A Stillborn Heart

October 31, 2010 by Audreys · 1 Comment 

There was a time recently when I looked back to the day Katelyn Grace died and felt numb inside. It started on August 15th; 2 years to the day from when Katelyn was born still. Without knowing it, my grieving of her changed and my own heart became stillborn. I lost my joy and started to withdraw from my quiet time with the Lord. This might sound elementary, but it is more damaging than you realize.  Believe me when I say that there is no worse feeling than when you lose your joy. Joy is pure, innocent delight and happiness. It is the feeling that you just want to start rejoicing for the utter beauty of what you feel. It is knowing you have a savior that loves you with an everlasting love.  The opposite is misery, sorrow, and utter despair. It is really grief without hope.  And it is not a feeling I ever want to experience again. 

I couldn’t wait to get my joy back. I knew that all I had to do was ask and God would answer my need. But instead, I waited a while. I was afraid my memories of spending those few hours with Katelyn would grow more distant as time passes, and in doing so I lost sight of the big picture.  But God brought me back to Him and once again graced me with the joy I needed to truly trust in Him.   I remember reading this verse from Psalms and being comforted by the promise that He will hear me when I cry out to Him.  “I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me.”Psalm 77:1

Whether we think we need it or not, we do need God’s grace every minute of every day.  It is very easy to lose sight of that when everything in our lives is going exactly how we want it to. But when things go awry, we quickly realize that without God’s grace we would not be able to get through each of these seasons. Looking back to the months before Katelyn was born still, I admit that I lost sight of that. I wasn’t looking forward to Katelyn’s birth as a gift from God; rather I was looking forward to her birth since that was what I expected. I was expecting her to be born healthy, strong and beautiful. It never even crossed my mind that anything tragic would happen to her. I was expecting everything to work out as planned.  We call it ‘expecting a child’ because that is exactly what mothers and fathers everywhere are doing.  They are expecting a child. They are expecting the dream of becoming a parent to come true. They are not giving any thought to something happening outside of their expectations.  So when a baby dies, it is common to go through a period of time where you feel completely lost. And for those of you like us who have no medical answers as to why your baby died, it is even more difficult to keep your thoughts on the path to healing. But it is even more difficult to grieve without joy, without knowing deep down that God is crying with you. So if you feel you have lost your joy, just say a simple prayer and ask God to make your heart fruitful again, to bring the joy of being with Him back into your heart. And He will…

When Katelyn was born without life, I was reminded of God’s comfort, of God’s compassion, of His presence with us everywhere we go. It also became clearer to me that there is a bigger picture. We might not be planners, but God is. Sometimes it is hard to believe that the same God who spoke the universe into being chose us to spread His word through Baby Angel Grace. Even though Katelyn had to be born in Heaven for God to fulfill His purpose for us, I am ever thankful for His grace and the pure joy in knowing she is in His arms and we will see her again.

I leave you with a verse that made me smile after I finished writing this post. I pray it does the same for you. “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” Psalm 119:50




Video Posts

July 27, 2010 by Audreys · 2 Comments 

Earlier this morning I decided to re-read the comments on YouTube for Katelyn’s video.  Wow.  All I can say is thank you for your thoughts, your prayers, and most importantly, for allowing Katelyn to touch your lives.  It is comforting to know that sharing our faith has impacted your hearts.  We rest in the knowledge that we will meet her in Heaven one day.  Here are some of the posts you wrote…



Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!


A beautiful little girl, Katelyn Grace. What a precious couple; I wanted to put my arms around you both, so I know that Jesus did just that. He’d have had to, by the grace with which you’ve shown through this time of sadness. You’ve taken encouragement by the fact that not only will you see Jesus face to face, Katelyn Grace will be there also. What a witness and testimony of your faith and trust in Jesus!! Bless you both and all that is in your care!!!


If you can believe, so can I. God bless.


