There Are No ‘Maybes’
May 24, 2010 by Audreys · 13 Comments
Each of us who has experienced the loss of a child found out in a different way. Some of us knew ahead of time that our baby would not survive life outside the womb, others were told the baby’s heart just stopped and he/she would be born without life; still others gave birth to a living baby whose heart stopped during birth, or minutes or even hours after birth. Whenever the news came, though, our own hearts stopped beating for a moment. As mothers, many of us were quick to blame ourselves. Recounting those long, restless days right after we lost Katelyn, we desperately searched for a reason; something we did or didn’t do that caused our baby to die.
At times I struggle with thinking that if I listened hard enough, and spent more quiet time with Katelyn, maybe I would have been able to tell something was wrong. Maybe there was a sign, something that I missed. Maybe, just maybe, her death could have been prevented if I had done something differently. That begs the question, what could have been done differently?
By far, the worst ‘maybe’ of them all that I must confess crept into my thoughts on more than one occasion was that maybe her death was a consequence of a past sin. It is when thoughts such as this come to mind that I remember 1John1:9 “If we confess our sins, He (Jesus) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” It is that promise that I keep close to my heart.
Remember that God sent Jesus, His Only Son, to die on the cross for our sins. If we believe in Him, accept His will for us, and repent of our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us.
Coming to terms with a loss does not always mean thoughts of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ just disappear. So for any of you who struggle with the belief that your baby’s death was a judgment from God, I encourage you to pray and ask God to guide your thoughts back to Him. His grace will comfort you and give you a peace you will never be able to find anywhere else.
Merry Christmas from Baby Angel Grace
December 23, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
God has been so faithful to us this year and we pray that He has been faithful to you as well. He is the rock to steady us, the peace to calm our fears, the loving arms ready to comfort us, the compassionate heart who sent His Son Jesus to die so that we may live.
Imagine our little babies celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus! How awesome! Listening in awe as the choirs of angels sing out their praises to the King of Kings! It brings tears of joy to my eyes just knowing that Katelyn is there to experience the joy of Jesus right there with Him!
Though we miss Katelyn Grace each and every day, we are comforted in knowing that Jesus is taking care of her and blessing her in every way.
God Bless You as you celebrate the birth of His Son Jesus!
You are loved!
Scott and Audrey
The Christmas Story
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb. Luke 2:4-21 (ESV)
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
September 28, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
This song captures a lot of what we dreamed about with Katelyn Grace. After listening to the words for the first time, I could feel the pain through each verse being sung. I am not sure exactly what it was, but something in the words prompted me to search online for anything related to Stephen Curtis Chapman and a little girl. I had no idea my search would result in an article about how he lost a little girl too. My heart broke as I read the news article. Maria Sue Chapman went to Heaven just after she turned 5 due to an accident. The circumstances are not the same by any means, but the pain is just as real for both of us and our families.
There is one verse in particular that captures what we imagine it will be like when we meet Jesus and Katelyn in Heaven someday.
“Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You and we both run into Your arms”
This song and the words were definitely inspired by God. What a blessing it is to know that He works through even the most tragic of circumstances. I can only pray for the Chapman family and hope that Stephen is granted some peace just by knowing he is encouraging others who have suffered the loss of a child by sharing his pain through the words to a simple song.
I pray that the words to this song offer some peace to you as we all wait for the day when we will meet up with our blessed little children.
Father’s Day
June 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for fathers who have lost a child to celebrate Father’s Day. They are all Fathers who wanted to be Dads, but were not given the chance with the child that they lost. They wanted to wake up to a laugh, a hug or even just a smile from that child today. They can have that chance one day, but not here on earth.
The loss of a child before they took their first breath outside of the womb is devastating for both moms and dads. I know this because both my husband and I still grieve the loss of Katelyn Grace. We will never stop missing her. The loss may be different for fathers, but it is no less painful. From talking with other moms who have lost children, there seem to be two very different ways that their husbands have grieved. Some feel that since they were never given the chance to be a dad, they are not fathers and often discount their loss. Others, like my husband, embrace the knowledge that they are fathers. They are fathers who will never get the chance to watch their child grow up, but they rest in the knowledge that their Father in Heaven is taking care of their little one.
