A Stillborn Heart
October 31, 2010 by Audreys · 1 Comment
There was a time recently when I looked back to the day Katelyn Grace died and felt numb inside. It started on August 15th; 2 years to the day from when Katelyn was born still. Without knowing it, my grieving of her changed and my own heart became stillborn. I lost my joy and started to withdraw from my quiet time with the Lord. This might sound elementary, but it is more damaging than you realize. Believe me when I say that there is no worse feeling than when you lose your joy. Joy is pure, innocent delight and happiness. It is the feeling that you just want to start rejoicing for the utter beauty of what you feel. It is knowing you have a savior that loves you with an everlasting love. The opposite is misery, sorrow, and utter despair. It is really grief without hope. And it is not a feeling I ever want to experience again.
I couldn’t wait to get my joy back. I knew that all I had to do was ask and God would answer my need. But instead, I waited a while. I was afraid my memories of spending those few hours with Katelyn would grow more distant as time passes, and in doing so I lost sight of the big picture. But God brought me back to Him and once again graced me with the joy I needed to truly trust in Him. I remember reading this verse from Psalms and being comforted by the promise that He will hear me when I cry out to Him. “I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Whether we think we need it or not, we do need God’s grace every minute of every day. It is very easy to lose sight of that when everything in our lives is going exactly how we want it to. But when things go awry, we quickly realize that without God’s grace we would not be able to get through each of these seasons. Looking back to the months before Katelyn was born still, I admit that I lost sight of that. I wasn’t looking forward to Katelyn’s birth as a gift from God; rather I was looking forward to her birth since that was what I expected. I was expecting her to be born healthy, strong and beautiful. It never even crossed my mind that anything tragic would happen to her. I was expecting everything to work out as planned. We call it ‘expecting a child’ because that is exactly what mothers and fathers everywhere are doing. They are expecting a child. They are expecting the dream of becoming a parent to come true. They are not giving any thought to something happening outside of their expectations. So when a baby dies, it is common to go through a period of time where you feel completely lost. And for those of you like us who have no medical answers as to why your baby died, it is even more difficult to keep your thoughts on the path to healing. But it is even more difficult to grieve without joy, without knowing deep down that God is crying with you. So if you feel you have lost your joy, just say a simple prayer and ask God to make your heart fruitful again, to bring the joy of being with Him back into your heart. And He will…
When Katelyn was born without life, I was reminded of God’s comfort, of God’s compassion, of His presence with us everywhere we go. It also became clearer to me that there is a bigger picture. We might not be planners, but God is. Sometimes it is hard to believe that the same God who spoke the universe into being chose us to spread His word through Baby Angel Grace. Even though Katelyn had to be born in Heaven for God to fulfill His purpose for us, I am ever thankful for His grace and the pure joy in knowing she is in His arms and we will see her again.
I leave you with a verse that made me smile after I finished writing this post. I pray it does the same for you. “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” Psalm 119:50
Stillborn but Still Born - 2 Years Later
August 15, 2010 by Audreys · 2 Comments
Katelyn Grace would have turned 2 years old today. She opened her eyes to see Jesus 730 days ago but it feels like it was only yesterday when we kissed her rosy cheeks for the last time and said goodbye. I wish I could tell you living without her has become easier over time, but it hasn’t. The truth is time doesn’t heal; the empty feeling might come and go but it will never leave you. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it to. The first time I start my day not missing her is the first day I spend in Heaven with her.
Baby Angel Grace was created not only to keep Katelyn’s memory alive, but to remind us that God has a purpose in everything that happens to us or near us. Katelyn’s purpose was to draw us closer to God; her loss went far beyond that. Mothers, fathers, grandparents and the like have come to realize that through God’s grace we will see her and every other stillborn baby boy and girl again one day. No matter how far away God may seem when we lose someone we love, the truth is He is right there with us. By clinging to his promises, we can rest in the knowledge that we will one day be reunited with our Savior and our little girl.
Building 429 has a new song called “Always”. I encourage you to listen to it or even watch the video. It is a powerful song of how important it is to remember that God is with us during our trials, during our losses, during our rainy days and during our times of joy. No matter what, He will always be with us. Here is the one line that I cling to every time I think of Katelyn…
“Even when all hope is gone God knows our pain and His promise remains, He will be with you always”
God blessed us with a little boy named Blake just less than a year after we lost Katelyn. He will never replace her or take her place, but he has added more joy to our lives than we thought possible. I have to admit I treasure every single moment with him (even the whiny ones) because I know how it feels to lose a baby, and I know now more than ever that life is so precious, so fleeting, that I would be missing out if I didn’t.
So…until we meet Katelyn again, we will keep praying that God will continue His purposes through her loss - helping every person who visits Baby Angel Grace know that He will be with them always and know that if they choose to follow Him as their Savior, they will see their little baby girl or boy again one day.
Video Posts
July 27, 2010 by Audreys · 2 Comments
Earlier this morning I decided to re-read the comments on YouTube for Katelyn’s video. Wow. All I can say is thank you for your thoughts, your prayers, and most importantly, for allowing Katelyn to touch your lives. It is comforting to know that sharing our faith has impacted your hearts. We rest in the knowledge that we will meet her in Heaven one day. Here are some of the posts you wrote…
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Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!
