Baby Angel Grace/Cradled in Heaven
January 25, 2010 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
In an effort to provide a forum setting for parents who have lost babies to talk/ask questions/provide insight to other parents/etc., we decided it would be a good idea to create a page for the Baby Angel Grace site on Facebook.
You are probably wondering why we use both Baby Angel Grace and Cradled in Heaven. Even if you are not, I feel the need to explain.
I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my husband Scott while standing in our kitchen a few weeks after Katelyn died. After searching online and in the library for any information on stillbirth, we came up empty. The only library books available were on Miscarriage and Abortion, and the only online resources didn’t give any helpful information for grieving parents. Sure there is some ‘medical information’ out there, but if you are like us and have been told that there was no ‘medical reason’ for your baby’s death, then that information is pretty much useless to you as well.
We knew that we couldn’t be the only parents alive who suffered the loss of a child, so it was at that moment that we decided to create a website in Katelyn’s memory with the intent to share our story and with the hope that we could help other parents who also had a loss.
To make a long story short, we bought the domain name of Baby Angel Grace from one provider, but the site was limited in functionality. In the meantime, 2 wonderful men in our church volunteered to perform the initial set-up of the site with their company. The only problem was trying to get the www.babyangelgrace.com URL back. So, we created www.cradledinheaven.com. Now, we have both of them pointing to the same site.
My point in telling you all of this is that we would feel privileged if you would not only become a fan on the Facebook page, but also if you would share your story and your baby’s birth date so that we can remember them on the special day they went to meet Jesus each and every year.
I would like to leave you today with a verse that came to mind.
In John Chapter 16, verse 33, Jesus gave this promise to His disciples “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Merry Christmas from Baby Angel Grace
December 23, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
God has been so faithful to us this year and we pray that He has been faithful to you as well. He is the rock to steady us, the peace to calm our fears, the loving arms ready to comfort us, the compassionate heart who sent His Son Jesus to die so that we may live.
Imagine our little babies celebrating Christmas in Heaven with Jesus! How awesome! Listening in awe as the choirs of angels sing out their praises to the King of Kings! It brings tears of joy to my eyes just knowing that Katelyn is there to experience the joy of Jesus right there with Him!
Though we miss Katelyn Grace each and every day, we are comforted in knowing that Jesus is taking care of her and blessing her in every way.
God Bless You as you celebrate the birth of His Son Jesus!
You are loved!
Scott and Audrey
The Christmas Story
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
When the angels went away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.” And they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they saw it, they made known the saying that had been told them concerning this child. And all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb. Luke 2:4-21 (ESV)
Baby Audrey
November 12, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Every time I read another mother’s account of her experience with having a stillborn baby, I find myself reliving the night we lost Katelyn Grace. I thank God every day for the true strength of mothers like Cassie who are willing to share their story in the hopes that they can offer some comfort to other parents who have also lost their babies. Since Cassie’s baby and I have the same name, her story was even more touching to me. Here is the story of her little baby girl named Audrey.
…On December 27th, 2008 the pregnancy test I took showed two pink lines. Little did I know that those two pink lines would change my life forever.
My husband Adam & I met at a young age. I was 14 & he was 16. We were married at an even younger age, I was 16 & he was 18. We’ve been through a lot in our 8 years as a couple. We’ve been through a separation due to the War in Iraq that lasted 8 very long & lonely months. We’ve been through a cross-country move back to our home state & then the birth of our first daughter in August of 2006.
In late 2008 we decided to start trying to conceive again. My husband had just gotten a very good job as a corrections officer & I was making good money at my job. Life at that time couldn’t have been better.
Getting pregnant with Audrey took a lot quicker than it did with her big sister…On December 27th, 2008 I discovered I was pregnant. The next day was our sixth wedding anniversary. I thought the timing couldn’t have been better!
My first OB appointment confirmed a beating heart & a due date of September 9th, 2009 – 9/9/2009. The first trimester of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I felt amazing! I was on cloud nine!
On February 24, 2009 I was getting out of my car when I came home from work & immediately felt something was wrong. The terror I felt was unimaginable. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage.
