Video Posts
July 27, 2010 by Audreys · 2 Comments
Earlier this morning I decided to re-read the comments on YouTube for Katelyn’s video. Wow. All I can say is thank you for your thoughts, your prayers, and most importantly, for allowing Katelyn to touch your lives. It is comforting to know that sharing our faith has impacted your hearts. We rest in the knowledge that we will meet her in Heaven one day. Here are some of the posts you wrote…
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Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!
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A beautiful little girl, Katelyn Grace. What a precious couple; I wanted to put my arms around you both, so I know that Jesus did just that. He’d have had to, by the grace with which you’ve shown through this time of sadness. You’ve taken encouragement by the fact that not only will you see Jesus face to face, Katelyn Grace will be there also. What a witness and testimony of your faith and trust in Jesus!! Bless you both and all that is in your care!!!
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If you can believe, so can I. God bless.
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This was just so beautiful. You put this together really nicely. We lost our baby girl Ava Madison Caldwell @ 37 1/2 weeks on April 9th 2009. It’s a tough thing to go through but knowing that your baby girl will open her eyes to the most beautiful place and to the Lord’s open arms is the most comforting thing. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this piece you put up.. It’s comforting. Thank you and God bless.
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I truly feel for you, it has been two years and 3 months since my wife and I lost our perfect son I would like to say it gets easier and in some ways it may have but, not a day goes by I don’t think of him. he was 38 weeks, only 2 to go, went to a routine weekly check up and no heart beat, he was moving 2 hrs before that appointment. after delivering and an autopsy we were told everything was perfect his heart just stopped.
we have since had two more boys. my heart still hurts… i miss him…
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Your daughter was beautiful. You are right with everything you said. God wanted her in Heaven for a reason! May your hearts heal and I know for sure you will all meet again!
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What an amazing tribute to your beautiful daughter! I cried through the whole video. I read somewhere saying that, “We were so excited to tell you all about Jesus, but since we weren’t able to, Jesus can tell you all about us” RIP beautiful baby girl & happy birthday!!
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Wow… very powerful i lost my baby to a miscarriage. and when you said that she didnt open her eyes on earth she opened her eyes in heaven…and saw Jesus… i started balling. i know my baby is resting and playin in heaven. thank you for that bit of comfort. BE BLESSED!
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I am so thankful to have found your video. Our family is undergoing a very tough situation right now. The words of love and encouragement and faith touched me where I needed it most. I’ve cried out to my Heavenly Father for the first time in a very long time and I feel his perfect love surrounding me. Thank you guys for sharing so openly your innermost feelings and private moments with your beautiful baby.
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I can’t say anything to help the pain and suffering you and many around you are going through, but I pray that things get better for you, your family, and the rest of the world. Have a great life and let it be one to remember.
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Beautiful video… Beautiful Katelyn.
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she is a beautiful little girl it’s such a shame she couldn’t meet mommy and daddy
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god bless u princess
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Katelyn Grace. Wow, she is so beautiful. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I loss my little girl Esther Grace 27/06/07. They share a beautiful name and a beautiful home in Jesus arms.
Such a beautiful little angel xxx
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What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!
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What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!
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Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!
She was soo beautiful, an angel in heaven…too beautiful for this earth.
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this is a beautiful tribute
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I am hoping to train as a midwife this year, this video let me view still birth in a different light, a better light. what a beautiful baby girl. i know ye will meet your precious daughter in the kingdom of god. thank you for sharing this video .
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This is a beautiful tribute to your beautiful daughter Katelyn.. And your faith is inspiring. I lost a baby girl at 18 weeks gestation and my faith has been stronger than ever since then. Thank you for allowing others to see this beautiful tribute to your precious angel and for sharing your faith
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so sorry for you loss! Katelyn is a beauty!
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What a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. You will see her again someday.
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This video is very breathtaking. I have never felt your pain before but you will meet her again someday! She’s waiting there in her beauty. Very pretty. God bless your family.
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your daughter was beautiful i lost my son when i was 39 weeks they must be playing in heaven with the angels
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Today is my baby’s birthday March 5th 2002, i was 39 weeks and my baby was stillborn, Gavin, they are with Jesus and we have something to look forward to after this life. God Bless you and your family
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Oh my God that is so sad! I am deeply sorry for your loss! This video has really opened my eyes to the cruel world out there!
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This is beautiful. You have amazing strength! And a beautiful daughter. Thank you
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As an angel wrote down the day she was born, she quietly whispered, too beautiful for earth.
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You have such a beautiful daughter. This video brought tears to my eyes.
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God bless you, your child was born on my birthday. My daughter was born still birth at 38 weeks i am gutted… why?? x x x
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why are these precious little babies not able to survive birth, you must be so brave and you have all my respect to have dealt with the death of your beautiful angel.
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Sorry to hear that. Losing a baby must hurt sorry once again
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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she was so beautiful.
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an angel wrote her name in the book of life and whispered too beautiful for earth.
it helps when I’m thinking of him…
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Good luck in life and in the future..
May god bless you with more children like he has with us…
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Wow…..I was crying for 8 minutes and 10 seconds Katelyn’s video was playing…I’m so happy you still found love and faith to give to the Lord even after something so tragic like that happened to in your life… I would say sorry but I know you know she’s in a better place, but I will say I’m not proud that you had to feel the pain first hand of losing a precious child…I have two of my own and I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain of losing any of them…Great respect to you and your family!
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God bless and I saw your web site congrats too you and your family for having a new son. I do believe Jesus and Gracie came to you and will always be with you ! bless you oxoxoxo
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This is a beautiful tribute to your precious little angel xxx. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your little angel is playing up in heaven with all the other lost little angels, including mine xxx
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I am so sorry for your loss. There are some that have earned their passage beyond this earth. How lucky she is never to see war or genocide….how lucky it is to be born angelic. There a great things that await the two of you…stay in love….peace.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. everything happens for a reason & your baby is waiting in heaven watching over you& waiting!! good things come to those who wait…
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This is a beautiful video! I lost my 1st at 4months old and 8 months later I lost my 2nd. My 2nd girl was also stillborn. May God continue to strengthen and heal your soul. God Bless!