This was just so beautiful. You put this together really nicely. We lost our baby girl Ava Madison Caldwell @ 37 1/2 weeks on April 9th 2009. It’s a tough thing to go through but knowing that your baby girl will open her eyes to the most beautiful place and to the Lord’s open arms is the most comforting thing. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this piece you put up.. It’s comforting. Thank you and God bless.


I truly feel for you, it has been two years and 3 months since my wife and I lost our perfect son I would like to say it gets easier and in some ways it may have but, not a day goes by I don’t think of him. he was 38 weeks, only 2 to go, went to a routine weekly check up and no heart beat, he was moving 2 hrs before that appointment. after delivering and an autopsy we were told everything was perfect his heart just stopped.
we have since had two more boys. my heart still hurts… i miss him…


Your daughter was beautiful. You are right with everything you said. God wanted her in Heaven for a reason! May your hearts heal and I know for sure you will all meet again!


What an amazing tribute to your beautiful daughter! I cried through the whole video. I read somewhere saying that, “We were so excited to tell you all about Jesus, but since we weren’t able to, Jesus can tell you all about us” RIP beautiful baby girl & happy birthday!!


Wow… very powerful i lost my baby to a miscarriage. and when you said that she didnt open her eyes on earth she opened her eyes in heaven…and saw Jesus… i started balling. i know my baby is resting and playin in heaven. thank you for that bit of comfort. BE BLESSED!


I am so thankful to have found your video. Our family is undergoing a very tough situation right now. The words of love and encouragement and faith touched me where I needed it most. I’ve cried out to my Heavenly Father for the first time in a very long time and I feel his perfect love surrounding me. Thank you guys for sharing so openly your innermost feelings and private moments with your beautiful baby.



I can’t say anything to help the pain and suffering you and many around you are going through, but I pray that things get better for you, your family, and the rest of the world. Have a great life and let it be one to remember.


Beautiful video… Beautiful Katelyn.


she is a beautiful little girl it’s such a shame she couldn’t meet mommy and daddy

god bless u princess


Katelyn Grace. Wow, she is so beautiful. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I loss my little girl Esther Grace 27/06/07. They share a beautiful name and a beautiful home in Jesus arms.

Such a beautiful little angel xxx


What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!

What a glorious testimony to our Lord and Savior!!!! There is NO greater evidence that Yeshua is alive in you!

Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Her life is not in vain. I will NEVER forget her nor will I forget your faithfulness. Glory to God in the Highest!!!

She was soo beautiful, an angel in heaven…too beautiful for this earth.


this is a beautiful tribute


I am hoping to train as a midwife this year, this video let me view still birth in a different light, a better light. what a beautiful baby girl. i know ye will meet your precious daughter in the kingdom of god. thank you for sharing this video .


This is a beautiful tribute to your beautiful daughter Katelyn.. And your faith is inspiring. I lost a baby girl at 18 weeks gestation and my faith has been stronger than ever since then. Thank you for allowing others to see this beautiful tribute to your precious angel and for sharing your faith


so sorry for you loss! Katelyn is a beauty!


What a beautiful tribute to your baby girl. You will see her again someday.


This video is very breathtaking. I have never felt your pain before but you will meet her again someday! She’s waiting there in her beauty.  Very pretty.  God bless your family.


your daughter was beautiful i lost my son when i was 39 weeks they must be playing in heaven with the angels


Today is my baby’s birthday March 5th 2002, i was 39 weeks and my baby was stillborn, Gavin, they are with Jesus and we have something to look forward to after this life. God Bless you and your family


Oh my God that is so sad! I am deeply sorry for your loss! This video has really opened my eyes to the cruel world out there!


This is beautiful. You have amazing strength! And a beautiful daughter. Thank you


As an angel wrote down the day she was born, she quietly whispered, too beautiful for earth.

You have such a beautiful daughter. This video brought tears to my eyes.