My husband rushed me to the ER. They took forever to get me back to a room & the experience there was truly traumatic. No one seemed to care that I was hysterical & upset thinking I was losing my baby. I had an ultrasound & the tech refused to confirm if she saw the heart beating or not. She told me she’d send my results to the radiologist & they would inform the ER Doctor if the baby was alive or not. It took them several hours before I got the results that indeed my baby was ok. I went for a check-up with my OB just hours after I left the ER & he showed me my little baby on the ultrasound, her heart just beating away.
After that night, the pregnancy was kind of up & down…
Things between March & April went really smooth. I was feeling great. On April 10th I saw my beautiful girl’s face on the ultrasound. Her gender was still a mystery to me then but I got to see her gorgeous face. That would also be the last time I’d see her heart beating. The last time I’d see my baby alive.
I remember every moment of the day I found out I lost her, from beginning to end. I don’t think that is a day that I will ever get out of my mind. The day was May 5th. My appointment was scheduled for 9:40 a.m. so I woke up extra early. I wanted to get ready, get cleaned up & made sure I drank orange juice that day because I wanted to know if we were going to welcome a little sister or little brother for our older daughter. I woke my husband up because he was coming with me that day. He was so excited to learn the gender of our second child. We spent the ride to the office laughing, giggling & discussing baby names. We were still undecided for a boy name. I was leaning towards Owen & he was thinking of either Gavin or Aiden. We knew from the moment we got pregnant that if we had another girl we’d name her Audrey Taylor.
I waited in the waiting room for a little bit. My husband played on his phone & I played on mine. It took the Doctor a few minutes to come into the room. So, to pass the time my husband & I laughed & told jokes, something we always do a lot of when we’re together. A little while later the Doctor came into the exam room to perform the ultrasound. He asked a few routine questions about how I felt & it was then that my whole life changed.
He was moving the ultrasound wand over my stomach & I mentioned we were hoping to find out the gender of the baby that day. ..I was nervous thinking I’d have a stubborn child that wouldn’t show us. The response I got from the Doctor immediately startled me. He said “uh huh” in a tone that implied there was definitely something wrong. The words that came out of his mouth after that still give me chills & make my stomach turn into a ball of knots. He looked at me & told me he did not see my baby’s heart beating or any fluid around her at all. I immediately started to breathe heavily & panicked. I looked at my husband & saw the flushed look of terror on his face. The Doctor passed me a box of tissues & I lost it. I was hysterical. The hours after that felt like such a blur. I went to the hospital I’d deliver at & had another ultrasound to confirm what he found. Afterwards I was told to go back to his office to “discuss my options.” At that time I knew there was only one option – I was going to have to deliver my dead child, my child whose gender still remained a mystery to me at that time. I knew she was dead before I even knew she was a girl.
The Doctor asked me if I wanted to go home & think about things or if I wanted to come back the next day.. I knew right then & there that there was no way I could go home, watch my older daughter & play with her, knowing my other baby was dead inside of me. My husband & I made the very painful decision to go straight to the hospital & start the induction.
It was at that point that we began making phone calls to our family & I sent out texts to my co-workers because I knew telling them on the phone was going to be too hard. I called my Mom in hysterics & the first words I said were “Mom, I have bad news. We lost the baby.” I don’t remember a lot of what was said or happened after that. I remember walking to the Labor & Delivery ward & I just couldn’t believe I was back there again but under very different circumstances this time.
I was immediately put into a room. I noticed (after we were being discharged) that I was placed at a room that was further away from the other rooms. Now I know why – they didn’t want to me to have to hear the newborn babies crying. My delivery was not going to be a happy & joyous occasion like the others that day. I was delivering my dead baby.
Several nurses came in & asked a ton of questions. The one that stood out the most was “Are you sure you’re ready to do this today?” I was so completely blown away every time that question was asked. Of course I was not ready to deliver my dead child but what other choice did they think I had? After the hustle & bustle of all of that was over, the induction started. .. I couldn’t believe I was experiencing labor again & being forced to endure a delivery with no happy ending in sight.
My Dad rushed to the hospital as soon as he got the call about what had happened. My husband was out talking with family & getting some fresh air. I know he felt like the walls were closing in on him too & he just needed some fresh air. When my Dad walked into my room & saw me lying there, he came over & held me & we cried. We barely spoke but we knew what each other was thinking & feeling. He kept telling me how sorry he was & all I could say was this was the cruelest thing in the world. To make a woman give birth to a child she can’t ever take home, there are no words to describe the torture & agony of how that feels.