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Love your video, broke my heart all over again. I lost my precious son at 36 weeks….only parents who have been through this can truly understand each other. God bless you and thanks for your video.
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I am sincerely sorry for your loss, however i do not understand how you can hold a lifeless baby. your video is so beautiful, and made me cry,….
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It’s different when the lifeless child you hold is your own. You carried that child& felt it grow &kick inside of you. all the emotions you feel when a baby is born healthy ..you are in shock..but when your child is born deceased, emotions are added. You just can’t believe the baby you’ve been waiting to meet is gone. They have to say goodbye &grieve…
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Katelyn is beautiful!! God Bless you!!!
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Beautiful tribute video, we may not understand now but someday we will. She was beautiful. We lost our first grand daughter this way, she would have been seven on August 28th. I now have three other grand children but the first always has their own place in the heart. God bless you!
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Beautiful. I lost my baby boy, Preston Cash May 16th 09, I was 34 weeks along. I feel your pain, I really do. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
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Wow she is beautiful I cried my eyes out I now thank God even more that my son was born alive I couldn’t imagine the pain of letting go my blessing toward both of you and baby K!!!
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What a beautiful baby girl.
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She’s so gorgeous xx
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Katelyn is waiting in heaven for you both xx
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Katelyn Grace is gorgeous
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wow that’s so sad! must of been so hard to let a perfect little girl go. made me cry.
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so sorry for your loss… I have a stillborn babygirl too, like yours, no reason was found…our only baby…I feel tears will fall forever..
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beautiful angel was born on my Son’s birthday, but he passed away 15 months ago, he was killed in a hunting accident. age 18….
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What a beautiful baby girl. I know Heaven is a better place with such a beautiful angel there. I only hope my sweet angel Ethan is with her and smiling with her.
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You are blessed to have held her. I only wish I had been awarded that chance. But the most important thing for me to remember is this: He is an angel and no one can hold an angel to earth. They must be in heaven for it is their home. And each day that passes, I smile because I know when I meet him again, my angel will be in my arms always.
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And I am very happy to know that he has a beautiful little girl to be with him in heaven. Blessings upon you and your husband. *hugs*
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What a perfect and gorgeous Baby Girl, my prayers are with you.
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Absolutely beautiful video i love you guys.
A Loss Without a Loss
March 29, 2010 by Audreys · 6 Comments
When we first launched the Cradled in Heaven website in late 2008 after losing Katelyn Grace, our number one focus was on stillborn children. It was a loss we had never experienced before that August, and something we have prayed unceasingly to never have to experience again. We had no idea that God had a much larger purpose for Baby Angel Grace.
The need to deliver Katelyn Grace without life just 2 weeks before we had planned to bring her home safe and healthy was gut wrenching. It was hard to imagine any pain that could even compare to leaving her alone at the hospital until someone from the funeral home came to pick her up.
We were beside ourselves, to say the least. Not knowing anyone else who had to deliver a baby who had already passed made it even harder. I remember the following weeks and hearing stories about parents losing their babies shortly after the babies were conceived, and I just could not relate. In my mind they were in another “group” which made their loss seem less significant to me. God quickly started to change my heart though, and my first instinct to separate myself from people with other types of infant losses faded away. Over the next few months, we extended the posts to include stories and information about miscarriages. Early infant death came next, then most recently toddler losses.
There is another type of loss that never crossed my mind until it happened to me. First, I should give you a little background. God blessed us with a little boy named Blake, born in August of 2009. I remember struggling with my faith on and off during the entire time until I held him in my arms for the first time. I could not imagine, nor could I have emotionally survived another loss. Each and every day I look into his eyes and thank God for this precious gift he has given us. I still do, even with recent news that made me feel like I did when we were first told that Katelyn had died.
There were no complications with Blake’s birth, and yet following his birth, I have had 3 surgeries and was told last Monday that we cannot have any more children as a result of medical ‘mistakes’ made in the procedures. There will be no more losses, because as the medical community has told us, there will be no more chances for children.
As I write this post, I have to admit I have tears in my eyes; mostly because a choice to have more children has been taken away from my husband and me, but also because I never included this type of a ‘loss’ on the website. This is a loss without a loss. It is a loss of hope for children, a loss of a choice, a loss of what many people long for and never experience. Children change us and, as I have quickly noticed with Blake, soften our hearts.
I feel I need to apologize to all of the mothers and fathers who have received the same news my husband and I have. By not even mentioned this type of a ‘loss without a loss’ I have inadvertently excluded it from the losses we write about. For that, I am truly sorry.
It has been a week now since we received the news, and I am still struggling with it. At the same time though God keeps reminding me of the beautiful little boy I have at home. He has also brought to mind (as have several people) the story of Abraham and Sara. When Abraham thought all was lost, God promised him that he would have a son.
“But Abram said, “O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:2-5 (ESV)
What a promise! The only problem was that Abraham’s wife Sara did not believe God’s promise and decided to take matters into her own hands.
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.” Genesis 16:1-4 (ESV)
Suffice it to say, God kept his promise. As we learn in Genesis 21:1
“The Lord visited Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did to Sarah as he had promised. And Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age at the time of which God had spoken to him.”
Even though I have not completely come to terms with this recent news, I now understand a little more about why it happened. Even though there is no ‘tangible’ loss when someone is told they cannot conceive, there really is ‘a loss without a loss’ to mourn. The good news? God is bigger and more powerful and more faithful and more everything and nothing at all is impossible with him. All we have to do is believe and trust in Him, and He will be with us every step of the way.
I am putting my faith and trust in the only true God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and believing in a miracle.
Baby Angel Grace/Cradled in Heaven
January 25, 2010 by Audreys · 1 Comment
In an effort to provide a forum setting for parents who have lost babies to talk/ask questions/provide insight to other parents/etc., we decided it would be a good idea to create a page for the Baby Angel Grace site on Facebook.
You are probably wondering why we use both Baby Angel Grace and Cradled in Heaven. Even if you are not, I feel the need to explain.
I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my husband Scott while standing in our kitchen a few weeks after Katelyn died. After searching online and in the library for any information on stillbirth, we came up empty. The only library books available were on Miscarriage and Abortion, and the only online resources didn’t give any helpful information for grieving parents. Sure there is some ‘medical information’ out there, but if you are like us and have been told that there was no ‘medical reason’ for your baby’s death, then that information is pretty much useless to you as well.