God bless you, your child was born on my birthday. My daughter was born still birth at 38 weeks i am gutted… why?? x x x


why are these precious little babies not able to survive birth, you must be so brave and you have all my respect to have dealt with the death of your beautiful angel.


Sorry to hear that. Losing a baby must hurt sorry once again


I am so sorry for your loss.


she was so beautiful.
an angel wrote her name in the book of life and whispered too beautiful for earth.

it helps when I’m thinking of him…
Good luck in life and in the future..
May god bless you with more children like he has with us…


Wow…..I was crying for 8 minutes and 10 seconds Katelyn’s video was playing…I’m so happy you still found love and faith to give to the Lord even after something so tragic like that happened to in your life… I would say sorry but I know you know she’s in a better place, but I will say I’m not proud that you had to feel the pain first hand of losing a precious child…I have two of my own and I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain of losing any of them…Great respect to you and your family!


God bless and I saw your web site congrats too you and your family for having a new son. I do believe Jesus and Gracie came to you and will always be with you ! bless you oxoxoxo


This is a beautiful tribute to your precious little angel xxx. I’m so sorry for your loss.  I’m sure your little angel is playing up in heaven with all the other lost little angels, including mine xxx


I am so sorry for your loss. There are some that have earned their passage beyond this earth. How lucky she is never to see war or genocide….how lucky it is to be born angelic. There a great things that await the two of you…stay in love….peace.


I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. everything happens for a reason & your baby is waiting in heaven watching over you& waiting!! good things come to those who wait…


This is a beautiful video! I lost my 1st at 4months old and 8 months later I lost my 2nd. My 2nd girl was also stillborn. May God continue to strengthen and heal your soul. God Bless!


Love your video, broke my heart all over again. I lost my precious son at 36 weeks….only parents who have been through this can truly understand each other. God bless you and thanks for your video.


I am sincerely sorry for your loss, however i do not understand how you can hold a lifeless baby. your video is so beautiful, and made me cry,….


It’s different when the lifeless child you hold is your own. You carried that child& felt it grow &kick inside of you. all the emotions you feel when a baby is born healthy ..you are in shock..but when your child is born deceased, emotions are added.  You just can’t believe the baby you’ve been waiting to meet is gone. They have to say goodbye &grieve…


Katelyn is beautiful!! God Bless you!!!


Beautiful tribute video, we may not understand now but someday we will. She was beautiful. We lost our first grand daughter this way, she would have been seven on August 28th. I now have three other grand children but the first always has their own place in the heart. God bless you!


Beautiful. I lost my baby boy, Preston Cash May 16th 09, I was 34 weeks along. I feel your pain, I really do. Thank you for sharing. God bless you.


Wow she is beautiful I cried my eyes out I now thank God even more that my son was born alive I couldn’t imagine the pain of letting go my blessing toward both of you and baby K!!!


What a beautiful baby girl.


She’s so gorgeous xx


Katelyn is waiting in heaven for you both xx


Katelyn Grace is gorgeous


wow that’s so sad! must of been so hard to let a perfect little girl go. made me cry.
so sorry for your loss… I have a stillborn babygirl too, like yours, no reason was found…our only baby…I feel tears will fall forever..


beautiful angel was born on my Son’s birthday, but he passed away 15 months ago, he was killed in a hunting accident. age 18….


What a beautiful baby girl. I know Heaven is a better place with such a beautiful angel there. I only hope my sweet angel Ethan is with her and smiling with her.


You are blessed to have held her. I only wish I had been awarded that chance. But the most important thing for me to remember is this: He is an angel and no one can hold an angel to earth. They must be in heaven for it is their home. And each day that passes, I smile because I know when I meet him again, my angel will be in my arms always.
And I am very happy to know that he has a beautiful little girl to be with him in heaven. Blessings upon you and your husband. *hugs*


What a perfect and gorgeous Baby Girl, my prayers are with you.


Absolutely beautiful video i love you guys.

