept the fact that we would not have children of our own. In the following time we focused on becoming foster parents: Taking care of children that cannot live with their own parents due to various problems. On the 21st of December 1996 something strange happened. … I noticed something was wrong with me. I was really terrified because I thought I would die. My doctor examined me and told my husband and me that I was pregnant and that it was the umbilical cord that I felt. I was completely in shock. Pregnant??? I was going by ambulance to the hospital. There an echo graph was made and I appeared to be around 20 weeks pregnant, but the baby already died inside my tummy. My husband and I stayed at the hospital that night and the following morning I was given medicine to activate the delivery. 2 hours later our son was stillborn. We called him Rien. We were overwhelmed by emotions. Within 24 hours we had to find out that I was pregnant without knowing, than we heard that the baby already died and finally, totally unprepared for this, I delivered our baby son. Through all of the emotions we felt that Jesus was on our side to comfort us and carry us in this difficult situation.
In the years that followed our family grew. In 1997 our son Nico was born. A year later another son, Tijmen, was born. In 2002 Amir, a foster-baby son came to live with us; in 2004 another foster-baby son came into our family. We feel very blessed with our boys. We know our Rien is in heaven and we long for the day we will meet him there with Jesus. We don’t understand why Rien couldn’t stay here with us, but knowing that he is with Jesus comforts us.
So that’s our story.
She Was Never Alone
August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.
Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone. I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down. I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her. I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up.
The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home. She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room. I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to hold her one last time.
As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone. She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me. Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.
I remember our pastor coming to perform her service. He was also at the hospital the morning she was born. I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven. He was right. Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me.
Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be. Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.
There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”. I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him. The words to this song are just amazing. ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth. He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.
I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment. I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss. It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart.
So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again. Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).
I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.