Shortly after my Dad showed up, the medicine to knock me out started to kick in. I was so grateful for that. I just wanted my thoughts & the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces to stop for a while.
It was later in the evening when the labor started to progress & I was feeling a lot more pain & discomfort. The thoughts that kept running through my mind were of complete shock. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, to us. My mother-in-law & grandfather-in-law came to the hospital later in the evening. I had asked my Mom to stay at home with my older daughter. I needed to know she was with someone I trusted & one less worry on my mind. When my mother-in-law walked into the room she immediately hugged me & held me tight. She too had experienced the same loss. She had lost twin girls in August of 1986. They were stillborn due to a cord accident. She knew the pain I was feeling and knew just how to comfort me.
I also had another special person with me that night, my night nurse, Ally. She was a truly remarkable person. She told me she had also been through the same experience. When the shift changed & she came into my room to introduce herself, she hugged me & told me how sorry she was. I was never greeted in that way by a nurse before & it still blows me away when I think about how she was that night. She was a true comfort to me that night. I can’t express just how deeply she touched me.
Things started to pick up in the late evening hours. I was having terrible contractions & a lot of back labor. I got my epidural around 10:20 p.m. & 20 minutes later my angel was born. At 10:40 p.m. my world was shattered, broken & changed forever. I discovered after the birth that my husband & I had lost a little girl. We had lost our second daughter. I made the decision that night not to see her or hold her. My reasons why at the time were so clouded by the complete shock that this was actually happening. I felt like if I didn’t see her or hold her than this wasn’t real, that she wasn’t really gone & this was all a nightmare I’d wake up from.
Ally came in later to help me clean up. My legs were shaky & wobbly from the epidural & I was more exhausted than I’d ever been in my whole life. When she was helping me clean up she told me “You are so brave & strong. I know you don’t feel that way now but you really are.” I remember thinking to myself “Yeah right.” I couldn’t even say anything to her. I didn’t have any words to say at that time. I just wanted to sink into a black hole & disappear.
The hours after the delivery, after they had taken Audrey’s body away, I lay in bed & just stared at the clock, stared at the wall. I just stared with the blankest expression on my face. My husband had fallen asleep. I knew he was just as exhausted as I was. He tried to be so strong during the whole experience. He cried a few times, the hardest when the Doctor had told us we lost our girl. He was standing at the head of my bed during the delivery, holding my hand, with his head buried towards the floor. We never once looked into each other’s eyes during the delivery but we had an iron clad grip on each other’s hands & when it was announced our baby was a girl, the grip got tighter as we sobbed together.
The next morning I was discharged. I knew it made no sense to keep me there & was eager to go home & lay under my covers all night, but it just seemed all so fast. Just barely 12 hours after I delivered my daughter I went home. Before I left the hospital I had to fill out standard papers & another set of papers no parent ever wants to fill out – papers arranging the burial of my daughter. When the nurse asked me her name I said “Audrey Taylor Davis” & then she asked me “Do you want a funeral service for Audrey?” In between tears & hysterics, my husband & I said that we did want a burial for her. The nurse informed me that she’d give the information to the funeral home & they’d be calling me to arrange the details. The nurse also gave me some packets of information about stillbirth & a special gift from the hospital. It was a white silk pillow with a tiny card & a tiny gold ring inside of a pouch. She told me she wanted us to know that the hospital recognized the birth of my baby like any other.
The drive home was quiet. I didn’t talk or do anything. I just stared out the window. I knew my sister-in-law was just hours away from delivering her second child, also a girl, & I just couldn’t understand why God took my baby away. I wouldn’t wish this pain & agony on anyone but it really makes a person question “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” When we arrived in town, we went & picked my older daughter up. I hadn’t seen her since Monday & it was now Wednesday. I was going crazy missing her. When she saw me walk up the stairs into the living room she made a flying leap into my arms & yelled “MOMMY!” I just grabbed her & hugged her tight. I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears. I needed her hugs & kiss more than anything in the world.
When I got home I just wanted to lie down & not do anything else. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any harder on Friday the funeral home called. When I answered the phone the funeral director told me how sorry she was & asked me “Do you want a burial or cremation?” I didn’t know how to respond. I sat silent on the phone for what felt like an eternity & then I asked my husband what he wanted. We agreed on a burial. We arranged the service for that Monday, the 11th of May at 11 a.m.