We knew that we couldn’t be the only parents alive who suffered the loss of a child, so it was at that moment that we decided to create a website in Katelyn’s memory with the intent to share our story and with the hope that we could help other parents who also had a loss.
To make a long story short, we bought the domain name of Baby Angel Grace from one provider, but the site was limited in functionality. In the meantime, 2 wonderful men in our church volunteered to perform the initial set-up of the site with their company. The only problem was trying to get the www.babyangelgrace.com URL back. So, we created www.cradledinheaven.com. Now, we have both of them pointing to the same site.
My point in telling you all of this is that we would feel privileged if you would not only become a fan on the Facebook page, but also if you would share your story and your baby’s birth date so that we can remember them on the special day they went to meet Jesus each and every year.
I would like to leave you today with a verse that came to mind.
In John Chapter 16, verse 33, Jesus gave this promise to His disciples “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Baby Audrey
November 12, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Every time I read another mother’s account of her experience with having a stillborn baby, I find myself reliving the night we lost Katelyn Grace. I thank God every day for the true strength of mothers like Cassie who are willing to share their story in the hopes that they can offer some comfort to other parents who have also lost their babies. Since Cassie’s baby and I have the same name, her story was even more touching to me. Here is the story of her little baby girl named Audrey.
…On December 27th, 2008 the pregnancy test I took showed two pink lines. Little did I know that those two pink lines would change my life forever.
My husband Adam & I met at a young age. I was 14 & he was 16. We were married at an even younger age, I was 16 & he was 18. We’ve been through a lot in our 8 years as a couple. We’ve been through a separation due to the War in Iraq that lasted 8 very long & lonely months. We’ve been through a cross-country move back to our home state & then the birth of our first daughter in August of 2006.
In late 2008 we decided to start trying to conceive again. My husband had just gotten a very good job as a corrections officer & I was making good money at my job. Life at that time couldn’t have been better.
Getting pregnant with Audrey took a lot quicker than it did with her big sister…On December 27th, 2008 I discovered I was pregnant. The next day was our sixth wedding anniversary. I thought the timing couldn’t have been better!
My first OB appointment confirmed a beating heart & a due date of September 9th, 2009 – 9/9/2009. The first trimester of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I felt amazing! I was on cloud nine!
On February 24, 2009 I was getting out of my car when I came home from work & immediately felt something was wrong. The terror I felt was unimaginable. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage.
My husband rushed me to the ER. They took forever to get me back to a room & the experience there was truly traumatic. No one seemed to care that I was hysterical & upset thinking I was losing my baby. I had an ultrasound & the tech refused to confirm if she saw the heart beating or not. She told me she’d send my results to the radiologist & they would inform the ER Doctor if the baby was alive or not. It took them several hours before I got the results that indeed my baby was ok. I went for a check-up with my OB just hours after I left the ER & he showed me my little baby on the ultrasound, her heart just beating away.
After that night, the pregnancy was kind of up & down…
Things between March & April went really smooth. I was feeling great. On April 10th I saw my beautiful girl’s face on the ultrasound. Her gender was still a mystery to me then but I got to see her gorgeous face. That would also be the last time I’d see her heart beating. The last time I’d see my baby alive.
I remember every moment of the day I found out I lost her, from beginning to end. I don’t think that is a day that I will ever get out of my mind. The day was May 5th. My appointment was scheduled for 9:40 a.m. so I woke up extra early. I wanted to get ready, get cleaned up & made sure I drank orange juice that day because I wanted to know if we were going to welcome a little sister or little brother for our older daughter. I woke my husband up because he was coming with me that day. He was so excited to learn the gender of our second child. We spent the ride to the office laughing, giggling & discussing baby names. We were still undecided for a boy name. I was leaning towards Owen & he was thinking of either Gavin or Aiden. We knew from the moment we got pregnant that if we had another girl we’d name her Audrey Taylor.
I waited in the waiting room for a little bit. My husband played on his phone & I played on mine. It took the Doctor a few minutes to come into the room. So, to pass the time my husband & I laughed & told jokes, something we always do a lot of when we’re together. A little while later the Doctor came into the exam room to perform the ultrasound. He asked a few routine questions about how I felt & it was then that my whole life changed.
He was moving the ultrasound wand over my stomach & I mentioned we were hoping to find out the gender of the baby that day. ..I was nervous thinking I’d have a stubborn child that wouldn’t show us. The response I got from the Doctor immediately startled me. He said “uh huh” in a tone that implied there was definitely something wrong. The words that came out of his mouth after that still give me chills & make my stomach turn into a ball of knots. He looked at me & told me he did not see my baby’s heart beating or any fluid around her at all. I immediately started to breathe heavily & panicked. I looked at my husband & saw the flushed look of terror on his face. The Doctor passed me a box of tissues & I lost it. I was hysterical. The hours after that felt like such a blur. I went to the hospital I’d deliver at & had another ultrasound to confirm what he found. Afterwards I was told to go back to his office to “discuss my options.” At that time I knew there was only one option – I was going to have to deliver my dead child, my child whose gender still remained a mystery to me at that time. I knew she was dead before I even knew she was a girl.
The Doctor asked me if I wanted to go home & think about things or if I wanted to come back the next day.. I knew right then & there that there was no way I could go home, watch my older daughter & play with her, knowing my other baby was dead inside of me. My husband & I made the very painful decision to go straight to the hospital & start the induction.
It was at that point that we began making phone calls to our family & I sent out texts to my co-workers because I knew telling them on the phone was going to be too hard. I called my Mom in hysterics & the first words I said were “Mom, I have bad news. We lost the baby.” I don’t remember a lot of what was said or happened after that. I remember walking to the Labor & Delivery ward & I just couldn’t believe I was back there again but under very different circumstances this time.
I was immediately put into a room. I noticed (after we were being discharged) that I was placed at a room that was further away from the other rooms. Now I know why – they didn’t want to me to have to hear the newborn babies crying. My delivery was not going to be a happy & joyous occasion like the others that day. I was delivering my dead baby.
