A Mother’s Memories

April 30, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

My husband and I often wonder how different losing Katelyn would have been if we were given the chance to make memories with her.   

I remember the first time I heard Scott mention that we don’t have any memories of Katelyn.  

In many respects that is true.  We never saw her open her eyes nor did we ever hear her laugh.  We never felt her arms wrap around us for comfort or smile as she looked our way.  Later that night, though, I started to think about the special moments that I was able to experience with Katelyn as I carried her that a father would never fully understand.

I remember nearly a year ago when Scott and I went dolphin watching.  No matter how hard our guide whistled for dolphins, or tried to get near them, they were always at a distance.  I had learned shortly before our trip that dolphins can sense babies and if a pregnant mother goes into the water, they often surround her.  Suffice it to say, I stayed out of the water, but as I leaned over the front of the boat a little bit dolphins started coming from all directions.  It was amazing.  They swam on both sides and came very close to the front of the boat, lifting their heads out of the water.   I can’t even describe how incredible that felt.  What an awesome God we have that created these beautiful animals with the ability to sense someone that they could not see!   


I also remember the many nights when Scott would read stories from Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh, and The Bible to Katelyn and I at night.  I would feel her jump around at the sound of his voice.  He was able to feel it from the outside, but I can only imagine how different that must have felt compared to what I felt from the inside.  She loved his voice, and no doubt would have been Daddy’s little girl.    


Out of the numerous memories I have of Katelyn Grace, there is one that I will cherish forever in my heart.  On February 21, 2008, Scott and I went to the doctor’s for our first ultrasound appointment together.  Just looking at his face as he leaned forward to watch Katelyn move around and seeing a tear make it’s way down his cheek made me realize that I would never love anyone else in my life as much as I love my husband.  In my heart I know that even though Katelyn never ‘physically’ spent a day with us, she brought us closer together than we could have become on our own.   In my mind, she was brought to us for a reason, and now I must rest in the peace that she is making all kinds of memories in Heaven that she can share with us when Scott and I meet her there one day.


I can’t stress enough that though she was stillborn, she was Still Born.





A Father’s Pain

April 11, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

As I reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus years ago, I wonder how God must have felt when He offered His Son to die as payment for our sins.  Indescribable is the only answer I can come up with.  First because we do not have the capacity to even imagine how God works, and second because we have not experienced what He has.  We lost our daughter Katelyn, and that was the most painful thing that Scott and I have ever experienced.  I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if she suffered first.  We can rest in the comfort, though, that she never felt pain.  She opened her eyes for the first time and saw Jesus. 

I have heard many people ask “How could such a Holy God stay silent as His Son was brutally tortured, shamed, beaten, and killed?” Because He knew it was the only way the relationship would be restored between Him and all of humanity.  Sin separated us from God, but through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are offered the gift of eternal life.

John 3:16 tells it all. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

If it was not for Jesus offering His life as atonement for our sins, we would not ever be able to be restored to our Father in Heaven.  “And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil 2:8  

Every time I think of how brutally Jesus was tortured and killed, though He was (and is) pure amd innocent in spirit, tears well up in my eyes.  These tears are of shame for my sin that He bore on the cross, and tears of joy that I have been forgiven.  I would be nothing without Him.

This unconditional love of our Father is such an amazing blessing.  More and more each day I want to be more like Jesus.  I trust that He has Katelyn safe in His arms, and I no longer need to need to know why Katelyn went straight to Heaven to be cradled by Jesus, rather than growing up with Scott and me.  I rest in the peace that He is in control of our lives, and we need to trust in Him.

I recently found a verse that I now hold close to my heart as we remember Jesus’ resurrection on Easter.

“…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

If it was not for Jesus’ sacrifice, we would never see our precious Katelyn  again.  Through Him, we know that we will.  Crying out to Jesus for his comfort, thanking Him for each and every breath we take, and letting others know how much He has changed our lives and continues to work in us is our one desire.  Call to Him and He will give you rest.  

Praise be to our God.  Thank you Jesus for the cross.