I spent the weekend just crying, nothing but a hysterical mess. I had massive panic attacks; my milk was coming in. When I noticed that, I cried huge, hard, head pounding tears. I know my body didn’t realize my baby had died; it only realized I’d gone into labor & delivered a child. It was doing what it was supposed to do but at the time it just felt like one more stab to my heart, one more painful reminder of what I didn’t have, of what was taken away from me.
The morning of the service was something I had been dreading. I knew she deserved a proper good bye. I just didn’t know how to do that. It wasn’t something I had ever thought would happen to me & I just didn’t know what to do or where life was going to take me after this. When we got to the cemetery & I saw everything set up, I began shaking & my hands began to sweat. My heart was pounding a million miles a minute. I didn’t know how I was going to bury my sweet baby, a baby I never even held.
The service was very beautiful. My father-in-law is a preacher so he did the service for us. From the moment he began to speak, the tears were flowing. I grabbed onto my husband, wrapped my hands around his waist & held on for dear life. At that very moment, he was my life line. He was keeping me from crumbling to the ground. After the service was over, I sat down & stared at the little white box that contained my daughter’s body. Everyone said “take as much time as you need,” & I never said a word. I wanted to tell them “if I take as much time as I need, we’ll never leave. I can’t leave her behind. I just can’t leave my little girl here without her Mommy.”
I got up after what felt like forever & walked towards the stand that held her casket. I examined every square inch of that box, placed my hand on it & ran my fingers all over the fabric & the flower arrangement on top. I wanted to feel where she was lying just once. I wanted her to know her Mommy was there & that I loved her with every beat of my broken heart. I hugged my husband & begged to stay just a little while longer. I cried out “I can’t leave her. I just can’t leave our baby girl. I don’t want to leave her here. I feel like we’re leaving her behind. I can’t. I can’t.”
I eventually made it to the car. I hugged everyone good bye before we left. Something my mother-in-law said to me while we hugged is something I firmly believe with every fiber of my being. Time does not heal all wounds. It only puts a scab on them & every once in awhile they bleed. I know she spent much of that day reliving her own horror of losing her twins. We embraced for a long time before we left. I lay in bed all day & all night after that. I cried & cried & cried. Just when I thought I was all out of tears, they started all over again.
Two days after the service I had an OB appointment. He told me he suspected this to most likely be genetic but nothing was confirmed 100%. He did also tell me he believed I should have had a miscarriage in February but my daughter was a fighter & she held on. He told me that my husband & I had his blessing to try again in a few months, if we wanted to. At that point, & to this day, I have so many mixed emotions about conceiving again. After my appointment I went to the hospital to pick up a certificate of Audrey’s foot prints & hand prints. I was never going to get a birth certificate but I could at least have something of hers to hold onto. I opened the envelope they gave me & I reached in & pulled out the paper with her prints on them. I was blown away. The wind felt like it was knocked out of me. I stared at the paper & touched the prints & the tears just flowed. My Mom had come with me for emotional support & she looked at the prints & said “Oh Cassie, I’m so sorry!” I read the certificate with her name printed on the top & it listed her parents’ names & the time she was born & then I saw the length & weight. My Angel was born weighing only four & half ounces & she was only seven & a half inches long. My mind still even now cannot fathom how tiny that is. I just remember staring at the prints & feeling this major panic & regret. I am not a person who had any regrets, until now. I wish I could go back & change the night she was born. I wish I could go back & hold her, even if it was only one time. I know she knows I love her but I wish I could have some closure with that & now I never will.
I have struggled a lot with depression & anxiety since Audrey’s death. I always knew what stillbirth was. I knew it existed but I never imagined it would ever happen to me. You always hear about bad things happening to other people & you think you’re invincible. You think those kinds of things happen to everyone else but you. Then it does happen to you & it rocks your world in every way imaginable. I am seeing a counselor & slowly starting to put the pieces of my life back together. I have days where I barely cry & days where I can’t stop the tears no matter how hard I try. I have days where I feel liking blaming God & days where I am thankful He gave me an angel to watch over me during my time here on Earth. There are no words I can write to truly convey how it feels to lose a child. Words like excruciating & gut wrenching & heart shattering come to mind but even those words don’t scratch the surface of how it feels to bury something that once had a beating heart inside of your body. I stare at her prints often & I touch them & hold them close to my chest. I tell her I love her every day. I tell her how much I miss her every day. My oldest daughter was so looking forward to her little sister’s arrival & when we told her the baby was gone & we weren’t bringing a baby home like we planned she told me “It’s okay, Mommy, it’s not your fault.” I still get tears in my eyes when I think about that. I know nothing I did or didn’t do could have prevented this but it never changes the aching I feel in my heart for her. I have done so much reflecting since this nightmare began. I remember looking at that pregnancy test & those two pink lines & I had the giddiest expression & I was in total shock. Now, when I look at those same tests (I have saved them from both of my pregnancies) a feeling of total sadness & dread comes over me. I still have the rest of my life to get through and play the “what if’” game.
I don’t know if I’ll get pregnant again. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another baby to hold & care for. I do know I will always have two amazing & beautiful daughters. I’ve told so many people that my oldest daughter is my Angel here on Earth & Audrey is my Angel in Heaven. I will spend the rest of my days looking forward to the day when I can be with her again. She’s on my mind every minute of every day & I know that will never change. The years may make the pain hurt less but it will always be there. The way I feel about her & the way I feel about her loss will never change. I have a tremendous support system around me; amazing people who love & care for me & so many people on the online community who have reached out &offered their support. This experience has shown me that there really are good people in this world. As grateful as I am for them & their generosity, I wish I never had the endure this & hear their words of sympathy & caring. I appreciate it, no doubt, but of course the wish that I had never gone through this to hear that never goes away.
If you find yourself reading this story because you have been through the same experience, I am so very sorry. There are no words I can say that will make the pain you feel go away. There will be days where you think you’re doing okay & then you’ll see or hear something that just throws your whole mind off & you can’t get your focus back because all you think about is your child, the child you loved inside of your body but never got to love the way you wanted to outside of your body. The feelings you’re feeling are all natural. I thought I was crazy & believe me, I still do sometimes. Take time to be with the ones you love & thank them for the support they’ve given to you. This experience will show you who your true friends & true family are. I know it has opened my eyes & changed my perspective on a lot of my relationships with people. Audrey may not have served the purpose I expected her to but she is serving a purpose. She’s my guiding light. She’s the light that pushes me to carry on & be a better mother to the daughter I still have with me & to be a better wife to my husband. They’re all I have. She’s shown me what is important in my life. Take the time to thank your Angel for that & know that they are always with you, in spirit & in your heart for all the days of your life.
In the most loving Memory of:
Audrey Taylor Davis
May 5th, 2009
10:40 p.m.
Mommy, Daddy & your Big Sister miss you so much Angel. You’re my every heart beat, my every breath, my every move. I will see you again one day my Angel. I love you so much!
Pray for Parents of Stillborn Babies on Facebook
November 10, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As each day passes, we are amazed at the amount of people who visit this website. More often than not it is because they have also lost a child. Whether it is due to a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or an early infant death, we all have one thing in common – we are living without at least one of our children.
There are so many websites out there that claim to “research stillbirth” and, of course, want financial donations. There are others that claim their products can actually “prevent stillbirth”. Interesting, to say the least.
My prayer is that you avoid these websites as we have. A majority of the time, there is no medical reason for babies who are stillborn. All the research in the world would not have prevented Katelyn’s death, and millions of others. There are so many wonderful people that we have met through Katelyn’s site, and in my heart I know they believe the same about their sweet little babies.
I was on Facebook the other day and it hit me; why don’t we start a cause for parents of stillborn babies. Our mission is absolutely, positively not to request donations. We just want to demonstrate our faith in the power of prayer, and make everyone aware that parents of stillborn children need prayer. I have to admit that there have been more days than not when I relied on prayer to get me through them.
There is also one other reason why we started a cause on Facebook. There are so many mothers and fathers all over the world that have lost a child and yet have not been on our website. For those who are gracious enough to share the stories of their little babies with us, we want to post their stories of faith and healing on our site. After all, the site is not just about Katelyn and stillbirth – it is about every other baby who was either born in Heaven, or left us before we were ready to let them go.