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A beautiful little girl, Katelyn Grace. What a precious couple; I wanted to put my arms around you both, so I know that Jesus did just that. He’d have had to, by the grace with which you’ve shown through this time of sadness. You’ve taken encouragement by the fact that not only will you see Jesus face to face, Katelyn Grace will be there also. What a witness and testimony of your faith and trust in Jesus!! Bless you both and all that is in your care!!!
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If you can believe, so can I. God bless.
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This was just so beautiful. You put this together really nicely. We lost our baby girl Ava Madison Caldwell @ 37 1/2 weeks on April 9th 2009. It’s a tough thing to go through but knowing that your baby girl will open her eyes to the most beautiful place and to the Lord’s open arms is the most comforting thing. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this piece you put up.. It’s comforting. Thank you and God bless.
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I truly feel for you, it has been two years and 3 months since my wife and I lost our perfect son I would like to say it gets easier and in some ways it may have but, not a day goes by I don’t think of him. he was 38 weeks, only 2 to go, went to a routine weekly check up and no heart beat, he was moving 2 hrs before that appointment. after delivering and an autopsy we were told everything was perfect his heart just stopped.
we have since had two more boys. my heart still hurts… i miss him…
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Your daughter was beautiful. You are right with everything you said. God wanted her in Heaven for a reason! May your hearts heal and I know for sure you will all meet again!
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What an amazing tribute to your beautiful daughter! I cried through the whole video. I read somewhere saying that, “We were so excited to tell you all about Jesus, but since we weren’t able to, Jesus can tell you all about us” RIP beautiful baby girl & happy birthday!!
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Wow… very powerful i lost my baby to a miscarriage. and when you said that she didnt open her eyes on earth she opened her eyes in heaven…and saw Jesus… i started balling. i know my baby is resting and playin in heaven. thank you for that bit of comfort. BE BLESSED!
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I am so thankful to have found your video. Our family is undergoing a very tough situation right now. The words of love and encouragement and faith touched me where I needed it most. I’ve cried out to my Heavenly Father for the first time in a very long time and I feel his perfect love surrounding me. Thank you guys for sharing so openly your innermost feelings and private moments with your beautiful baby.
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I can’t say anything to help the pain and suffering you and many around you are going through, but I pray that things get better for you, your family, and the rest of the world. Have a great life and let it be one to remember.
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Beautiful video… Beautiful Katelyn.
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she is a beautiful little girl it’s such a shame she couldn’t meet mommy and daddy
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god bless u princess
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Katelyn Grace. Wow, she is so beautiful. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I loss my little girl Esther Grace 27/06/07. They share a beautiful name and a beautiful home in Jesus arms.
Such a beautiful little angel xxx
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What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!
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What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!
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Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!
She was soo beautiful, an angel in heaven…too beautiful for this earth.
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this is a beautiful tribute
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I am hoping to train as a midwife this year, this video let me view still birth in a different light, a better light. what a beautiful baby girl. i know ye will meet your precious daughter in the kingdom of god. thank you for sharing this video .
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This is a beautiful tribute to your beautiful daughter Katelyn.. And your faith is inspiring. I lost a baby girl at 18 weeks gestation and my faith has been stronger than ever since then. Thank you for allowing others to see this beautiful tribute to your precious angel and for sharing your faith
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so sorry for you loss! Katelyn is a beauty!
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What a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. You will see her again someday.
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This video is very breathtaking. I have never felt your pain before but you will meet her again someday! She’s waiting there in her beauty. Very pretty. God bless your family.
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your daughter was beautiful i lost my son when i was 39 weeks they must be playing in heaven with the angels
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Today is my baby’s birthday March 5th 2002, i was 39 weeks and my baby was stillborn, Gavin, they are with Jesus and we have something to look forward to after this life. God Bless you and your family
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Oh my God that is so sad! I am deeply sorry for your loss! This video has really opened my eyes to the cruel world out there!
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This is beautiful. You have amazing strength! And a beautiful daughter. Thank you
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As an angel wrote down the day she was born, she quietly whispered, too beautiful for earth.
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You have such a beautiful daughter. This video brought tears to my eyes.
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God bless you, your child was born on my birthday. My daughter was born still birth at 38 weeks i am gutted… why?? x x x
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why are these precious little babies not able to survive birth, you must be so brave and you have all my respect to have dealt with the death of your beautiful angel.
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Sorry to hear that. Losing a baby must hurt sorry once again
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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she was so beautiful.
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an angel wrote her name in the book of life and whispered too beautiful for earth.
it helps when I’m thinking of him…
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Good luck in life and in the future..
May god bless you with more children like he has with us…
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Wow…..I was crying for 8 minutes and 10 seconds Katelyn’s video was playing…I’m so happy you still found love and faith to give to the Lord even after something so tragic like that happened to in your life… I would say sorry but I know you know she’s in a better place, but I will say I’m not proud that you had to feel the pain first hand of losing a precious child…I have two of my own and I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain of losing any of them…Great respect to you and your family!
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God bless and I saw your web site congrats too you and your family for having a new son. I do believe Jesus and Gracie came to you and will always be with you ! bless you oxoxoxo
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This is a beautiful tribute to your precious little angel xxx. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your little angel is playing up in heaven with all the other lost little angels, including mine xxx
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I am so sorry for your loss. There are some that have earned their passage beyond this earth. How lucky she is never to see war or genocide….how lucky it is to be born angelic. There a great things that await the two of you…stay in love….peace.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. everything happens for a reason & your baby is waiting in heaven watching over you& waiting!! good things come to those who wait…
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This is a beautiful video! I lost my 1st at 4months old and 8 months later I lost my 2nd. My 2nd girl was also stillborn. May God continue to strengthen and heal your soul. God Bless!