As the psalmist writes:
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13
The fathers who are without children here on earth should rejoice in the promise that by calling on Jesus to be their Lord and Savior and living their lives for Him they WILL see their babies again. When they do, they will receive that hug. Only Jesus can offer this peace and this promise. They will be with Jesus and their child forever and ever!
My prayer for this Father’s Day is that all fathers who have lost a child will (if they have not already) turn towards Jesus and rest in His promises. His compassion is unending and is offered freely if only they will accept Him.
I also pray that these fathers will celebrate Father’s Day. Even though their children are in Heaven, they are still Fathers to them and always will be.
Whether your baby was miscarried, stillborn, or took his/her last breath shortly after birth, by God’s grace they are all resting in His arms.
A Father’s Pain
April 11, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As I reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus years ago, I wonder how God must have felt when He offered His Son to die as payment for our sins. Indescribable is the only answer I can come up with. First because we do not have the capacity to even imagine how God works, and second because we have not experienced what He has. We lost our daughter Katelyn, and that was the most painful thing that Scott and I have ever experienced. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if she suffered first. We can rest in the comfort, though, that she never felt pain. She opened her eyes for the first time and saw Jesus.
I have heard many people ask “How could such a Holy God stay silent as His Son was brutally tortured, shamed, beaten, and killed?” Because He knew it was the only way the relationship would be restored between Him and all of humanity. Sin separated us from God, but through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are offered the gift of eternal life.
John 3:16 tells it all. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
If it was not for Jesus offering His life as atonement for our sins, we would not ever be able to be restored to our Father in Heaven. “And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil 2:8
Every time I think of how brutally Jesus was tortured and killed, though He was (and is) pure amd innocent in spirit, tears well up in my eyes. These tears are of shame for my sin that He bore on the cross, and tears of joy that I have been forgiven. I would be nothing without Him.
This unconditional love of our Father is such an amazing blessing. More and more each day I want to be more like Jesus. I trust that He has Katelyn safe in His arms, and I no longer need to need to know why Katelyn went straight to Heaven to be cradled by Jesus, rather than growing up with Scott and me. I rest in the peace that He is in control of our lives, and we need to trust in Him.
I recently found a verse that I now hold close to my heart as we remember Jesus’ resurrection on Easter.
“…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2
If it was not for Jesus’ sacrifice, we would never see our precious Katelyn again. Through Him, we know that we will. Crying out to Jesus for his comfort, thanking Him for each and every breath we take, and letting others know how much He has changed our lives and continues to work in us is our one desire. Call to Him and He will give you rest.
Praise be to our God. Thank you Jesus for the cross.
A Loss is a Loss
March 16, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I finally made it to the point where I was beginning to heal enough so that I could talk about Katelyn without crying and bring her up in ordinary conversation with a smile on my face. I would try to imagine how much fun she was having with all of the other babies that were born in Heaven, and try to imagine how Jesus was holding each of them at once. I was healing. But yesterday morning, for the first time in a long time, a wave of grief hit me so unexpectedly that I was unable to cope with it on my own.
Yesterday marked 7 months since Katelyn went to Heaven to meet Jesus. To be completely honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to the dates until it hit me right in the middle of a church service yesterday morning. It was a family-centered service where the children who normally went off to classes stayed with their parents for the service. Surrounded by children, and watching some of them run up to the stage to volunteer to sing in a special ‘volunteer choir’ and listening as they sang their hearts out brought tears to my eyes.
Toward the end of the service, there were a few guests who spoke about adoption and how God placed a desire on their hearts to adopt one or more special needs children. The one couple spoke of a very early miscarriage (after just a few weeks) and how devastating that was for them. I then thought to myself, how can a loss that early on be nearly as devastating as losing a child who is within days of being born. I admit I was ashamed at my thoughts, because a loss is a loss, but I have trouble relating their situation to ours since we were within days of holding our newborn baby girl and then her little heart stopped for no medical reason at all.
I just sat for the remainder of the service weeping. I was emotionally spent and feeling very guilty about my thoughts about the other couples’ loss. I took one look at Katelyn’s picture that was in my Bible and tears started to stream down my face. I honestly could not have stopped them on my own. Sometimes people may say I am too sensitive and emotional, but I would rather be able to show my emotions than keep them to myself.