God Bless everyone who joins our cause and shares the message of hope and healing that we can only receive through Jesus Christ. It is only through prayer that we can truly help parents who have lost children. Besides, in Matthew Chapter 18, verses 19 and 20, Jesus promised, “Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” What more could we ask for?
We would be blessed if you could join our Cause on Facebook via the following link:
Pray for Parents of Stillborn Babies on Facebook
When People Ask If You Have Children Or How Many…
November 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
How do you respond?
Many times since we were blessed with our son Blake in August of this year, we are asked if he is our only child. He is obviously not our only child since Katelyn is our firstborn, but it is tough to find the right way to answer this question. Our typical answer? No, he is our second child. If we do not go on to tell them about Katelyn Grace, undoubtedly the next question is, ‘Well where is he or she?’
Scott and I usually look at each other, not always sure how to respond depending on where we are and who is asking. Our standard answer has been that we had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.
Around 99% of the time, people just say ‘I’m sorry’. We assure them that they didn’t know, so they should not feel bad about their question. Sometimes, depending on the audience, I will even pull out a picture or two of Katelyn to show them. I rarely leave home without her pictures, mainly because I find comfort in being able to pull them out and look at them wherever I am. Honestly, I feel like something is missing when I don’t have her pictures with me.
The other day as we were walking away from a store in which we were asked about how many children we have and where the other one ‘was’, Scott came up with the best answer to use in the future. When people ask us where Katelyn is, he suggested that we answer “She is with Jesus”. I can honestly say that I was speechless for a few seconds. What a testimony of strong faith shown in such a simple, but profound statement!
Before Blake was born, and people asked us if we had any children, I would answer ‘Yes, but we lost our little girl last year. She was stillborn.” Scott has always answered ‘We had a little girl, but she did not make it home from the hospital.” Since Blake was born, we have never once said that he have one child; that would be a lie. We have and always will have 2 children. Even though Katelyn was born and is growing up in Heaven, she is still and always will be our little girl.
Going forward, I want our answer to be that we have 2 children, Blake Alexander and our little girl Katelyn who is with Jesus. That is the only truth we know.
My advice to you? Don’t discount your baby’s existence even though he or she is in Heaven. Use people’s questions as an opportunity to share your faith, even in 4 short words: He/She is with Jesus.
She was stillborn, but she was Still Born.
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
September 28, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Heaven is the Face – Stephen Curtis Chapman
This song captures a lot of what we dreamed about with Katelyn Grace. After listening to the words for the first time, I could feel the pain through each verse being sung. I am not sure exactly what it was, but something in the words prompted me to search online for anything related to Stephen Curtis Chapman and a little girl. I had no idea my search would result in an article about how he lost a little girl too. My heart broke as I read the news article. Maria Sue Chapman went to Heaven just after she turned 5 due to an accident. The circumstances are not the same by any means, but the pain is just as real for both of us and our families.
There is one verse in particular that captures what we imagine it will be like when we meet Jesus and Katelyn in Heaven someday.
“Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You and we both run into Your arms”
This song and the words were definitely inspired by God. What a blessing it is to know that He works through even the most tragic of circumstances. I can only pray for the Chapman family and hope that Stephen is granted some peace just by knowing he is encouraging others who have suffered the loss of a child by sharing his pain through the words to a simple song.
I pray that the words to this song offer some peace to you as we all wait for the day when we will meet up with our blessed little children.
Joy of One, Loss of Another
August 20, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
On August 6, 2009 we celebrated the birth of our son Blake Alexander. 9 days later we remembered the one year anniversary of the loss of our daughter Katelyn Grace.
I have to admit, those were a tough couple of weeks. The excitement and pure joy of looking into the eyes of my beautiful, healthy newborn son was a feeling I never imagined. I felt even more blessed because I know how a loss can impact you and how the gift of life becomes more precious than ever. Katelyn’s memory was so close to the surface that I spent a lot of time crying because a part of my heart is still (and always will be) empty. I also spent a lot of time crying for pure joy because Jesus gave Scott and I a gift like no other in our little boy.
As Blake was about to come into this world, I was given another very special gift; I suddenly had an image of Jesus holding Katelyn’s hand, standing and waiting. As soon as Blake was born, I saw Katelyn jumping up and down in excitement. Her dark curls bounced up and down as she clapped her hands. Jesus stood calmly beside her, laughing with her excitement. As Jesus took her by the hand and led her away, she turned, put her tiny hand on her lips and blew me a kiss before skipping off into the distance.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that there is a way we can communicate with our loved ones who have passed, or that they can somehow communicate with us. There is nothing further from the truth. The image in my mind was no doubt a gift from Jesus. It was His way of letting me know that Katelyn would be excited about having a younger brother and that she knows that she will always be a part of our family. She will always be our firstborn daughter and WE WILL meet her again someday.
Katelyn will never be forgotten. She was born in Heaven so to bring her Daddy and I closer to Jesus and so that we could be a resource to other parents of stillborn children. I know and believe that without a doubt.
As I held Blake for the first time I remember that I almost felt guilty for my happiness. He so closely resembled Katelyn with his little apple cheeks, his dark wavy hair, and his cute little button nose. That guilt quickly disappeared as I hugged my little boy close to my heart. He is not a replacement for Katelyn; he is just a beautiful little boy that we will treasure forever.
As each day passes I see more and more of Katelyn Grace in Blake, and I thank God every day for this precious little bundle that did not take Katelyn’s place, but rather gave us the hope that not only will we see Katelyn again but that we are blessed because we have turned her loss into a way to help other families with similar losses.
My prayer is that every family who has suffered an infant loss will place their trust in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him, we would be lost in our grief. By putting our trust in Him we have been given a new life that we will dedicate to Him.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Jesus heard our prayer and he answered it with a little boy named Blake.
Baby Rien
August 5, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
This is the story of baby Rien, born in Heaven on December 22, 1996. He was stillborn, but he was Still Born. Thanks to Suzan Doedens for sharing her story. Her testimony shows that God is good and He will restore us from our grief and bless us with more than we could ever imagine. Since Suzan is from Holland it is a reminder that stillborn babies are born everywhere, and that there are families all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child. It truly is a small world after all.
My husband and I married in 1993 and from that moment on we very much wanted to start our own family. But while waiting and praying time went by and I didn’t become pregnant. After 1 ½ years we went to the hospital for a fertility examination. The diagnosis was that my hormones were that disturbed that I would never get pregnant without medical treatment. My husband and I believed that those treatments were not the way God wanted us to go. So we had to accept the fact that we would not have children of our own. In the following time we focused on becoming foster parents: Taking care of children that cannot live with their own parents due to various problems. On the 21st of December 1996 something strange happened. … I noticed something was wrong with me. I was really terrified because I thought I would die. My doctor examined me and told my husband and me that I was pregnant and that it was the umbilical cord that I felt. I was completely in shock. Pregnant??? I was going by ambulance to the hospital. There an echo graph was made and I appeared to be around 20 weeks pregnant, but the baby already died inside my tummy. My husband and I stayed at the hospital that night and the following morning I was given medicine to activate the delivery. 2 hours later our son was stillborn. We called him Rien. We were overwhelmed by emotions. Within 24 hours we had to find out that I was pregnant without knowing, than we heard that the baby already died and finally, totally unprepared for this, I delivered our baby son. Through all of the emotions we felt that Jesus was on our side to comfort us and carry us in this difficult situation.
In the years that followed our family grew. In 1997 our son Nico was born. A year later another son, Tijmen, was born. In 2002 Amir, a foster-baby son came to live with us; in 2004 another foster-baby son came into our family. We feel very blessed with our boys. We know our Rien is in heaven and we long for the day we will meet him there with Jesus. We don’t understand why Rien couldn’t stay here with us, but knowing that he is with Jesus comforts us.
So that’s our story.
She Was Never Alone
August 4, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As we approach the one year mark of when our precious Katelyn Grace went to Heaven, all the memories of that day have been coming back more and more.
Oftentimes I still battle with the feeling that there was a time when Katelyn was alone. I know in my heart that Jesus has been with her since she was first conceived, but I feel like I let her down. I remember taking one last look at my baby girl in the hospital room before leaving on the same day she was born. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room until a nurse came in to stay with her. I didn’t want to leave her alone until the people from the funeral home came to pick her up.
The next and last time I saw her was in the funeral home. She was in a little bassinet on a table in the front of a small room. I remember walking into the room and just wanting to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to hold her one last time.