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Love your video, broke my heart all over again. I lost my precious son at 36 weeks….only parents who have been through this can truly understand each other. God bless you and thanks for your video.
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I am sincerely sorry for your loss, however i do not understand how you can hold a lifeless baby. your video is so beautiful, and made me cry,….
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It’s different when the lifeless child you hold is your own. You carried that child& felt it grow &kick inside of you. all the emotions you feel when a baby is born healthy ..you are in shock..but when your child is born deceased, emotions are added. You just can’t believe the baby you’ve been waiting to meet is gone. They have to say goodbye &grieve…
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Katelyn is beautiful!! God Bless you!!!
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Beautiful tribute video, we may not understand now but someday we will. She was beautiful. We lost our first grand daughter this way, she would have been seven on August 28th. I now have three other grand children but the first always has their own place in the heart. God bless you!
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Beautiful. I lost my baby boy, Preston Cash May 16th 09, I was 34 weeks along. I feel your pain, I really do. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
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Wow she is beautiful I cried my eyes out I now thank God even more that my son was born alive I couldn’t imagine the pain of letting go my blessing toward both of you and baby K!!!
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What a beautiful baby girl.
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She’s so gorgeous xx
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Katelyn is waiting in heaven for you both xx
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Katelyn Grace is gorgeous
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wow that’s so sad! must of been so hard to let a perfect little girl go. made me cry.
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so sorry for your loss… I have a stillborn babygirl too, like yours, no reason was found…our only baby…I feel tears will fall forever..
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beautiful angel was born on my Son’s birthday, but he passed away 15 months ago, he was killed in a hunting accident. age 18….
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What a beautiful baby girl. I know Heaven is a better place with such a beautiful angel there. I only hope my sweet angel Ethan is with her and smiling with her.
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You are blessed to have held her. I only wish I had been awarded that chance. But the most important thing for me to remember is this: He is an angel and no one can hold an angel to earth. They must be in heaven for it is their home. And each day that passes, I smile because I know when I meet him again, my angel will be in my arms always.
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And I am very happy to know that he has a beautiful little girl to be with him in heaven. Blessings upon you and your husband. *hugs*
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What a perfect and gorgeous Baby Girl, my prayers are with you.
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Absolutely beautiful video i love you guys.
Luke - Bringer of Light and Truth
July 20, 2010 by Audreys · 3 Comments
Luke - Bringer of Light and Truth
Here is the story of baby Luke, born in Heaven on May 24, 2010. I am thankful that his mom Lindy was willing to share him with us. Her testimony reminds me of how much we need to lean on Jesus to get us through the loss of an infant. It has been almost 2 years since we lost Katelyn Grace, but the only thing that keeps us going is the knowledge that we will see our little girl again, just like through their strong faith Luke’s family will be able to see him again. I am reminded again of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.” (ESV)
“Luke Braedan Cummings was born on May 24, 2010 @ 10:22pm weighing 8 lbs. & 14 oz and was 21 1/4 in. long. I was 38 wks & 5 days and scheduled to be induced in 2 days. At my regular visit I was sent for observation. All labs came back normal & an ultrasound revealed no problems. Luke came off the monitor & it was a while before they came in to find him. That’s when everything changed. They put oxygen on me & said they found his heart rate but his baseline dropped…again they said he was fine. The doctor on call said Luke probably wouldn’t tolerate labor but we’d try. I watched the monitor but his heart rate was not coming up. When the dr. came in a couple of minutes later I told her to do a c-section. I just wanted him here & safe. I was in the operating room within 10 min. but the atmosphere was very lighthearted and they weren’t in a hurry. My husband was brought in with the camera ready but I knew the minute he was born something was wrong. I asked why he wasn’t crying and the doctor told me it would take a minute. The last thing I remember saying is “God please let my baby cry” When I came to in a room I kept telling my mom “He’s gone; my baby’s gone”. As a mother I just knew. My worst fears were confirmed when my husband came in with the NICU dr. She looked at me and said “Mrs. Cummings Luke didn’t make it”. My mother says at night she can still see my face and hear me repeating over and over “My baby, my baby”. NILMDTS came in the next day & provided us with the only memories we’ll have with Luke. We buried our little boy on 6/1/10. The doctors have no idea what happened & had no idea it was going to happen. I went into the operating room thinking I was doing what was best for him but my efforts were useless.
We have 2 beautiful children with us: Bryleigh is almost 7 & Ethan is almost 6. I’m not sure we will try again. That is something I’m torn over. Anyone who has been through this suffers from what I call “Empty Arm Syndrome”. We know God knows what is right for us & in His time it will be revealed to us. I just want Luke’s story out there so maybe it can help others. His life had meaning and purpose and it is up to me to be his voice! I tell my kids that Luke was so special that Jesus decided to bring him home but that we are just as special because Jesus doesn’t give everybody their own special ‘angel’. I tell them this because I don’t want them to grow up feeling like a victim of some random tragedy. I also tell them this to reassure myself that I’m not a victim of some random tragedy but sometimes that is what I feel like. “He knows the plans He has for me” and I have to cling to that. I am so blessed to have been given the chance to carry Luke in my womb & I rest in knowing that he knew me. He never saw me but he knew my voice; he knew his mommy. Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my angel. If there is one thing I can ask it is please pray for my husband. Sometimes I think we forget how much daddy’s hurt & how hard it is for other men to reach out to comfort a friend.
