A Stillborn Heart
October 31, 2010 by Audreys · 1 Comment
There was a time recently when I looked back to the day Katelyn Grace died and felt numb inside. It started on August 15th; 2 years to the day from when Katelyn was born still. Without knowing it, my grieving of her changed and my own heart became stillborn. I lost my joy and started to withdraw from my quiet time with the Lord. This might sound elementary, but it is more damaging than you realize. Believe me when I say that there is no worse feeling than when you lose your joy. Joy is pure, innocent delight and happiness. It is the feeling that you just want to start rejoicing for the utter beauty of what you feel. It is knowing you have a savior that loves you with an everlasting love. The opposite is misery, sorrow, and utter despair. It is really grief without hope. And it is not a feeling I ever want to experience again.
I couldn’t wait to get my joy back. I knew that all I had to do was ask and God would answer my need. But instead, I waited a while. I was afraid my memories of spending those few hours with Katelyn would grow more distant as time passes, and in doing so I lost sight of the big picture. But God brought me back to Him and once again graced me with the joy I needed to truly trust in Him. I remember reading this verse from Psalms and being comforted by the promise that He will hear me when I cry out to Him. “I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1
Whether we think we need it or not, we do need God’s grace every minute of every day. It is very easy to lose sight of that when everything in our lives is going exactly how we want it to. But when things go awry, we quickly realize that without God’s grace we would not be able to get through each of these seasons. Looking back to the months before Katelyn was born still, I admit that I lost sight of that. I wasn’t looking forward to Katelyn’s birth as a gift from God; rather I was looking forward to her birth since that was what I expected. I was expecting her to be born healthy, strong and beautiful. It never even crossed my mind that anything tragic would happen to her. I was expecting everything to work out as planned. We call it ‘expecting a child’ because that is exactly what mothers and fathers everywhere are doing. They are expecting a child. They are expecting the dream of becoming a parent to come true. They are not giving any thought to something happening outside of their expectations. So when a baby dies, it is common to go through a period of time where you feel completely lost. And for those of you like us who have no medical answers as to why your baby died, it is even more difficult to keep your thoughts on the path to healing. But it is even more difficult to grieve without joy, without knowing deep down that God is crying with you. So if you feel you have lost your joy, just say a simple prayer and ask God to make your heart fruitful again, to bring the joy of being with Him back into your heart. And He will…
When Katelyn was born without life, I was reminded of God’s comfort, of God’s compassion, of His presence with us everywhere we go. It also became clearer to me that there is a bigger picture. We might not be planners, but God is. Sometimes it is hard to believe that the same God who spoke the universe into being chose us to spread His word through Baby Angel Grace. Even though Katelyn had to be born in Heaven for God to fulfill His purpose for us, I am ever thankful for His grace and the pure joy in knowing she is in His arms and we will see her again.
I leave you with a verse that made me smile after I finished writing this post. I pray it does the same for you. “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” Psalm 119:50
A Loss Without a Loss
March 29, 2010 by Audreys · 6 Comments
When we first launched the Cradled in Heaven website in late 2008 after losing Katelyn Grace, our number one focus was on stillborn children. It was a loss we had never experienced before that August, and something we have prayed unceasingly to never have to experience again. We had no idea that God had a much larger purpose for Baby Angel Grace.
The need to deliver Katelyn Grace without life just 2 weeks before we had planned to bring her home safe and healthy was gut wrenching. It was hard to imagine any pain that could even compare to leaving her alone at the hospital until someone from the funeral home came to pick her up.
We were beside ourselves, to say the least. Not knowing anyone else who had to deliver a baby who had already passed made it even harder. I remember the following weeks and hearing stories about parents losing their babies shortly after the babies were conceived, and I just could not relate. In my mind they were in another “group” which made their loss seem less significant to me. God quickly started to change my heart though, and my first instinct to separate myself from people with other types of infant losses faded away. Over the next few months, we extended the posts to include stories and information about miscarriages. Early infant death came next, then most recently toddler losses.
There is another type of loss that never crossed my mind until it happened to me. First, I should give you a little background. God blessed us with a little boy named Blake, born in August of 2009. I remember struggling with my faith on and off during the entire time until I held him in my arms for the first time. I could not imagine, nor could I have emotionally survived another loss. Each and every day I look into his eyes and thank God for this precious gift he has given us. I still do, even with recent news that made me feel like I did when we were first told that Katelyn had died.
There were no complications with Blake’s birth, and yet following his birth, I have had 3 surgeries and was told last Monday that we cannot have any more children as a result of medical ‘mistakes’ made in the procedures. There will be no more losses, because as the medical community has told us, there will be no more chances for children.
As I write this post, I have to admit I have tears in my eyes; mostly because a choice to have more children has been taken away from my husband and me, but also because I never included this type of a ‘loss’ on the website. This is a loss without a loss. It is a loss of hope for children, a loss of a choice, a loss of what many people long for and never experience. Children change us and, as I have quickly noticed with Blake, soften our hearts.
I feel I need to apologize to all of the mothers and fathers who have received the same news my husband and I have. By not even mentioned this type of a ‘loss without a loss’ I have inadvertently excluded it from the losses we write about. For that, I am truly sorry.
It has been a week now since we received the news, and I am still struggling with it. At the same time though God keeps reminding me of the beautiful little boy I have at home. He has also brought to mind (as have several people) the story of Abraham and Sara. When Abraham thought all was lost, God promised him that he would have a son.
“But Abram said, “O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:2-5 (ESV)
What a promise! The only problem was that Abraham’s wife Sara did not believe God’s promise and decided to take matters into her own hands.
“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.” Genesis 16:1-4 (ESV)
Suffice it to say, God kept his promise. As we learn in Genesis 21:1
“The Lord visited Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did to Sarah as he had promised. And Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age at the time of which God had spoken to him.”
Even though I have not completely come to terms with this recent news, I now understand a little more about why it happened. Even though there is no ‘tangible’ loss when someone is told they cannot conceive, there really is ‘a loss without a loss’ to mourn. The good news? God is bigger and more powerful and more faithful and more everything and nothing at all is impossible with him. All we have to do is believe and trust in Him, and He will be with us every step of the way.
I am putting my faith and trust in the only true God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and believing in a miracle.