As my husband and I stood on both sides of the bassinet, I noticed how she looked so tiny, so fragile, so helpless….so alone. She was so cold, but yet so beautiful and real to me. Scott and I placed rose petals around her with the note that I wrote to her when we first arrived at the hospital to deliver her.
I remember our pastor coming to perform her service. He was also at the hospital the morning she was born. I had asked him to baptize her, but he stated with gentle conviction that she was not there with us, that she was already in Heaven. He was right. Even though I knew she was gone, I was holding her in my arms and at that moment staring down at her beautiful black curly hair and innocent face, I desperately wanted to believe that she was really there with me.
Even at her service, God gave our pastor the words to speak not only the truth of where Katelyn was, but also that she was never alone, and never will be. Those words still give me comfort, but I still struggle with her loss and I know I always will.
There is a song by the David Crowder Band titled “Come Awake”. I often listen to this song because I can picture Jesus gently whispering to Katelyn to wake up and come with him. The words to this song are just amazing. ….’Come Awake from Sleep, Arise’…. It amazes me how God has given the gift of words such as these to some of us here on earth. He has his hand in so much more than we can ever comprehend.
I honestly can’t imagine grieving Katelyn’s loss without the hope we have in Jesus Christ, and knowing without a doubt that not only will he never leave us just like he has never left Katelyn, not even for a moment. I look at grieving as an expression of love, more than of loss. It is a love of another that is so strong that living without another hurts your heart.
So as we approach this one year mark, our grief will continue, but I can smile knowing that we will see her again. Until then…we will trust in our Heavenly Father to take care of her (and of us).
I leave you tonight with one of God’s promises…“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Katelyn was stillborn, but she was Still Born, and through God’s promises we know that she will never be alone.
A Unique Opportunity – Offering Advice to Doctors
June 25, 2009 by Audreys · 1 Comment
Scott and I were asked to tell Katelyn’s story this morning to a group of about 50 doctors at Northwestern Hospital. They wanted to learn more about our experience with losing Katelyn and how the medical community could better handle cases when an infant dies.
In my heart I know God was there with us, because although we have told our story countless times, the content was a bit different this time. We had to vocalize the most painful parts we endured with the doctors, the initial grief, the ‘event’ itself and then tell them what could have been done differently.
Remembering back to 10 ½ months ago when we first learned Katelyn’s heart stopped brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was taken back to that ultrasound room where I received a head nod when I asked if she was dead. God gave me the grace and composure to continue on with our story and the advice we had for the doctors.
Our advice to the doctors was first and foremost “Listen to your patients.” When a mother calls her doctor because she instinctively knows something is not right with her baby, listen to her and insist that she come in to the office as soon as she can. Some of the other advice we gave them was:
- When a patient comes into the office after calling to tell you that she has not felt her baby move for a long time, don’t make her sit in the waiting room. In our case, I had to sit in the waiting room for 35 minutes before they would see me.
- We know how these families feel and we also know that a connection like this was something we needed and wanted after Katelyn died.
- Never refer to the baby as “it” or “IUFD” (Intrauterine Fetal Death or In Utero Fetal Demise) in any conversations with the family or on any paperwork given to them. To this date, the doctor will not put Katelyn Grace’s name on her medical records. Even though she was born without life, she was Still Born.
- Do the thinking for the patient – take a mold of the footprints, make an ID bracelet for the baby with his/her name on it, etc.
- When the patient asks for something, try to accommodate them. Losing a child is not only unbearable, but unknown territory for the parents
- Remember that the baby might be a statistic to society, but he/she is a big part of someone’s family
- Offer the option for a NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) photographer to come in and take pictures. This was offered to us and we can’t imagine going a day without looking at her pictures. She was truly beautiful.
Do I blame the doctor we had for Katelyn’s death? I must admit, I actually did at first. I think it is a natural thing when a child dies with no medical explanation. Do I blame myself? I admit I do that sometimes too. But then I remember that we live in a fallen world and only God has control over life and death. I know in my heart that the pain of losing Katelyn Grace will never go away while Scott and I are here on this earth, but there is comfort in knowing that she is with Jesus and we will see her again someday. In the meantime, we can rest in the knowledge that she is without pain, without tears, without fear or loneliness. She was made perfect in the image of God and remains right there with him.
She was Stillborn, but she was Still Born.