Several nurses came in & asked a ton of questions. The one that stood out the most was “Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?” I was so completely blown away every time that question was asked. Of course I was not ready to deliver my dead child but what other choice did they think I had? After the hustle & bustle of all of that was over, the induction started. .. I couldn’t believe I was experiencing labor again & being forced to endure a delivery with no happy ending in sight.
My Dad rushed to the hospital as soon as he got the call about what had happened. My husband was out talking with family & getting some fresh air. I know he felt like the walls were closing in on him too & he just needed some fresh air. When my Dad walked into my room & saw me lying there, he came over & held me & we cried. We barely spoke but we knew what each other was thinking & feeling. He kept telling me how sorry he was & all I could say was this was the cruelest thing in the world. To make a woman give birth to a child she can’t ever take home, there are no words to describe the torture & agony of how that feels.
Shortly after my Dad showed up, the medicine to knock me out started to kick in. I was so grateful for that. I just wanted my thoughts & the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces to stop for a while.
It was later in the evening when the labor started to progress & I was feeling a lot more pain & discomfort. The thoughts that kept running through my mind were of complete shock. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, to us. My mother-in-law & grandfather-in-law came to the hospital later in the evening. I had asked my Mom to stay at home with my older daughter. I needed to know she was with someone I trusted & one less worry on my mind. When my mother-in-law walked into the room she immediately hugged me & held me tight. She too had experienced the same loss. She had lost twin girls in August of 1986. They were stillborn due to a cord accident. She knew the pain I was feeling and knew just how to comfort me.
I also had another special person with me that night, my night nurse, Ally. She was a truly remarkable person. She told me she had also been through the same experience. When the shift changed & she came into my room to introduce herself, she hugged me & told me how sorry she was. I was never greeted in that way by a nurse before & it still blows me away when I think about how she was that night. She was a true comfort to me that night. I can’t express just how deeply she touched me.
Things started to pick up in the late evening hours. I was having terrible contractions & a lot of back labor. I got my epidural around 10:20 p.m. & 20 minutes later my angel was born. At 10:40 p.m. my world was shattered, broken & changed forever. I discovered after the birth that my husband & I had lost a little girl. We had lost our second daughter. I made the decision that night not to see her or hold her. My reasons why at the time were so clouded by the complete shock that this was actually happening. I felt like if I didn’t see her or hold her than this wasn’t real, that she wasn’t really gone & this was all a nightmare I’d wake up from.
Ally came in later to help me clean up. My legs were shaky & wobbly from the epidural & I was more exhausted than I’d ever been in my whole life. When she was helping me clean up she told me “You are so brave & strong. I know you don’t feel that way now but you really are.” I remember thinking to myself “Yeah right.” I couldn’t even say anything to her. I didn’t have any words to say at that time. I just wanted to sink into a black hole & disappear.
The hours after the delivery, after they had taken Audrey’s body away, I lay in bed & just stared at the clock, stared at the wall. I just stared with the blankest expression on my face. My husband had fallen asleep. I knew he was just as exhausted as I was. He tried to be so strong during the whole experience. He cried a few times, the hardest when the Doctor had told us we lost our girl. He was standing at the head of my bed during the delivery, holding my hand, with his head buried towards the floor. We never once looked into each other’s eyes during the delivery but we had an iron clad grip on each other’s hands & when it was announced our baby was a girl, the grip got tighter as we sobbed together.
The next morning I was discharged. I knew it made no sense to keep me there & was eager to go home & lay under my covers all night, but it just seemed all so fast. Just barely 12 hours after I delivered my daughter I went home. Before I left the hospital I had to fill out standard papers & another set of papers no parent ever wants to fill out – papers arranging the burial of my daughter. When the nurse asked me her name I said “Audrey Taylor Davis” & then she asked me “Do you want a funeral service for Audrey?” In between tears & hysterics, my husband & I said that we did want a burial for her. The nurse informed me that she’d give the information to the funeral home & they’d be calling me to arrange the details. The nurse also gave me some packets of information about stillbirth & a special gift from the hospital. It was a white silk pillow with a tiny card & a tiny gold ring inside of a pouch. She told me she wanted us to know that the hospital recognized the birth of my baby like any other.
The drive home was quiet. I didn’t talk or do anything. I just stared out the window. I knew my sister-in-law was just hours away from delivering her second child, also a girl, & I just couldn’t understand why God took my baby away. I wouldn’t wish this pain & agony on anyone but it really makes a person question “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” When we arrived in town, we went & picked my older daughter up. I hadn’t seen her since Monday & it was now Wednesday. I was going crazy missing her. When she saw me walk up the stairs into the living room she made a flying leap into my arms & yelled “MOMMY!” I just grabbed her & hugged her tight. I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears. I needed her hugs & kiss more than anything in the world.
When I got home I just wanted to lie down & not do anything else. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any harder on Friday the funeral home called. When I answered the phone the funeral director told me how sorry she was & asked me “Do you want a burial or cremation?” I didn’t know how to respond. I sat silent on the phone for what felt like an eternity & then I asked my husband what he wanted. We agreed on a burial. We arranged the service for that Monday, the 11th of May at 11 a.m.
I spent the weekend just crying, nothing but a hysterical mess. I had massive panic attacks; my milk was coming in. When I noticed that, I cried huge, hard, head pounding tears. I know my body didn’t realize my baby had died; it only realized I’d gone into labor & delivered a child. It was doing what it was supposed to do but at the time it just felt like one more stab to my heart, one more painful reminder of what I didn’t have, of what was taken away from me.
The morning of the service was something I had been dreading. I knew she deserved a proper good bye. I just didn’t know how to do that. It wasn’t something I had ever thought would happen to me & I just didn’t know what to do or where life was going to take me after this. When we got to the cemetery & I saw everything set up, I began shaking & my hands began to sweat. My heart was pounding a million miles a minute. I didn’t know how I was going to bury my sweet baby, a baby I never even held.
The service was very beautiful. My father-in-law is a preacher so he did the service for us. From the moment he began to speak, the tears were flowing. I grabbed onto my husband, wrapped my hands around his waist & held on for dear life. At that very moment, he was my life line. He was keeping me from crumbling to the ground. After the service was over, I sat down & stared at the little white box that contained my daughter’s body. Everyone said “take as much time as you need,” & I never said a word. I wanted to tell them “if I take as much time as I need, we’ll never leave. I can’t leave her behind. I just can’t leave my little girl here without her Mommy.”
I got up after what felt like forever & walked towards the stand that held her casket. I examined every square inch of that box, placed my hand on it & ran my fingers all over the fabric & the flower arrangement on top. I wanted to feel where she was lying just once. I wanted her to know her Mommy was there & that I loved her with every beat of my broken heart. I hugged my husband & begged to stay just a little while longer. I cried out “I can’t leave her. I just can’t leave our baby girl. I don’t want to leave her here. I feel like we’re leaving her behind. I can’t. I can’t.”
I eventually made it to the car. I hugged everyone good bye before we left. Something my mother-in-law said to me while we hugged is something I firmly believe with every fiber of my being. Time does not heal all wounds. It only puts a scab on them & every once in awhile they bleed. I know she spent much of that day reliving her own horror of losing her twins. We embraced for a long time before we left. I lay in bed all day & all night after that. I cried & cried & cried. Just when I thought I was all out of tears, they started all over again.
Two days after the service I had an OB appointment. He told me he suspected this to most likely be genetic but nothing was confirmed 100%. He did also tell me he believed I should have had a miscarriage in February but my daughter was a fighter & she held on. He told me that my husband & I had his blessing to try again in a few months, if we wanted to. At that point, & to this day, I have so many mixed emotions about conceiving again. After my appointment I went to the hospital to pick up a certificate of Audrey’s foot prints & hand prints. I was never going to get a birth certificate but I could at least have something of hers to hold onto. I opened the envelope they gave me & I reached in & pulled out the paper with her prints on them. I was blown away. The wind felt like it was knocked out of me. I stared at the paper & touched the prints & the tears just flowed. My Mom had come with me for emotional support & she looked at the prints & said “Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry!” I read the certificate with her name printed on the top & it listed her parents’ names & the time she was born & then I saw the length & weight. My Angel was born weighing only four & half ounces & she was only seven & a half inches long. My mind still even now cannot fathom how tiny that is. I just remember staring at the prints & feeling this major panic & regret. I am not a person who had any regrets, until now. I wish I could go back & change the night she was born. I wish I could go back & hold her, even if it was only one time. I know she knows I love her but I wish I could have some closure with that & now I never will.
I have struggled a lot with depression & anxiety since Audrey’s death. I always knew what stillbirth was. I knew it existed but I never imagined it would ever happen to me. You always hear about bad things happening to other people & you think you’re invincible. You think those kinds of things happen to everyone else but you. Then it does happen to you & it rocks your world in every way imaginable. I am seeing a counselor & slowly starting to put the pieces of my life back together. I have days where I barely cry & days where I can’t stop the tears no matter how hard I try. I have days where I feel liking blaming God & days where I am thankful He gave me an angel to watch over me during my time here on Earth. There are no words I can write to truly convey how it feels to lose a child. Words like excruciating & gut wrenching & heart shattering come to mind but even those words don’t scratch the surface of how it feels to bury something that once had a beating heart inside of your body. I stare at her prints often & I touch them & hold them close to my chest. I tell her I love her every day. I tell her how much I miss her every day. My oldest daughter was so looking forward to her little sister’s arrival & when we told her the baby was gone & we weren’t bringing a baby home like we planned she told me “It’s okay, Mommy, it’s not your fault.” I still get tears in my eyes when I think about that. I know nothing I did or didn’t do could have prevented this but it never changes the aching I feel in my heart for her. I have done so much reflecting since this nightmare began. I remember looking at that pregnancy test & those two pink lines & I had the giddiest expression & I was in total shock. Now, when I look at those same tests (I have saved them from both of my pregnancies) a feeling of total sadness & dread comes over me. I still have the rest of my life to get through and play the “what if’” game.
I don’t know if I’ll get pregnant again. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another baby to hold & care for. I do know I will always have two amazing & beautiful daughters. I’ve told so many people that my oldest daughter is my Angel here on Earth & Audrey is my Angel in Heaven. I will spend the rest of my days looking forward to the day when I can be with her again. She’s on my mind every minute of every day & I know that will never change. The years may make the pain hurt less but it will always be there. The way I feel about her & the way I feel about her loss will never change. I have a tremendous support system around me; amazing people who love & care for me & so many people on the online community who have reached out &offered their support. This experience has shown me that there really are good people in this world. As grateful as I am for them & their generosity, I wish I never had the endure this & hear their words of sympathy & caring. I appreciate it, no doubt, but of course the wish that I had never gone through this to hear that never goes away.
If you find yourself reading this story because you have been through the same experience, I am so very sorry. There are no words I can say that will make the pain you feel go away. There will be days where you think you’re doing okay & then you’ll see or hear something that just throws your whole mind off & you can’t get your focus back because all you think about is your child, the child you loved inside of your body but never got to love the way you wanted to outside of your body. The feelings you’re feeling are all natural. I thought I was crazy & believe me, I still do sometimes. Take time to be with the ones you love & thank them for the support they’ve given to you. This experience will show you who your true friends & true family are. I know it has opened my eyes & changed my perspective on a lot of my relationships with people. Audrey may not have served the purpose I expected her to but she is serving a purpose. She’s my guiding light. She’s the light that pushes me to carry on & be a better mother to the daughter I still have with me & to be a better wife to my husband. They’re all I have. She’s shown me what is important in my life. Take the time to thank your Angel for that & know that they are always with you, in spirit & in your heart for all the days of your life.
In the most loving Memory of:
Audrey Taylor Davis
May 5th, 2009
10:40 p.m.
Mommy, Daddy & your Big Sister miss you so much Angel. You’re my every heart beat, my every breath, my every move. I will see you again one day my Angel. I love you so much!
When People Ask If You Have Children Or How Many…
November 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
How do you respond?
Many times since we were blessed with our son Blake in August of this year, we are asked if he is our only child. He is obviously not our only child since Katelyn is our firstborn, but it is tough to find the right way to answer this question. Our typical answer? No, he is our second child. If we do not go on to tell them about Katelyn Grace, undoubtedly the next question is, ‘Well where is he or she?’
Scott and I usually look at each other, not always sure how to respond depending on where we are and who is asking. Our standard answer has been that we had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.
Around 99% of the time, people just say ‘I’m sorry’. We assure them that they didn’t know, so they should not feel bad about their question. Sometimes, depending on the audience, I will even pull out a picture or two of Katelyn to show them. I rarely leave home without her pictures, mainly because I find comfort in being able to pull them out and look at them wherever I am. Honestly, I feel like something is missing when I don’t have her pictures with me.
The other day as we were walking away from a store in which we were asked about how many children we have and where the other one ‘was’, Scott came up with the best answer to use in the future. When people ask us where Katelyn is, he suggested that we answer “She is with Jesus”. I can honestly say that I was speechless for a few seconds. What a testimony of strong faith shown in such a simple, but profound statement!
Before Blake was born, and people asked us if we had any children, I would answer ‘Yes, but we lost our little girl last year. She was stillborn.” Scott has always answered ‘We had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.” Since Blake was born, we have never once said that he have one child; that would be a lie. We have and always will have 2 children. Even though Katelyn was born and is growing up in Heaven, she is still and always will be our little girl.
Going forward, I want our answer to be that we have 2 children, Blake Alexander and our little girl Katelyn who is with Jesus. That is the only truth we know.
My advice to you? Don’t discount your baby’s existence even though he or she is in Heaven. Use people’s questions as an opportunity to share your faith, even in 4 short words: He/She is with Jesus.
She was stillborn, but she was Still Born.
Joy of One, Loss of Another
August 20, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
On August 6, 2009 we celebrated the birth of our son Blake Alexander. 9 days later we remembered the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter Katelyn Grace.
I have to admit, those were a tough couple of weeks. The excitement and pure joy of looking into the eyes of my beautiful, healthy newborn son was a feeling I never imagined. I felt even more blessed because I know how a loss can impact you and how the gift of life becomes more precious than ever. Katelyn’s memory was so close to the surface that I spent a lot of time crying because a part of my heart is still (and always will be) empty. I also spent a lot of time crying for pure joy because Jesus gave Scott and I a gift like no other in our little boy.
As Blake was about to come into this world, I was given another very special gift; I suddenly had an image of Jesus holding Katelyn’s hand, standing and waiting. As soon as Blake was born, I saw Katelyn jumping up and down in excitement. Her dark curls bounced up and down as she clapped her hands. Jesus stood calmly beside her, laughing with her excitement. As Jesus took her by the hand and led her away, she turned, put her tiny hand on her lips and blew me a kiss before skipping off into the distance.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that there is a way we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed, or that they can somehow communicate with us. There is nothing further from the truth. The image in my mind was no doubt a gift from Jesus. It was His way of letting me know that Katelyn would be excited about having a younger brother and that she knows that she will always be a part of our family. She will always be our firstborn daughter and WE WILL meet her again someday.
Katelyn will never be forgotten. She was born in Heaven so to bring her Daddy and I closer to Jesus and so that we could be a resource to other parents of stillborn children. I know and believe that without a doubt.
As I held Blake for the first time I remember that I almost felt guilty for my happiness. He so closely resembled Katelyn with his little apple cheeks, his dark wavy hair, and his cute little button nose. That guilt quickly disappeared as I hugged my little boy close to my heart. He is not a replacement for Katelyn; he is just a beautiful little boy that we will treasure forever.
As each day passes I see more and more of Katelyn Grace in Blake, and I thank God every day for this precious little bundle that did not take Katelyn’s place, but rather gave us the hope that not only will we see Katelyn again but that we are blessed because we have turned her loss into a way to help other families with similar losses.
My prayer is that every family who has suffered an infant loss will place their trust in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him, we would be lost in our grief. By putting our trust in Him we have been given a new life that we will dedicate to Him.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Jesus heard our prayer and he answered it with a little boy named Blake.
Baby Rien
August 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
This is the story of baby Rien, born in Heaven on December 22, 1996. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born. Thanks to Suzan Doedens for sharing her story. Her testimony shows that God is good and He will restore us from our grief and bless us with more than we could ever imagine. Since Suzan is from Holland it is a reminder that stillborn babies are born everywhere, and that there are families all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child. It truly is a small world after all.
My husband and I married in 1993 and from that moment on we very much wanted to start our own family. But while waiting and praying time went by and I didn’t become pregnant. After 1 ½ years we went to the hospital for a fertility examination. The diagnosis was that my hormones were that disturbed that I would never get pregnant without medical treatment. My husband and I believed that those treatments were not the way God wanted us to go. So we had to accept the fact that we would not have children of our own. In the following time we focused on becoming foster parents: Taking care of children that cannot live with their own parents due to various problems. On the 21st of December 1996 something strange happened. … I noticed something was wrong with me. I was really terrified because I thought I would die. My doctor examined me and told my husband and me that I was pregnant and that it was the umbilical cord that I felt. I was completely in shock. Pregnant??? I was going by ambulance to the hospital. There an echo graph was made and I appeared to be around 20 weeks pregnant, but the baby already died inside my tummy. My husband and I stayed at the hospital that night and the following morning I was given medicine to activate the delivery. 2 hours later our son was stillborn. We called him Rien. We were overwhelmed by emotions. Within 24 hours we had to find out that I was pregnant without knowing, than we heard that the baby already died and finally, totally unprepared for this, I delivered our baby son. Through all of the emotions we felt that Jesus was on our side to comfort us and carry us in this difficult situation.
In the years that followed our family grew. In 1997 our son Nico was born. A year later another son, Tijmen, was born. In 2002 Amir, a foster-baby son came to live with us; in 2004 another foster-baby son came into our family. We feel very blessed with our boys. We know our Rien is in heaven and we long for the day we will meet him there with Jesus. We don’t understand why Rien couldn’t stay here with us, but knowing that he is with Jesus comforts us.
So that’s our story.
She Was Never Alone
August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.
Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone. I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down. I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her. I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up.
The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home. She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room. I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to hold her one last time.
As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone. She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me. Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.
I remember our pastor coming to perform her service. He was also at the hospital the morning she was born. I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven. He was right. Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me.
Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be. Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.
There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”. I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him. The words to this song are just amazing. ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth. He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.
I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment. I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss. It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart.
So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again. Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).
I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.
Jayden Allen - Jehovah has Heard
June 23, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I feel blessed when I meet other women who have lost their babies and are a wonderful testimony of how God can get us through our losses and guide us through. After you read Cindy’s story below, I hope you are as encouraged as I was (even through my tears) at the awesome power of our Lord Jesus. We continue to pray for Cindy, her husband Glenn, and their beautiful little girl Emma. This is the story of baby Jayden Allen, born in Heaven on Febriuary 10, 2009. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born.
…Our story begins in July 2008. My husband and I were so busy preparing for our daughter’s first birthday, that I didn’t notice I was late. On August 2nd, I had a dentist appointment. Something inside of me told me to take a pregnancy test … “just to be sure”. Sure enough, it was positive! I was pregnant! The pregnancy was a complete surprise, but once the shock wore off and the news settled in, we became so excited. We knew this baby must have been a gift from God because we were not trying to conceive at all! So I set up my first prenatal visit and began our journey through my second pregnancy.
In my first pregnancy, I was so nervous every time I went to the doctor’s office. For some reason, this pregnancy, I was much less nervous. I did experience some morning sickness and fatigue, but it was not as bad as my first pregnancy. Once we passed the first trimester, I breathed a sigh of relief. We were having a baby! My due date was March 22nd, just one week after my birthday (which I also shared with my mom!) The possibility of three generations being born on the same date was exciting to me. What a blessing it would be! Each night, we would pray together as a family. We prayed for the safety and health of our daughter, and we prayed for our unborn child - that God would help the baby grow and develop perfectly. We prayed that God would watch over our children and protect them… we prayed for a healthy baby.
October rolled around, and we went for our 18 week anatomy scan. The ultrasound tech recognized us from our previous pregnancy (it hadn’t been that long before!) and was excited to see us back. She took all her measurements - and said everything looked good. Then she asked if we wanted to know the sex of our child. Yes! So she moved the probe back over to the side of my tummy, and pointed to the screen and said “there is your little boy!”. My eyes filled with tears and I cried with joy. Our family was complete! We had a beautiful girl, and now we would have a beautiful boy! God has truly blessed us! We left the doctor’s appointments with smiles on our faces that were from ear to ear. We couldn’t believe it… we were going to have a little boy!
We began to think of names. We had several from our first pregnancy, but none seemed right for our little boy. Then one day as I was coming home from music class with our daughter, a name popped into my head. Jayden. I loved it! But would my husband? That night when he got home, I asked him “What do you think about Jayden?”. He liked it but wanted to know what it meant. So we went online and looked up it’s meaning. It means “Jehovah has heard”. Perfect! God had heard our desire to have a son and was answering our prayers. We felt for sure that He had dropped the name in my heart for a reason. So from that day forward, we referred to our little boy by his God given name “Jayden Allen”.
January 6th, my father went in for a routine procedure. I had just begun my third trimester, and because I was considered high risk, I had an ultrasound scheduled each month during the last trimester. So I dropped my father off, and rushed to my ultrasound appointment. I saw Jayden and heard his heart beat and everything looked good. He was growing beautifully! The doctor joked that he was going to be a much bigger baby than my first! But boys were supposed to be bigger and huskier! What I didn’t know was that this would be the last time that I would see my baby alive. My father ended up having an allergic reaction to a medication he was given during the procedure which caused him to bleed extensively internally. He nearly lost his life. I was so scared that my son would never meet his grandpa and wanted my daughter to have memories with him as well. For a week, it was touch and go. We didn’t know if he would make it. I was terribly stressed and worried. Well, after 20 days in the hospital, my father did in fact come home. We were so relieved, but the stress had taken its toll on my body. I told my husband that I felt worse than I had my entire pregnancy with our daughter. In one month, I went from having a relatively pain free, fairly healthy pregnancy to feeling pains in places I didn’t know existed.
The last week of January, my daughter contracted a virus and was throwing up for three days. It was awful to watch her so sick. A few days passed, and she was on the mend - but not before sharing the virus with me. I woke up on Friday morning, January 31st throwing up. It was terrible, being eight plus months pregnant, and throwing up! I contacted my OBGYN, and she told me that if I couldn’t hold fluid down by the evening, I would have to go to the emergency room and have IV fluids. Well, that evening, I was able to hold some fluids down so we were saved from a trip to the ER. Looking back now, I wish I would have gone - perhaps they would have seen something to tell us that Jayden was having trouble.
The following week, I had the first of my weekly non stress tests. It was Thursday, February 5th. They strapped the monitors to my belly, which typically prompted a kick or two from Jayden - but not this time. I thought it was odd, but also had heard that as they get bigger, they don’t move as much. The test was reactive, my OB was satisfied and off I went. My brother was getting married that Saturday, and I had so much to do!
The weekend was filled with activities, and out of town guests. I was busy and did not have time to check kick counts. It wasn’t until the following Monday that I realized I had not felt Jayden move in a while. I thought he was always active in the evening and after my meal. So I waited. We had dinner that night, and I laid on my left side. Nothing. I rubbed my tummy and talked to him. I became nervous, but tried to reassure myself that he didn’t have much room to move. But I had always felt him kick in the middle of the night. That night I waited up. I rubbed my tummy, drank juice. Nothing. I grew concerned, and at 2am, I woke up my husband. He told me to call the doctor right away. I was so scared, so I began pushing my belly harder to wake him up. I thought I felt him move, so I told my husband I would call first thing in the morning.
The next day, I called as soon as the office opened. They scheduled me a late morning appointment to come in and make sure all was ok. I sat nervously throughout the morning but tried to keep myself busy with my daughter. So I dropped her off at my father’s and drove to the OB. They brought me in to the room and tried to find the heartbeat with the monitor. The tech was having trouble, so she said she was going to have the doctor check. She told me not to worry, the baby was hiding. But deep down inside, I knew something wasn’t right. They brought me down to the ultrasound room and my doctor came in. There was no small talk. She said “let’s see what’s going on with this baby”. The minute she put the probe to my belly, I knew something wasn’t right. There was no red blood flow, no beating heart. Just the image of a very still baby. I asked her if everything was ok. She looked at me, and with very sad eyes she said “No, I’m so sorry. There is no heart beat”. With those words, my world shattered, my dreams were crushed. I was numb, and in shock, and scared, and sad all at once. How could this be? What happened? What did I do wrong? Will my husband blame me? How could he not? How could I tell him that our precious little boy, our gift from God, the answers to our prayers … was gone? My doctor suggested that I call Glenn, but I couldn’t. I asked her to call him and just have him come. She did. The next 45 minutes were the longest moments of my life. When he walked in the room, I could tell he had been crying. He hugged me, and held me and we cried together. I must have said “I’m so sorry” a thousand times that day. I felt like I was to blame. Jayden relied on me for life, and I failed him. How could my husband forgive me.
The doctor came back in, and began to discuss our options. Since I had a previous cesarean with my daughter, I had decided early on that we would do another section rather than chance a problem during delivery. I felt like a walking tomb. I wanted to deliver that day. She accommodated my request, and arranged for the delivery that evening. We left the office empty, left with only phone calls to make to notify our family of our loss.
One by one, we called them. We cried, they cried. How could this have happened? We drove to my father’s house to pick up our daughter. He was feeding her when we walked in. We were so broken. We told him Jayden was gone. He was shocked. Everyone was. We sat around his house that afternoon. My sister asked my permission to arrange a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer to come to the hospital. I told her that was fine, but I didn’t know at that point if I would be able to hold him or see him. I was so devastated. She understood, and said she would take care of the details for me.
We left my father’s house and headed to the hospital. We felt so empty as we walked into the Labor and Delivery floor. There was no excitement this time. Only pain. The nurses were already aware that we were coming, and brought us quickly to a room they had prepared for us at the back of labor and delivery. The following hour and a half is a blur as nurses and staff came in to prepare me for the cesarean. I asked to be heavily medicated during the procedure. I didn’t want to be awake as they took my dead baby from me. The next I remember, I was coming to, and the anesthesiologist told me they were just about finished. They wheeled me back to the L&D room where my husband was waiting. I could tell that he had been crying. He told me that he held Jayden and that he was beautiful. The doctor came in and encouraged me to see Jayden. She told me that it would be healing. After a few moments, I was ready. The doctor wheeled him into the room in the plastic bucket that all newborns call their crib for their hospital stays. He was beautiful. They were right, he was perfect. He was my son. My husband and I spent the next two hours with him. We cried, and held him. We looked at his toes, his fingers, his nose, his ears, his hair… examining every detail of our boy. The photographer came in and took a few pictures… pictures that are my cherished treasures now. I look at them daily, and think of the boy that I will get to know in heaven. We know that we will have eternity with him, and at that time, God will restore all the years that we missed with him on earth. We know that if we just trust the Lord, and hold onto His promises, we will see Jayden again. That brings us some comfort.
And so it was, on February 10th, 2009, our son Jayden Allen was born into the hands of Jesus. He was 5 lbs, 2 ozs, and was 19 inches long. We have been on our grief journey for just over four months now. I have forgiven myself for feeling like I failed our son. I know that I did everything that I knew I could to take care of myself during my pregnancy. My husband has never once blamed me. He has been so supportive, and I love him more than ever for it. I still struggle with anger sometimes. Angry that there are people who disregard their children, mistreat them, abuse or even abandon them - but they were given healthy children. Angry that my husband and I wanted our son from the moment we found out that we were pregnant. We planned for him and loved him with all our hearts, and we don’t have him here with us. But our anger is not directed at God, rather its directed at this fallen world that we live in. Here, there is sickness, pain, disappointment, hurt. But we hold onto the assurance that one day, in heaven, there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears. The bible says that he’ll wipe away the tears from our eyes. I know he will restore my heart, and heal the deep pain that has penetrated it when we lost Jayden.
Since Jayden passed, we have met some wonderful people who walk the same road that we do. People we would have never met if it hadn’t been for our son, or their loss of their sweet baby. We still miss Jayden terribly, and some days it feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest all over again. We wish we knew why he had to go so soon, but are trusting in God that His ways are beyond our comprehension. Our goal now is to make his life matter. Bring change to someone else’s life as a result of Jayden. Our prayer is that other parents who are experiencing the same pain as us, will also come to experience the same hope that we have. The hope that one day, we will be reunited with our children in heaven. There is a piece of us that will always be missing, a small void that can never be filled - because it is with our son. But God understands our pain, and cries when we cry - and can mend our broken hearts. My prayer for anyone reading this story is that you will understand one thing - that while we hurt deeper than I could have ever imagined, we are trusting the Lord to heal our wounded hearts. The bible promises us that he will bind up the broken hearted. We daily pray that God would take our burden, and give us peace. Thank you for reading our story. We pray that God would bless you deeply and bring you comfort.
Father’s Day
June 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I can only imagine how difficult it must be for fathers who have lost a child to celebrate Father’s Day. They are all Fathers who wanted to be Dads, but were not given the chance with the child that they lost. They wanted to wake up to a laugh, a hug or even just a smile from that child today. They can have that chance one day, but not here on earth.
The loss of a child before they took their first breath outside of the womb is devastating for both moms and dads. I know this because both my husband and I still grieve the loss of Katelyn Grace. We will never stop missing her. The loss may be different for fathers, but it is no less painful. From talking with other moms who have lost children, there seem to be two very different ways that their husbands have grieved. Some feel that since they were never given the chance to be a dad, they are not fathers and often discount their loss. Others, like my husband, embrace the knowledge that they are fathers. They are fathers who will never get the chance to watch their child grow up, but they rest in the knowledge that their Father in Heaven is taking care of their little one.
As the psalmist writes:
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13
The fathers who are without children here on earth should rejoice in the promise that by calling on Jesus to be their Lord and Savior and living their lives for Him they WILL see their babies again. When they do, they will receive that hug. Only Jesus can offer this peace and this promise. They will be with Jesus and their child forever and ever!
My prayer for this Father’s Day is that all fathers who have lost a child will (if they have not already) turn towards Jesus and rest in His promises. His compassion is unending and is offered freely if only they will accept Him.
I also pray that these fathers will celebrate Father’s Day. Even though their children are in Heaven, they are still Fathers to them and always will be.
Whether your baby was miscarried, stillborn, or took his/her last breath shortly after birth, by God’s grace they are all resting in His arms.