Mother’s Day

May 10, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

Just thinking about Mother’s Day brought some sadness with it because Katelyn was not here to spend the day with us.  At the same time I felt some joy in my heart because I was given the gift to become a Mom.  Sure we lost Katelyn, but we had the joy of meeting her, and were given the promise from our Father in Heaven that we will see her again. 

Never forget that you became a Mother when you first found out you were having a baby. 

Never forget that you became a Mom when you shed your first tear in excitement as you watched your baby move on an ultrasound, or heard his heartbeat.

No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, you are a mother and a mom and you will always be.

So I pray that all Mothers whose babies were born in Heaven have a wonderful Mother’s Day.  I pray that when people ask you if you have children, that you respond similarly to how I have (based on your situation).  “Yes, I have a daughter, but she did not make it home from the hospital.”  I will always be a Mom, so will you.


Katelyn was stillborn but she was Still Born.  Whether your babies were considered a miscarriage, stillborn, or went to Heaven soon after birth, they are all precious in Jesus’ sight.  They were all Still Born.  Never forget that.   

A Mother’s Memories

April 30, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

My husband and I often wonder how different losing Katelyn would have been if we were given the chance to make memories with her.   

I remember the first time I heard Scott mention that we don’t have any memories of Katelyn.  

In many respects that is true.  We never saw her open her eyes nor did we ever hear her laugh.  We never felt her arms wrap around us for comfort or smile as she looked our way.  Later that night, though, I started to think about the special moments that I was able to experience with Katelyn as I carried her that a father would never fully understand.

I remember nearly a year ago when Scott and I went dolphin watching.  No matter how hard our guide whistled for dolphins, or tried to get near them, they were always at a distance.  I had learned shortly before our trip that dolphins can sense babies and if a pregnant mother goes into the water, they often surround her.  Suffice it to say, I stayed out of the water, but as I leaned over the front of the boat a little bit dolphins started coming from all directions.  It was amazing.  They swam on both sides and came very close to the front of the boat, lifting their heads out of the water.   I can’t even describe how incredible that felt.  What an awesome God we have that created these beautiful animals with the ability to sense someone that they could not see!   


I also remember the many nights when Scott would read stories from Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh, and The Bible to Katelyn and I at night.  I would feel her jump around at the sound of his voice.  He was able to feel it from the outside, but I can only imagine how different that must have felt compared to what I felt from the inside.  She loved his voice, and no doubt would have been Daddy’s little girl.    


Out of the numerous memories I have of Katelyn Grace, there is one that I will cherish forever in my heart.  On February 21, 2008, Scott and I went to the doctor’s for our first ultrasound appointment together.  Just looking at his face as he leaned forward to watch Katelyn move around and seeing a tear make it’s way down his cheek made me realize that I would never love anyone else in my life as much as I love my husband.  In my heart I know that even though Katelyn never ‘physically’ spent a day with us, she brought us closer together than we could have become on our own.   In my mind, she was brought to us for a reason, and now I must rest in the peace that she is making all kinds of memories in Heaven that she can share with us when Scott and I meet her there one day.


I can’t stress enough that though she was stillborn, she was Still Born.





Getting Through A Loss, Not Over One

March 28, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

There are so many cliches out there like “This too shall pass”, “Time heals all wounds”, etc. etc.  I could probably list about a dozen or so but I won’t.  Trust me, when you are going through a loss, simple words of advice offer little comfort. Some people will say ‘you will get through this’.  And they are right, you will.  Others, however, will say, ‘you will get over it’ and will expect you to ‘return to normal’ rather quickly.  My friends, these people are incorrect.  First, there is no returning to the ‘normal’ you were before; second, you will never truly get over your loss.  Your grief for your baby will forever be in your hearts.  It might not be as intense, but it will always be there. Why? Simply put, our hearts will never ever stop loving those who have gone on before us. 