Luke means “bringer of light and truth” and God has used that little man’s 35 minutes to heal this hardened heart and bring my husband Tommy & I closer than we have ever been. Luke has already fulfilled so much more than 35 minutes worth of purpose and God uses Luke every day to draw me closer to Him. Sometimes God draws our children into His arms so every time we look to our child we see Him. What a powerful statement! I just thought you should know that Luke has brought the light and truth of God back into my life and I will forever be changed.
There Are No ‘Maybes’
May 24, 2010 by Audreys · 13 Comments
Each of us who has experienced the loss of a child found out in a different way. Some of us knew ahead of time that our baby would not survive life outside the womb, others were told the baby’s heart just stopped and he/she would be born without life; still others gave birth to a living baby whose heart stopped during birth, or minutes or even hours after birth. Whenever the news came, though, our own hearts stopped beating for a moment. As mothers, many of us were quick to blame ourselves. Recounting those long, restless days right after we lost Katelyn, we desperately searched for a reason; something we did or didn’t do that caused our baby to die.
At times I struggle with thinking that if I listened hard enough, and spent more quiet time with Katelyn, maybe I would have been able to tell something was wrong. Maybe there was a sign, something that I missed. Maybe, just maybe, her death could have been prevented if I had done something differently. That begs the question, what could have been done differently?
By far, the worst ‘maybe’ of them all that I must confess crept into my thoughts on more than one occasion was that maybe her death was a consequence of a past sin. It is when thoughts such as this come to mind that I remember 1John1:9 “If we confess our sins, He (Jesus) is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” It is that promise that I keep close to my heart.
Remember that God sent Jesus, His Only Son, to die on the cross for our sins. If we believe in Him, accept His will for us, and repent of our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us.
Coming to terms with a loss does not always mean thoughts of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ just disappear. So for any of you who struggle with the belief that your baby’s death was a judgment from God, I encourage you to pray and ask God to guide your thoughts back to Him. His grace will comfort you and give you a peace you will never be able to find anywhere else.
A Loss Without a Loss
March 29, 2010 by Audreys · 6 Comments
When we first launched the Cradled in Heaven website in late 2008 after losing Katelyn Grace, our number one focus was on stillborn children. It was a loss we had never experienced before that August, and something we have prayed unceasingly to never have to experience again. We had no idea that God had a much larger purpose for Baby Angel Grace.
The need to deliver Katelyn Grace without life just 2 weeks before we had planned to bring her home safe and healthy was gut wrenching. It was hard to imagine any pain that could even compare to leaving her alone at the hospital until someone from the funeral home came to pick her up.
We were beside ourselves, to say the least. Not knowing anyone else who had to deliver a baby who had already passed made it even harder. I remember the following weeks and hearing stories about parents losing their babies shortly after the babies were conceived, and I just could not relate. In my mind they were in another “group” which made their loss seem less significant to me. God quickly started to change my heart though, and my first instinct to separate myself from people with other types of infant losses faded away. Over the next few months, we extended the posts to include stories and information about miscarriages. Early infant death came next, then most recently toddler losses.
There is another type of loss that never crossed my mind until it happened to me. First, I should give you a little background. God blessed us with a little boy named Blake, born in August of 2009. I remember struggling with my faith on and off during the entire time until I held him in my arms for the first time. I could not imagine, nor could I have emotionally survived another loss. Each and every day I look into his eyes and thank God for this precious gift he has given us. I still do, even with recent news that made me feel like I did when we were first told that Katelyn had died.
There were no complications with Blake’s birth, and yet following his birth, I have had 3 surgeries and was told last Monday that we cannot have any more children as a result of medical ‘mistakes’ made in the procedures. There will be no more losses, because as the medical community has told us, there will be no more chances for children.
As I write this post, I have to admit I have tears in my eyes; mostly because a choice to have more children has been taken away from my husband and me, but also because I never included this type of a ‘loss’ on the website. This is a loss without a loss. It is a loss of hope for children, a loss of a choice, a loss of what many people long for and never experience. Children change us and, as I have quickly noticed with Blake, soften our hearts.
I feel I need to apologize to all of the mothers and fathers who have received the same news my husband and I have. By not even mentioned this type of a ‘loss without a loss’ I have inadvertently excluded it from the losses we write about. For that, I am truly sorry.
It has been a week now since we received the news, and I am still struggling with it. At the same time though God keeps reminding me of the beautiful little boy I have at home. He has also brought to mind (as have several people) the story of Abraham and Sara. When Abraham thought all was lost, God promised him that he would have a son.
“But Abram said, “O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:2-5 (ESV)
What a promise! The only problem was that Abraham’s wife Sara did not believe God’s promise and decided to take matters into her own hands.
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.” Genesis 16:1-4 (ESV)
Suffice it to say, God kept his promise. As we learn in Genesis 21:1
“The Lord visited Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did to Sarah as he had promised. And Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age at the time of which God had spoken to him.”
Even though I have not completely come to terms with this recent news, I now understand a little more about why it happened. Even though there is no ‘tangible’ loss when someone is told they cannot conceive, there really is ‘a loss without a loss’ to mourn. The good news? God is bigger and more powerful and more faithful and more everything and nothing at all is impossible with him. All we have to do is believe and trust in Him, and He will be with us every step of the way.