So what helped? Praying for God to forgive me for my thoughts and asking one of the pastors at Harvest to pray for Scott and me. I felt as if we just lost Katelyn yesterday; the sadness was that overpowering. After he prayed with us, I felt completely covered with such a peace that I can’t even describe it.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because even though Scott and I launched this website to help other parents of stillborn babies, we still struggle ourselves. After all, we are only human. Our strength comes from the Lord. The only way we will get through this is through Him. He loves us so much, and holding on to His promises keeps us going every day.
So, for those parents who have suffered early miscarriages, late miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant death, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He was there with open arms when our babies took their last breaths. And I learned a valuable lesson yesterday; no matter when our babies died, we all suffered, and one loss is not greater than another. Know that my prayers are with you, even though we have never met.
We Grieve for Ourselves
February 24, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I looked outside my window today and tears came to my eyes. The sun was bright as it reflected off the mounds of snow in the yard. Though it is not here yet, Spring is coming soon. My first thought was ‘here comes another season without Katelyn’. She would have been 6 months old now; old enough for first words, long stroller walks along the beach, and high-pitched giggles as I would lean down so her feet could touch the lake water. I longed for that more than anything when I saw other parents with their babies at the beach last Spring and Summer. What we have instead is a tree by the beach dedicated to Katelyn Grace.
In my heart I know Katelyn is in Heaven with Jesus, but my mother’s heart longs to see her. I know my husband and I will be reunited with her one day, and that gives us more peace than anything else in this world. Paul states it perfectly in his letter to the church in Thessalonica. In 2 Thessalonians 4:13-14 he wrote “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep..”
We have that hope, therefore although we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. We don’t grieve for Katelyn because she is already in the place where we want to be when our lives come to an end on this earth; we grieve for ourselves because we miss her. We do know we will see her again and that hope alone is sufficient.
It’s times like these when I wonder about the mothers and fathers who lost their babies and yet have no hope. I can’t even imagine what they must be thinking or feeling. Without hope, what do they have to comfort them? Without knowing that Jesus will reunite them one day if they follow in His ways and believe in Him, what else is there?
So to all of you who are reading this and do not have that hope, and are suffering through your loss on your own, I want you to know that it is not too late. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Our hope is that you will come to Jesus for the peace and comfort that only He can offer.
We don’t have all the answers, but we have the truth, and the hope that comes with it. It would be an honor to share what Jesus has done in our lives with anyone who does not have that hope yet. We pray that you will find it in Jesus. And if you cannot seem to find Him on your own, let us know and we will lead you to Him.
Jesus is smiling as He holds our babies right now. Always remember, they were stillborn, but they were STILL BORN.
Starting 2009 with God’s grace
December 31, 2008 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Tonight we will be going to sleep to wake up to the New Year. It is with both tears of joy and tears of sadness that I look back upon 2008. There were so many victories, yet so many trials; so much laughter, yet so many tears. But you know what? I made it through everything thanks to Jesus. I was never alone. He steadied me when I was so grief-stricken that I couldn’t stand on my own; he comforted me during those first minutes, hours, days and months without Katelyn. I can honestly say without a doubt that I could not have made it without Him.
All within a year and a half, I changed jobs, bought a new car, moved residences, got married, went on a honeymoon, bought a new house, moved again, and just when things started to calm down, I gave birth to my daughter already knowing that her heart stopped beating and she would be stillborn. Things slowed down quite a bit after that.
If I have learned anything through this, it is that things that once seemed important really aren’t that important anymore. Situations, tragic or otherwise, make us stop and re-evaluate our priorities. I realized that there were times when I put other people and things before God even if each time was unintentional. I am now more in tune with making sure God is number one in my life always, because when you think about it, without Him there is no hope, there is no salvation, there is no peace. So do I have all my priorities in order? Absolutely not, but I am working on it. And through the grace of God, I will.
What will the New Year bring? Only God knows for sure. But there is one thing I am certain of, and that is that there will be more joy in my life than in 2008. Not because of circumstances alone, but because God has shown me that through Him I will have peace, joy and love that is just overflowing.