There are some weeks when I feel like every day since we lost Katelyn has brought with it another learning experience.  It is amazing how reactions from other people have had such an impact on us.  We could have written a book on all of the different ways people treated us after Katelyn died, including the words that comforted and those that didn’t.  Some friends and family chose avoidance, others compassion, others were there with us every step of the way, and still others brushed us off like we were making a big deal out of something that was not that important at all.  Following a loss like ours, it quickly becomes very apparent who truly, completely and without a doubt has Christ’s love in their hearts.  This love shone and continues to shine above all others.  What surprised us the most was the reaction from some close friends and family who claim to love the Lord with their whole being, and yet were part of the avoidance group and still remain there.  

I have to admit, there were times when I was not always that shoulder that someone needed to cry on, or that available listener in the middle of the night.  Since we lost Katelyn, though, I look at these situations differently.  I am also more cognizant of the fact that sometimes when people are flat out mean and hurtful, there could be something they are experiencing that is causing their behavior.  The main reason is because there is no way for me to tell at face value what trials a person is going through, has already experienced, or is about to experience.  Maybe they are not even going through a trial at all. Maybe they are just miserable with life and feel better when they make everyone else feel as miserable as they do.  No matter the reason, I now fully understand that nothing I can say or do will change that person’s heart.  Only God can. 

I remember a few weeks after Katelyn died and going back to work and feeling the pity around me and the sadness.  My wound was still fresh so I was emotionally not ‘all together’ as you might say.  I shared my story with a select few individuals at first, and then to more as time went on.  I remember vividly that there were some people who (though they did not voice this) thought I was loony or something because my faith in Jesus had grown stronger.  I was gathering all my strength from Him.  To be completely honest, I don’t think Scott or I would have been able to get through losing our baby if it wasn’t for the strength and hope we receive from Jesus. 

A few weeks after going back to work I was literally torn to pieces during a conference call with a colleague in the company.  Since this incident happened so soon after losing Katelyn, my emotions were still very raw and close to the surface.  Rather than lashing out at this person, I used my new defense mechanism; I cried.  There were at least 10 or so people on the phone who sat on the other side of the phone silent during the whole exchange.  I received multiple instant messages from others on the phone telling me “You’re doing fine”, or “Don’t worry about it, you’re doing a good job”, etc.  Not one of them spoke up though; they were all too afraid to stand up to this person.  Was the verbal lashing I received valid?  Honestly, no.  But at that time I did not have the strength to fight back.  Professionally, I had poured myself into my work as much as I could, but emotionally I was worn down.  Why am I telling you this story? Because once you experience the loss of a baby like we did, other things that were once top priorities fall more towards the middle.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a very passionate person and still pour myself into everything that I do, but there are some things that are not as important as they once were.  The main thing I have learned is that I cannot get through this or any other less than positive experience on my own.  I need Jesus.

Back to the whole premise of this post; I am getting through this loss, but will never fully get over it.  And that is okay.  Getting over it to me is like forgetting about Katelyn all together. That will never happen.

There is no way I could even list all of the general and specific knowledge we have gained about people, about grief, about loss, about hope, about healing, about listening, about resting, about trusting in God, and just about getting through. I do know one thing for sure, for true healing we need to give it all to God; all our fears, our sadness, our grief.  Only He can truly give us rest and heal our hearts.  There will always be days when we break down and feel lost with our grief, but that only makes us human.  It is on these occasions that we need to pray for Jesus to carry us through.  If on these days you sometimes don’t know exactly how to ask Jesus to help you through, meditate on the words in Psalm 71:1-3:

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
   let me never be put to shame!
In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
   incline your ear to me, and save me!
Be to me a rock of refuge,
   to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
   for you are my rock and my fortress.

Never fear. God will never leave you or forsake you. Hold that promise close to your heart knowing that He is cradling your baby in Heaven.