I am putting my faith and trust in the only true God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and believing in a miracle.
Baby Angel Grace/Cradled in Heaven
January 25, 2010 by Audreys · 1 Comment
In an effort to provide a forum setting for parents who have lost babies to talk/ask questions/provide insight to other parents/etc., we decided it would be a good idea to create a page for the Baby Angel Grace site on Facebook.
You are probably wondering why we use both Baby Angel Grace and Cradled in Heaven. Even if you are not, I feel the need to explain.
I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my husband Scott while standing in our kitchen a few weeks after Katelyn died. After searching online and in the library for any information on stillbirth, we came up empty. The only library books available were on Miscarriage and Abortion, and the only online resources didn’t give any helpful information for grieving parents. Sure there is some ‘medical information’ out there, but if you are like us and have been told that there was no ‘medical reason’ for your baby’s death, then that information is pretty much useless to you as well.
We knew that we couldn’t be the only parents alive who suffered the loss of a child, so it was at that moment that we decided to create a website in Katelyn’s memory with the intent to share our story and with the hope that we could help other parents who also had a loss.
To make a long story short, we bought the domain name of Baby Angel Grace from one provider, but the site was limited in functionality. In the meantime, 2 wonderful men in our church volunteered to perform the initial set-up of the site with their company. The only problem was trying to get the www.babyangelgrace.com URL back. So, we created www.cradledinheaven.com. Now, we have both of them pointing to the same site.
My point in telling you all of this is that we would feel privileged if you would not only become a fan on the Facebook page, but also if you would share your story and your baby’s birth date so that we can remember them on the special day they went to meet Jesus each and every year.
I would like to leave you today with a verse that came to mind.
In John Chapter 16, verse 33, Jesus gave this promise to His disciples “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Merry Christmas from Baby Angel Grace
December 23, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
God has been so faithful to us this year and we pray that He has been faithful to you as well. He is the rock to steady us, the peace to calm our fears, the loving arms ready to comfort us, the compassionate heart who sent His Son Jesus to die so that we may live.
Imagine our little babies celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus! How awesome! Listening in awe as the choirs of angels sing out their praises to the King of Kings! It brings tears of joy to my eyes just knowing that Katelyn is there to experience the joy of Jesus right there with Him!
Though we miss Katelyn Grace each and every day, we are comforted in knowing that Jesus is taking care of her and blessing her in every way.
God Bless You as you celebrate the birth of His Son Jesus!
You are loved!
Scott and Audrey
The Christmas Story
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb. Luke 2:4-21 (ESV)
Baby Audrey
November 12, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Every time I read another mother’s account of her experience with having a stillborn baby, I find myself reliving the night we lost Katelyn Grace. I thank God every day for the true strength of mothers like Cassie who are willing to share their story in the hopes that they can offer some comfort to other parents who have also lost their babies. Since Cassie’s baby and I have the same name, her story was even more touching to me. Here is the story of her little baby girl named Audrey.
…On December 27th, 2008 the pregnancy test I took showed two pink lines. Little did I know that those two pink lines would change my life forever.
My husband Adam & I met at a young age. I was 14 & he was 16. We were married at an even younger age, I was 16 & he was 18. We’ve been through a lot in our 8 years as a couple. We’ve been through a separation due to the War in Iraq that lasted 8 very long & lonely months. We’ve been through a cross-country move back to our home state & then the birth of our first daughter in August of 2006.
In late 2008 we decided to start trying to conceive again. My husband had just gotten a very good job as a corrections officer & I was making good money at my job. Life at that time couldn’t have been better.
Getting pregnant with Audrey took a lot quicker than it did with her big sister…On December 27th, 2008 I discovered I was pregnant. The next day was our sixth wedding anniversary. I thought the timing couldn’t have been better!
My first OB appointment confirmed a beating heart & a due date of September 9th, 2009 – 9/9/2009. The first trimester of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I felt amazing! I was on cloud nine!
On February 24, 2009 I was getting out of my car when I came home from work & immediately felt something was wrong. The terror I felt was unimaginable. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage.
My husband rushed me to the ER. They took forever to get me back to a room & the experience there was truly traumatic. No one seemed to care that I was hysterical & upset thinking I was losing my baby. I had an ultrasound & the tech refused to confirm if she saw the heart beating or not. She told me she’d send my results to the radiologist & they would inform the ER Doctor if the baby was alive or not. It took them several hours before I got the results that indeed my baby was ok. I went for a check-up with my OB just hours after I left the ER & he showed me my little baby on the ultrasound, her heart just beating away.
After that night, the pregnancy was kind of up & down…
Things between March & April went really smooth. I was feeling great. On April 10th I saw my beautiful girl’s face on the ultrasound. Her gender was still a mystery to me then but I got to see her gorgeous face. That would also be the last time I’d see her heart beating. The last time I’d see my baby alive.
I remember every moment of the day I found out I lost her, from beginning to end. I don’t think that is a day that I will ever get out of my mind. The day was May 5th. My appointment was scheduled for 9:40 a.m. so I woke up extra early. I wanted to get ready, get cleaned up & made sure I drank orange juice that day because I wanted to know if we were going to welcome a little sister or little brother for our older daughter. I woke my husband up because he was coming with me that day. He was so excited to learn the gender of our second child. We spent the ride to the office laughing, giggling & discussing baby names. We were still undecided for a boy name. I was leaning towards Owen & he was thinking of either Gavin or Aiden. We knew from the moment we got pregnant that if we had another girl we’d name her Audrey Taylor.