My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed. Psalm 71:23
By God’s Grace…we are able to celebrate Christmas without Katelyn
December 22, 2008 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Christmas is a time to be joyful, to spend time with your family, to tuck your children in at night while you read the story of Jesus’ birth to them and shadows from the Christmas lights dance along the walls. It is not a time for sorrow, it is a time to celebrate the gift of God’s son born that night so many years ago. So, how are we coping, when our plans for spending our first Christmas with Katelyn have been changed? It’s not easy, we will tell you that. But, we pray each day for Jesus to give us enough grace to get through each minute of each day without her.
Some of the things we are struggling with the most during this Christmas season are:
1. Hearing a small infant cry
2. Passing by countless children of all ages as they run around in outdoor play areas
3. Listening to the giggles of small children as they make angels in the snow
4. Thinking back to how we imagined our first Christmas would be with Katelyn
5. Remembering that Christmas Day marks 19 weeks since we lost our little girl.
Some of the things we are doing to avoid these struggles are:
1. Picturing Katelyn making snow angels in Heaven
2. Knowing that Katelyn is spending Christmas with Jesus and the angels
3. Remembering that although we lost Katelyn, she went straight into the arms of Jesus
We hold onto the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”. There is a season for grief, and there is a season for joy. We are choosing to let Jesus fill our hearts with joy this Christmas. Sure we still grieve, but it is for us, not for Katelyn. She was stillborn, but she was Still Born. She is in Heaven with Jesus. What more could a little girl ask for?
By God’s Grace…we are able to give it all to God
December 15, 2008 by Audreys · 4 Comments
We have to be completely honest with you; there are moments when our faith wavers in and out. During those moments, wallowing in our grief, we have come to the realization that our anger, our hurt, our tears, our upside down emotions are all the result of our focus being on what we wanted, not necessarily what God had planned for Katelyn.
We wanted to be a family.
We wanted our little girl no matter if she was healthy or not.
We wanted to protect her from all the bad things in life.
We wanted to be a Mom and Dad to Katelyn.
We wanted to raise our little girl to love Jesus.
We wanted to watch her make angels in the snow.
We wanted to swing her around in our arms as she giggled and her long, black curls bounced around.
Most of all, We wanted to tell her how much we love her.
It is a daily struggle and it is so easy to fall into a state of anger, of denial, of hurt, of loss, of emptiness all within a period of a few minutes, or even seconds. We know, because just out of nowhere something will trigger a thought and it will become an emotional battle to avoid breaking down. It is natural to grieve, but we have to make sure that grief does not turn into hopelessness. It is also natural to experience a plethora of emotions after the loss of a sweet, innocent child. If there is one piece of advice we can give you, it is this – give it all to God. Take your grief, your hurt, your pain, your anger, your hopelessness, your tears and give it all to God. Lift your hands and let Him ease your pain. We are not saying that the pain will go away completely, because it won’t. You will never forget your precious baby and all the dreams you had for him or her. Just know that when you give it to God, He will share your pain and comfort you. Even Jesus wept after His friend Lazarus died. (John 11:35). So, just as Jesus wept for Lazarus, so we weep for our losses. Just as Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead to live with Him in eternity, so He has brought our babies out of darkness into the light that only He can shine.
God has shown us that we need to trust Him with our whole hearts, not just part of them. We now understand that the first words out of our mouths each day need to be “Lord, thank you for staying with us. Thank you for comforting us in our grief. Thank you for taking care of our little baby Grace. We just ask you Father for enough grace to get us through today and enough strength to face any adversity that may come our way.”
We have to admit that it never crossed our minds to blame God for what happened to Katelyn. God did not cause her to take her last breath before she was born, He was just there waiting to hold and comfort her when she first opened her eyes in Heaven. His heart goes out to all of His children. He did not take our babies away from us. We just hope that everyone else who has lost a baby can come to understand this. Some of you may know the exact reason why your baby was born without life. Others, like us, will never know until we meet up with Jesus in Heaven. We receive the same answer over and over again from every doctor we have seen; there is no medical reason for Katelyn’s death. With this, we have a choice to make – keep chasing down the “Why?”, knowing we will never receive an answer, or accept the fact that there is no “Why?” that can be explained here on earth. We have chosen to accept that she was cradled in Heaven and wait on the Lord until that day when we meet up with Jesus and Katelyn as she stands nearby waiting for us. What a blessed day that will be for us.