Pray For Those Left Behind

March 21, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

After Katelyn went to Heaven, we received many cards and letters from family members, friends, church members, pastors and even people we barely knew.  Just simply knowing that so many people had us in their prayers made each day a little easier.  We could never have endured our loss without the prayerful support of those close to us.

We also received more than a few cards from people with notices that money was donated so that Katelyn would be part of a Mass or a Service conducted to pray for the dead.  There are many groups and churches that claim to be Bible-based and Christian, but I can say with true certainty that Katelyn doesn’t need our prayers, and neither do any of the other babies who were born without life.  They are with Jesus, so what prayers could they possibly need?

Growing up in a strict Catholic church and school, I remember days when as a class we would pray for our loved ones who had passed since they were supposedly in a place called Purgatory.  We were taught that when people die, they go to this place and are basically there waiting for enough people to ‘pray’ for them so that they can gain passage into Heaven.  So what about the people who choose Jesus and yet have no family or loved ones to pray for them?  Do they just stay in limbo for all of eternity?  Absolutely not. Why? The answer can be found in the Bible.  Simply put, there is no mention of ‘Purgatory’ in the Bible.  Jesus never taught about a place such as this.  He did not offer us the gift of eternal life with the stipulation that we would only see Him if enough people ‘prayed us in’.  We either choose Jesus and follow Him, or we don’t.  There is no gray area.  If you need confirmation, read John 3:16: “For God so Loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Jesus died for our sins so that we could be forgiven if only we ask this of Him and repent.  Again, we have a choice – choose Jesus or choose the world. Period. 

Have faith that our babies are with our Heavenly Father.  It is only through God’s grace that we have the choice to follow Jesus and live for Him, knowing that we will see Him one day and our babies too.

 So, though we appreciate the gestures of these kind souls, we want them and everyone else to know the truth.  Heaven is the only place these babies ever knew or will ever know.  They are with our Heavenly Father.  So do they need our prayers? Absolutely not.  Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 18:3 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.”  

So who needs prayer? The families of these babies.  They are the ones feeling the loss.  Their babies were Still Born, just in Heaven, not on earth.   

We Grieve for Ourselves

February 24, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

I looked outside my window today and tears came to my eyes.  The sun was bright as it reflected off the mounds of snow in the yard.  Though it is not here yet, Spring is coming soon.  My first thought was ‘here comes another season without Katelyn’.  She would have been 6 months old now; old enough for first words, long stroller walks along the beach, and high-pitched giggles as I would lean down so her feet could touch the lake water.  I longed for that more than anything when I saw other parents with their babies at the beach last Spring and Summer.  What we have instead is a tree by the beach dedicated to Katelyn Grace. 

In my heart I know Katelyn is in Heaven with Jesus, but my mother’s heart longs to see her.  I know my husband and I will be reunited with her one day, and that gives us more peace than anything else in this world.  Paul states it perfectly in his letter to the church in Thessalonica.  In 2 Thessalonians 4:13-14 he wrote “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep..

We have that hope, therefore although we grieve, we grieve for ourselves.  We don’t grieve for Katelyn because she is already in the place where we want to be when our lives come to an end on this earth; we grieve for ourselves because we miss her.  We do know we will see her again and that hope alone is sufficient. 

It’s times like these when I wonder about the mothers and fathers who lost their babies and yet have no hope.  I can’t even imagine what they must be thinking or feeling.  Without hope, what do they have to comfort them? Without knowing  that Jesus will reunite them one day if they follow in His ways and believe in Him,  what else is there?

So to all of you who are reading this and do not have that hope, and are suffering through your loss on your own, I want you to know that it is not too late.  Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  Our hope is that you will come to Jesus for the peace and comfort that only He can offer.   

We don’t have all the answers, but we have the truth, and the hope that comes with it.  It would be an honor to share what Jesus has done in our lives with anyone who does not have that hope yet.  We pray that you will find it in Jesus.  And if you cannot seem to find Him on your own, let us know and we will lead you to Him.

Jesus is smiling as He holds our babies right now.  Always remember, they were stillborn, but they were STILL BORN.


King David’s Baby

February 9, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

“David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”” 2 Samuel 12:16-23

This portion of scripture begs the question, why didn’t God save David’s baby?  After all, he pleaded with God, he fasted, he spent 6 days praying for God to change His mind and save his son.  These verses were preceded by David’s affair with Bathsheba, a married woman, and his successful plot to kill her husband so he could have her as his own.  God was well aware of David’s sin, and Nathan the prophet was sent to tell David that his son would die.  God’s punishment for David’s sin was the loss of his son. 

For days David called out to the Lord for His mercy, and was inconsolable until the baby died.  Once the baby died, David’s grief-stricken heart seemed to be at peace. It is hard to comprehend until you read the last verse when David verbalizes what he believes to be true. “Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me” 

David realized that the child’s suffering was over, and that his son was now in Heaven with his Heavenly Father.  David did not turn his back on God for this loss, rather he accepted his ‘discipline’, confident that he will see his son again.  David knew that there was nothing that he could do to convince God to bring his son back to him, so rather than continuing to grieve, he showed his inner peace by those simple words. “I shall go to him…”

If there is any verse that you keep close to your heart when you go through the hard days, deeply mourning the loss of your child, be comforted by the knowledge that through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, you can and will see your baby again. 

You might be asking, does that mean that God took away my baby because of my sin? The answer is absolutely not.  Even as Christians we might struggle with that possibility and start blaming ourselves.  No matter whether or not we find out what caused our baby to die, we often shift blame to ourselves.  It is important to tell yourself over and over again that it is not your fault; that your loss was not a judgment from God for your sins; that God did not cause your baby to die. 

David knew he would pay the price of his son in atonement for his sins.  But that was before Jesus came to live among us.  Jesus Christ came here to save us and ultimately died for our sins. Jesus bridged the gap between God and man. Once we confess our sins to our Father and repent, He is faithful and just to forgive us.   So, if you are trying to find a reason, or a sin that God is punishing you for, wipe that thought from your mind.  Instead, pray for peace and God’s mighty strength to get you though this trial, not around it.  

Always remember, our babies were stillborn, but they were Still Born.




February 1, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
   “therefore I will hope in him.”

 The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
   to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 22-26

When Jeremiah was writing this poetic book, he was feeling a bit alienated by God.  He was grieving the loss of Jerusalem to the Babylonians.  The destruction of Jerusalem was the result of God’s judgment for the Israelites’ sin.  Jeremiah knows this.  It was not Jeremiah’s sin that caused the resulting judgment on Jerusalem.  He felt this loss very personally though.  Even as he grieved, He called out to God.  He knew that God is a God of grace and able to restore anything or anyone. 

In our situation, we were at first feeling a bit alienated by God as well.  Our grief for the loss of our daughter was overwhelming.  Our own personal sin did not cause Katelyn to die.  This was not an act of judgment by God.  We know that.  But we also know that we live in a sinful world and the loss of a stillborn baby with no medical explanation is due to an imperfect world.  Although that is very hard to accept, we have prayed and received peace from God that we don’t need to know the answer.  Knowing she is in Heaven with Him is enough. 

Jeremiah’s strong faith through his experience has taught us that even though we have lost our daughter, it is only temporary; Scott and I will one day see her again.  Meeting Katelyn with Jesus is our prayer, and through the saving blood of Jesus Christ we know we will. 

We have also learned that waiting on the Lord is vital to keeping our hope alive.  We will be restored as a family in Heaven one day.  Until then, we trust completely in Him.  What a great example of waiting and trusting in the Lord that Jeremiah is.  It is an example that we try to follow. 

God is the light in the midst of the darkness, and our hope is in Him! 


Time spent with Katelyn - Video

January 23, 2009 by Audreys · 1 Comment 

Next Page »