I waited in the waiting room for a little bit. My husband played on his phone & I played on mine. It took the Doctor a few minutes to come into the room. So, to pass the time my husband & I laughed & told jokes, something we always do a lot of when we’re together. A little while later the Doctor came into the exam room to perform the ultrasound. He asked a few routine questions about how I felt & it was then that my whole life changed.
He was moving the ultrasound wand over my stomach & I mentioned we were hoping to find out the gender of the baby that day. ..I was nervous thinking I’d have a stubborn child that wouldn’t show us. The response I got from the Doctor immediately startled me. He said “uh huh” in a tone that implied there was definitely something wrong. The words that came out of his mouth after that still give me chills & make my stomach turn into a ball of knots. He looked at me & told me he did not see my baby’s heart beating or any fluid around her at all. I immediately started to breathe heavily & panicked. I looked at my husband & saw the flushed look of terror on his face. The Doctor passed me a box of tissues & I lost it. I was hysterical. The hours after that felt like such a blur. I went to the hospital I’d deliver at & had another ultrasound to confirm what he found. Afterwards I was told to go back to his office to “discuss my options.” At that time I knew there was only one option – I was going to have to deliver my dead child, my child whose gender still remained a mystery to me at that time. I knew she was dead before I even knew she was a girl.
The Doctor asked me if I wanted to go home & think about things or if I wanted to come back the next day.. I knew right then & there that there was no way I could go home, watch my older daughter & play with her, knowing my other baby was dead inside of me. My husband & I made the very painful decision to go straight to the hospital & start the induction.
It was at that point that we began making phone calls to our family & I sent out texts to my co-workers because I knew telling them on the phone was going to be too hard. I called my Mom in hysterics & the first words I said were “Mom, I have bad news. We lost the baby.” I don’t remember a lot of what was said or happened after that. I remember walking to the Labor & Delivery ward & I just couldn’t believe I was back there again but under very different circumstances this time.
I was immediately put into a room. I noticed (after we were being discharged) that I was placed at a room that was further away from the other rooms. Now I know why – they didn’t want to me to have to hear the newborn babies crying. My delivery was not going to be a happy & joyous occasion like the others that day. I was delivering my dead baby.
Several nurses came in & asked a ton of questions. The one that stood out the most was “Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?” I was so completely blown away every time that question was asked. Of course I was not ready to deliver my dead child but what other choice did they think I had? After the hustle & bustle of all of that was over, the induction started. .. I couldn’t believe I was experiencing labor again & being forced to endure a delivery with no happy ending in sight.
My Dad rushed to the hospital as soon as he got the call about what had happened. My husband was out talking with family & getting some fresh air. I know he felt like the walls were closing in on him too & he just needed some fresh air. When my Dad walked into my room & saw me lying there, he came over & held me & we cried. We barely spoke but we knew what each other was thinking & feeling. He kept telling me how sorry he was & all I could say was this was the cruelest thing in the world. To make a woman give birth to a child she can’t ever take home, there are no words to describe the torture & agony of how that feels.
Shortly after my Dad showed up, the medicine to knock me out started to kick in. I was so grateful for that. I just wanted my thoughts & the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces to stop for a while.
It was later in the evening when the labor started to progress & I was feeling a lot more pain & discomfort. The thoughts that kept running through my mind were of complete shock. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, to us. My mother-in-law & grandfather-in-law came to the hospital later in the evening. I had asked my Mom to stay at home with my older daughter. I needed to know she was with someone I trusted & one less worry on my mind. When my mother-in-law walked into the room she immediately hugged me & held me tight. She too had experienced the same loss. She had lost twin girls in August of 1986. They were stillborn due to a cord accident. She knew the pain I was feeling and knew just how to comfort me.
I also had another special person with me that night, my night nurse, Ally. She was a truly remarkable person. She told me she had also been through the same experience. When the shift changed & she came into my room to introduce herself, she hugged me & told me how sorry she was. I was never greeted in that way by a nurse before & it still blows me away when I think about how she was that night. She was a true comfort to me that night. I can’t express just how deeply she touched me.
Things started to pick up in the late evening hours. I was having terrible contractions & a lot of back labor. I got my epidural around 10:20 p.m. & 20 minutes later my angel was born. At 10:40 p.m. my world was shattered, broken & changed forever. I discovered after the birth that my husband & I had lost a little girl. We had lost our second daughter. I made the decision that night not to see her or hold her. My reasons why at the time were so clouded by the complete shock that this was actually happening. I felt like if I didn’t see her or hold her than this wasn’t real, that she wasn’t really gone & this was all a nightmare I’d wake up from.
Ally came in later to help me clean up. My legs were shaky & wobbly from the epidural & I was more exhausted than I’d ever been in my whole life. When she was helping me clean up she told me “You are so brave & strong. I know you don’t feel that way now but you really are.” I remember thinking to myself “Yeah right.” I couldn’t even say anything to her. I didn’t have any words to say at that time. I just wanted to sink into a black hole & disappear.
