A Loss is a Loss

March 16, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment 

I finally made it to the point where I was beginning to heal enough so that I could talk about Katelyn without crying and bring her up in ordinary conversation with a smile on my face.  I would try to imagine how much fun she was having with all of the other babies that were born in Heaven, and try to imagine how Jesus was holding each of them at once.  I was healing.  But yesterday morning, for the first time in a long time, a wave of grief hit me so unexpectedly that I was unable to cope with it on my own.

Yesterday marked 7 months since Katelyn went to Heaven to meet Jesus.  To be completely honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to the dates until it hit me right in the middle of a church service yesterday morning.  It was a family-centered service where the children who normally went off to classes stayed with their parents for the service. Surrounded by children, and watching some of them run up to the stage to volunteer to sing in a special ‘volunteer choir’ and listening as they sang their hearts out brought tears to my eyes.

Toward the end of the service, there were a few guests who spoke about adoption and how God placed a desire on their hearts to adopt one or more special needs children.  The one couple spoke of a very early miscarriage (after just a few weeks) and how devastating that was for them.  I then thought to myself, how can a loss that early on be nearly as devastating as losing a child who is within days of being born. I admit I was ashamed at my thoughts, because a loss is a loss, but I have trouble relating their situation to ours since we were within days of holding our newborn baby girl and then her little heart stopped for no medical reason at all.

I just sat for the remainder of the service weeping.  I was emotionally spent and feeling very guilty about my thoughts about the other couples’ loss.  I took one look at Katelyn’s picture that was in my Bible and tears started to stream down my face.  I honestly could not have stopped them on my own.  Sometimes people may say I am too sensitive and emotional, but I would rather be able to show my emotions than keep them to myself.

So what helped? Praying for God to forgive me for my thoughts and asking one of the pastors at Harvest to pray for Scott and me.  I felt as if we just lost Katelyn yesterday; the sadness was that overpowering.  After he prayed with us, I felt completely covered with such a peace that I can’t even describe it.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because even though Scott and I launched this website to help other parents of stillborn babies, we still struggle ourselves.  After all, we are only human.  Our strength comes from the Lord.  The only way we will get through this is through Him.  He loves us so much, and holding on to His promises keeps us going every day.   

So, for those parents who have suffered early miscarriages, late miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant death, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He was there with open arms when our babies took their last breaths.  And I learned a valuable lesson yesterday; no matter when our babies died, we all suffered, and one loss is not greater than another.  Know that my prayers are with you, even though we have never met.