The hours after the delivery, after they had taken Audrey’s body away, I lay in bed & just stared at the clock, stared at the wall. I just stared with the blankest expression on my face. My husband had fallen asleep. I knew he was just as exhausted as I was. He tried to be so strong during the whole experience. He cried a few times, the hardest when the Doctor had told us we lost our girl. He was standing at the head of my bed during the delivery, holding my hand, with his head buried towards the floor. We never once looked into each other’s eyes during the delivery but we had an iron clad grip on each other’s hands & when it was announced our baby was a girl, the grip got tighter as we sobbed together.
The next morning I was discharged. I knew it made no sense to keep me there & was eager to go home & lay under my covers all night, but it just seemed all so fast. Just barely 12 hours after I delivered my daughter I went home. Before I left the hospital I had to fill out standard papers & another set of papers no parent ever wants to fill out – papers arranging the burial of my daughter. When the nurse asked me her name I said “Audrey Taylor Davis” & then she asked me “Do you want a funeral service for Audrey?” In between tears & hysterics, my husband & I said that we did want a burial for her. The nurse informed me that she’d give the information to the funeral home & they’d be calling me to arrange the details. The nurse also gave me some packets of information about stillbirth & a special gift from the hospital. It was a white silk pillow with a tiny card & a tiny gold ring inside of a pouch. She told me she wanted us to know that the hospital recognized the birth of my baby like any other.
The drive home was quiet. I didn’t talk or do anything. I just stared out the window. I knew my sister-in-law was just hours away from delivering her second child, also a girl, & I just couldn’t understand why God took my baby away. I wouldn’t wish this pain & agony on anyone but it really makes a person question “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” When we arrived in town, we went & picked my older daughter up. I hadn’t seen her since Monday & it was now Wednesday. I was going crazy missing her. When she saw me walk up the stairs into the living room she made a flying leap into my arms & yelled “MOMMY!” I just grabbed her & hugged her tight. I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears. I needed her hugs & kiss more than anything in the world.
When I got home I just wanted to lie down & not do anything else. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any harder on Friday the funeral home called. When I answered the phone the funeral director told me how sorry she was & asked me “Do you want a burial or cremation?” I didn’t know how to respond. I sat silent on the phone for what felt like an eternity & then I asked my husband what he wanted. We agreed on a burial. We arranged the service for that Monday, the 11th of May at 11 a.m.
I spent the weekend just crying, nothing but a hysterical mess. I had massive panic attacks; my milk was coming in. When I noticed that, I cried huge, hard, head pounding tears. I know my body didn’t realize my baby had died; it only realized I’d gone into labor & delivered a child. It was doing what it was supposed to do but at the time it just felt like one more stab to my heart, one more painful reminder of what I didn’t have, of what was taken away from me.
The morning of the service was something I had been dreading. I knew she deserved a proper good bye. I just didn’t know how to do that. It wasn’t something I had ever thought would happen to me & I just didn’t know what to do or where life was going to take me after this. When we got to the cemetery & I saw everything set up, I began shaking & my hands began to sweat. My heart was pounding a million miles a minute. I didn’t know how I was going to bury my sweet baby, a baby I never even held.
The service was very beautiful. My father-in-law is a preacher so he did the service for us. From the moment he began to speak, the tears were flowing. I grabbed onto my husband, wrapped my hands around his waist & held on for dear life. At that very moment, he was my life line. He was keeping me from crumbling to the ground. After the service was over, I sat down & stared at the little white box that contained my daughter’s body. Everyone said “take as much time as you need,” & I never said a word. I wanted to tell them “if I take as much time as I need, we’ll never leave. I can’t leave her behind. I just can’t leave my little girl here without her Mommy.”
I got up after what felt like forever & walked towards the stand that held her casket. I examined every square inch of that box, placed my hand on it & ran my fingers all over the fabric & the flower arrangement on top. I wanted to feel where she was lying just once. I wanted her to know her Mommy was there & that I loved her with every beat of my broken heart. I hugged my husband & begged to stay just a little while longer. I cried out “I can’t leave her. I just can’t leave our baby girl. I don’t want to leave her here. I feel like we’re leaving her behind. I can’t. I can’t.”
I eventually made it to the car. I hugged everyone good bye before we left. Something my mother-in-law said to me while we hugged is something I firmly believe with every fiber of my being. Time does not heal all wounds. It only puts a scab on them & every once in awhile they bleed. I know she spent much of that day reliving her own horror of losing her twins. We embraced for a long time before we left. I lay in bed all day & all night after that. I cried & cried & cried. Just when I thought I was all out of tears, they started all over again.
Two days after the service I had an OB appointment. He told me he suspected this to most likely be genetic but nothing was confirmed 100%. He did also tell me he believed I should have had a miscarriage in February but my daughter was a fighter & she held on. He told me that my husband & I had his blessing to try again in a few months, if we wanted to. At that point, & to this day, I have so many mixed emotions about conceiving again. After my appointment I went to the hospital to pick up a certificate of Audrey’s foot prints & hand prints. I was never going to get a birth certificate but I could at least have something of hers to hold onto. I opened the envelope they gave me & I reached in & pulled out the paper with her prints on them. I was blown away. The wind felt like it was knocked out of me. I stared at the paper & touched the prints & the tears just flowed. My Mom had come with me for emotional support & she looked at the prints & said “Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry!” I read the certificate with her name printed on the top & it listed her parents’ names & the time she was born & then I saw the length & weight. My Angel was born weighing only four & half ounces & she was only seven & a half inches long. My mind still even now cannot fathom how tiny that is. I just remember staring at the prints & feeling this major panic & regret. I am not a person who had any regrets, until now. I wish I could go back & change the night she was born. I wish I could go back & hold her, even if it was only one time. I know she knows I love her but I wish I could have some closure with that & now I never will.
I have struggled a lot with depression & anxiety since Audrey’s death. I always knew what stillbirth was. I knew it existed but I never imagined it would ever happen to me. You always hear about bad things happening to other people & you think you’re invincible. You think those kinds of things happen to everyone else but you. Then it does happen to you & it rocks your world in every way imaginable. I am seeing a counselor & slowly starting to put the pieces of my life back together. I have days where I barely cry & days where I can’t stop the tears no matter how hard I try. I have days where I feel liking blaming God & days where I am thankful He gave me an angel to watch over me during my time here on Earth. There are no words I can write to truly convey how it feels to lose a child. Words like excruciating & gut wrenching & heart shattering come to mind but even those words don’t scratch the surface of how it feels to bury something that once had a beating heart inside of your body. I stare at her prints often & I touch them & hold them close to my chest. I tell her I love her every day. I tell her how much I miss her every day. My oldest daughter was so looking forward to her little sister’s arrival & when we told her the baby was gone & we weren’t bringing a baby home like we planned she told me “It’s okay, Mommy, it’s not your fault.” I still get tears in my eyes when I think about that. I know nothing I did or didn’t do could have prevented this but it never changes the aching I feel in my heart for her. I have done so much reflecting since this nightmare began. I remember looking at that pregnancy test & those two pink lines & I had the giddiest expression & I was in total shock. Now, when I look at those same tests (I have saved them from both of my pregnancies) a feeling of total sadness & dread comes over me. I still have the rest of my life to get through and play the “what if’” game.
I don’t know if I’ll get pregnant again. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another baby to hold & care for. I do know I will always have two amazing & beautiful daughters. I’ve told so many people that my oldest daughter is my Angel here on Earth & Audrey is my Angel in Heaven. I will spend the rest of my days looking forward to the day when I can be with her again. She’s on my mind every minute of every day & I know that will never change. The years may make the pain hurt less but it will always be there. The way I feel about her & the way I feel about her loss will never change. I have a tremendous support system around me; amazing people who love & care for me & so many people on the online community who have reached out &offered their support. This experience has shown me that there really are good people in this world. As grateful as I am for them & their generosity, I wish I never had the endure this & hear their words of sympathy & caring. I appreciate it, no doubt, but of course the wish that I had never gone through this to hear that never goes away.
If you find yourself reading this story because you have been through the same experience, I am so very sorry. There are no words I can say that will make the pain you feel go away. There will be days where you think you’re doing okay & then you’ll see or hear something that just throws your whole mind off & you can’t get your focus back because all you think about is your child, the child you loved inside of your body but never got to love the way you wanted to outside of your body. The feelings you’re feeling are all natural. I thought I was crazy & believe me, I still do sometimes. Take time to be with the ones you love & thank them for the support they’ve given to you. This experience will show you who your true friends & true family are. I know it has opened my eyes & changed my perspective on a lot of my relationships with people. Audrey may not have served the purpose I expected her to but she is serving a purpose. She’s my guiding light. She’s the light that pushes me to carry on & be a better mother to the daughter I still have with me & to be a better wife to my husband. They’re all I have. She’s shown me what is important in my life. Take the time to thank your Angel for that & know that they are always with you, in spirit & in your heart for all the days of your life.
In the most loving Memory of:
Audrey Taylor Davis
May 5th, 2009
10:40 p.m.
Mommy, Daddy & your Big Sister miss you so much Angel. You’re my every heart beat, my every breath, my every move. I will see you again one day my Angel. I love you so much!
Pray for Parents of Stillborn Babies on Facebook
November 10, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As each day passes, we are amazed at the amount of people who visit this website. More often than not it is because they have also lost a child. Whether it is due to a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or an early infant death, we all have one thing in common – we are living without at least one of our children.
There are so many websites out there that claim to “research stillbirth” and, of course, want financial donations. There are others that claim their products can actually “prevent stillbirth”. Interesting, to say the least.
My prayer is that you avoid these websites as we have. A majority of the time, there is no medical reason for babies who are stillborn. All the research in the world would not have prevented Katelyn’s death, and millions of others. There are so many wonderful people that we have met through Katelyn’s site, and in my heart I know they believe the same about their sweet little babies.
I was on Facebook the other day and it hit me; why don’t we start a cause for parents of stillborn babies. Our mission is absolutely, positively not to request donations. We just want to demonstrate our faith in the power of prayer, and make everyone aware that parents of stillborn children need prayer. I have to admit that there have been more days than not when I relied on prayer to get me through them.
There is also one other reason why we started a cause on Facebook. There are so many mothers and fathers all over the world that have lost a child and yet have not been on our website. For those who are gracious enough to share the stories of their little babies with us, we want to post their stories of faith and healing on our site. After all, the site is not just about Katelyn and stillbirth – it is about every other baby who was either born in Heaven, or left us before we were ready to let them go.
God Bless everyone who joins our cause and shares the message of hope and healing that we can only receive through Jesus Christ. It is only through prayer that we can truly help parents who have lost children. Besides, in Matthew Chapter 18, verses 19 and 20, Jesus promised, “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” What more could we ask for?
We would be blessed if you could join our Cause on Facebook via the following link:
