Mother’s Day
May 10, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Just thinking about Mother’s Day brought some sadness with it because Katelyn was not here to spend the day with us. At the same time I felt some joy in my heart because I was given the gift to become a Mom. Sure we lost Katelyn, but we had the joy of meeting her, and were given the promise from our Father in Heaven that we will see her again.
Never forget that you became a Mother when you first found out you were having a baby.
Never forget that you became a Mom when you shed your first tear in excitement as you watched your baby move on an ultrasound, or heard his heartbeat.
No matter what anyone tells you to the contrary, you are a mother and a mom and you will always be.
So I pray that all Mothers whose babies were born in Heaven have a wonderful Mother’s Day. I pray that when people ask you if you have children, that you respond similarly to how I have (based on your situation). “Yes, I have a daughter, but she did not make it home from the hospital.” I will always be a Mom, so will you.
Katelyn was stillborn but she was Still Born. Whether your babies were considered a miscarriage, stillborn, or went to Heaven soon after birth, they are all precious in Jesus’ sight. They were all Still Born. Never forget that.
A Mother’s Memories
April 30, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
My husband and I often wonder how different losing Katelyn would have been if we were given the chance to make memories with her.
I remember the first time I heard Scott mention that we don’t have any memories of Katelyn.
In many respects that is true. We never saw her open her eyes nor did we ever hear her laugh. We never felt her arms wrap around us for comfort or smile as she looked our way. Later that night, though, I started to think about the special moments that I was able to experience with Katelyn as I carried her that a father would never fully understand.
I remember nearly a year ago when Scott and I went dolphin watching. No matter how hard our guide whistled for dolphins, or tried to get near them, they were always at a distance. I had learned shortly before our trip that dolphins can sense babies and if a pregnant mother goes into the water, they often surround her. Suffice it to say, I stayed out of the water, but as I leaned over the front of the boat a little bit dolphins started coming from all directions. It was amazing. They swam on both sides and came very close to the front of the boat, lifting their heads out of the water. I can’t even describe how incredible that felt. What an awesome God we have that created these beautiful animals with the ability to sense someone that they could not see!
I also remember the many nights when Scott would read stories from Dr. Seuss, Winnie the Pooh, and The Bible to Katelyn and I at night. I would feel her jump around at the sound of his voice. He was able to feel it from the outside, but I can only imagine how different that must have felt compared to what I felt from the inside. She loved his voice, and no doubt would have been Daddy’s little girl.
I can’t stress enough that though she was stillborn, she was Still Born.
A Father’s Pain
April 11, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
As I reflect on the crucifixion of Jesus years ago, I wonder how God must have felt when He offered His Son to die as payment for our sins. Indescribable is the only answer I can come up with. First because we do not have the capacity to even imagine how God works, and second because we have not experienced what He has. We lost our daughter Katelyn, and that was the most painful thing that Scott and I have ever experienced. I can’t even imagine what it would have been like if she suffered first. We can rest in the comfort, though, that she never felt pain. She opened her eyes for the first time and saw Jesus.
I have heard many people ask “How could such a Holy God stay silent as His Son was brutally tortured, shamed, beaten, and killed?” Because He knew it was the only way the relationship would be restored between Him and all of humanity. Sin separated us from God, but through the blood of Jesus Christ, we are offered the gift of eternal life.
John 3:16 tells it all. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
If it was not for Jesus offering His life as atonement for our sins, we would not ever be able to be restored to our Father in Heaven. “And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil 2:8
Every time I think of how brutally Jesus was tortured and killed, though He was (and is) pure amd innocent in spirit, tears well up in my eyes. These tears are of shame for my sin that He bore on the cross, and tears of joy that I have been forgiven. I would be nothing without Him.
This unconditional love of our Father is such an amazing blessing. More and more each day I want to be more like Jesus. I trust that He has Katelyn safe in His arms, and I no longer need to need to know why Katelyn went straight to Heaven to be cradled by Jesus, rather than growing up with Scott and me. I rest in the peace that He is in control of our lives, and we need to trust in Him.
I recently found a verse that I now hold close to my heart as we remember Jesus’ resurrection on Easter.
“…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2
If it was not for Jesus’ sacrifice, we would never see our precious Katelyn again. Through Him, we know that we will. Crying out to Jesus for his comfort, thanking Him for each and every breath we take, and letting others know how much He has changed our lives and continues to work in us is our one desire. Call to Him and He will give you rest.
Praise be to our God. Thank you Jesus for the cross.
A Loss is a Loss
March 16, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I finally made it to the point where I was beginning to heal enough so that I could talk about Katelyn without crying and bring her up in ordinary conversation with a smile on my face. I would try to imagine how much fun she was having with all of the other babies that were born in Heaven, and try to imagine how Jesus was holding each of them at once. I was healing. But yesterday morning, for the first time in a long time, a wave of grief hit me so unexpectedly that I was unable to cope with it on my own.
Yesterday marked 7 months since Katelyn went to Heaven to meet Jesus. To be completely honest, I wasn’t paying much attention to the dates until it hit me right in the middle of a church service yesterday morning. It was a family-centered service where the children who normally went off to classes stayed with their parents for the service. Surrounded by children, and watching some of them run up to the stage to volunteer to sing in a special ‘volunteer choir’ and listening as they sang their hearts out brought tears to my eyes.
Toward the end of the service, there were a few guests who spoke about adoption and how God placed a desire on their hearts to adopt one or more special needs children. The one couple spoke of a very early miscarriage (after just a few weeks) and how devastating that was for them. I then thought to myself, how can a loss that early on be nearly as devastating as losing a child who is within days of being born. I admit I was ashamed at my thoughts, because a loss is a loss, but I have trouble relating their situation to ours since we were within days of holding our newborn baby girl and then her little heart stopped for no medical reason at all.
I just sat for the remainder of the service weeping. I was emotionally spent and feeling very guilty about my thoughts about the other couples’ loss. I took one look at Katelyn’s picture that was in my Bible and tears started to stream down my face. I honestly could not have stopped them on my own. Sometimes people may say I am too sensitive and emotional, but I would rather be able to show my emotions than keep them to myself.
So what helped? Praying for God to forgive me for my thoughts and asking one of the pastors at Harvest to pray for Scott and me. I felt as if we just lost Katelyn yesterday; the sadness was that overpowering. After he prayed with us, I felt completely covered with such a peace that I can’t even describe it.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because even though Scott and I launched this website to help other parents of stillborn babies, we still struggle ourselves. After all, we are only human. Our strength comes from the Lord. The only way we will get through this is through Him. He loves us so much, and holding on to His promises keeps us going every day.
So, for those parents who have suffered early miscarriages, late miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant death, I want you to know that God loves you so much that He was there with open arms when our babies took their last breaths. And I learned a valuable lesson yesterday; no matter when our babies died, we all suffered, and one loss is not greater than another. Know that my prayers are with you, even though we have never met.
We Grieve for Ourselves
February 24, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
I looked outside my window today and tears came to my eyes. The sun was bright as it reflected off the mounds of snow in the yard. Though it is not here yet, Spring is coming soon. My first thought was ‘here comes another season without Katelyn’. She would have been 6 months old now; old enough for first words, long stroller walks along the beach, and high-pitched giggles as I would lean down so her feet could touch the lake water. I longed for that more than anything when I saw other parents with their babies at the beach last Spring and Summer. What we have instead is a tree by the beach dedicated to Katelyn Grace.
In my heart I know Katelyn is in Heaven with Jesus, but my mother’s heart longs to see her. I know my husband and I will be reunited with her one day, and that gives us more peace than anything else in this world. Paul states it perfectly in his letter to the church in Thessalonica. In 2 Thessalonians 4:13-14 he wrote “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep..”
We have that hope, therefore although we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. We don’t grieve for Katelyn because she is already in the place where we want to be when our lives come to an end on this earth; we grieve for ourselves because we miss her. We do know we will see her again and that hope alone is sufficient.
It’s times like these when I wonder about the mothers and fathers who lost their babies and yet have no hope. I can’t even imagine what they must be thinking or feeling. Without hope, what do they have to comfort them? Without knowing that Jesus will reunite them one day if they follow in His ways and believe in Him, what else is there?
So to all of you who are reading this and do not have that hope, and are suffering through your loss on your own, I want you to know that it is not too late. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Our hope is that you will come to Jesus for the peace and comfort that only He can offer.
We don’t have all the answers, but we have the truth, and the hope that comes with it. It would be an honor to share what Jesus has done in our lives with anyone who does not have that hope yet. We pray that you will find it in Jesus. And if you cannot seem to find Him on your own, let us know and we will lead you to Him.
Jesus is smiling as He holds our babies right now. Always remember, they were stillborn, but they were STILL BORN.
King David’s Baby
February 9, 2009 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
“David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”” 2 Samuel 12:16-23
This portion of scripture begs the question, why didn’t God save David’s baby? After all, he pleaded with God, he fasted, he spent 6 days praying for God to change His mind and save his son. These verses were preceded by David’s affair with Bathsheba, a married woman, and his successful plot to kill her husband so he could have her as his own. God was well aware of David’s sin, and Nathan the prophet was sent to tell David that his son would die. God’s punishment for David’s sin was the loss of his son.
For days David called out to the Lord for His mercy, and was inconsolable until the baby died. Once the baby died, David’s grief-stricken heart seemed to be at peace. It is hard to comprehend until you read the last verse when David verbalizes what he believes to be true. “Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me”
David realized that the child’s suffering was over, and that his son was now in Heaven with his Heavenly Father. David did not turn his back on God for this loss, rather he accepted his ‘discipline’, confident that he will see his son again. David knew that there was nothing that he could do to convince God to bring his son back to him, so rather than continuing to grieve, he showed his inner peace by those simple words. “I shall go to him…”
If there is any verse that you keep close to your heart when you go through the hard days, deeply mourning the loss of your child, be comforted by the knowledge that through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, you can and will see your baby again.
You might be asking, does that mean that God took away my baby because of my sin? The answer is absolutely not. Even as Christians we might struggle with that possibility and start blaming ourselves. No matter whether or not we find out what caused our baby to die, we often shift blame to ourselves. It is important to tell yourself over and over again that it is not your fault; that your loss was not a judgment from God for your sins; that God did not cause your baby to die.
David knew he would pay the price of his son in atonement for his sins. But that was before Jesus came to live among us. Jesus Christ came here to save us and ultimately died for our sins. Jesus bridged the gap between God and man. Once we confess our sins to our Father and repent, He is faithful and just to forgive us. So, if you are trying to find a reason, or a sin that God is punishing you for, wipe that thought from your mind. Instead, pray for peace and God’s mighty strength to get you though this trial, not around it.
Always remember, our babies were stillborn, but they were Still Born.
Lamentations
February 1, 2009 by Audreys · 2 Comments
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 22-26
When Jeremiah was writing this poetic book, he was feeling a bit alienated by God. He was grieving the loss of Jerusalem to the Babylonians. The destruction of Jerusalem was the result of God’s judgment for the Israelites’ sin. Jeremiah knows this. It was not Jeremiah’s sin that caused the resulting judgment on Jerusalem. He felt this loss very personally though. Even as he grieved, He called out to God. He knew that God is a God of grace and able to restore anything or anyone.
In our situation, we were at first feeling a bit alienated by God as well. Our grief for the loss of our daughter was overwhelming. Our own personal sin did not cause Katelyn to die. This was not an act of judgment by God. We know that. But we also know that we live in a sinful world and the loss of a stillborn baby with no medical explanation is due to an imperfect world. Although that is very hard to accept, we have prayed and received peace from God that we don’t need to know the answer. Knowing she is in Heaven with Him is enough.
Jeremiah’s strong faith through his experience has taught us that even though we have lost our daughter, it is only temporary; Scott and I will one day see her again. Meeting Katelyn with Jesus is our prayer, and through the saving blood of Jesus Christ we know we will.
We have also learned that waiting on the Lord is vital to keeping our hope alive. We will be restored as a family in Heaven one day. Until then, we trust completely in Him. What a great example of waiting and trusting in the Lord that Jeremiah is. It is an example that we try to follow.
God is the light in the midst of the darkness, and our hope is in Him!
Time spent with Katelyn - Video
January 23, 2009 by Audreys · 1 Comment
Starting 2009 with God’s grace
December 31, 2008 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Tonight we will be going to sleep to wake up to the New Year. It is with both tears of joy and tears of sadness that I look back upon 2008. There were so many victories, yet so many trials; so much laughter, yet so many tears. But you know what? I made it through everything thanks to Jesus. I was never alone. He steadied me when I was so grief-stricken that I couldn’t stand on my own; he comforted me during those first minutes, hours, days and months without Katelyn. I can honestly say without a doubt that I could not have made it without Him.
All within a year and a half, I changed jobs, bought a new car, moved residences, got married, went on a honeymoon, bought a new house, moved again, and just when things started to calm down, I gave birth to my daughter already knowing that her heart stopped beating and she would be stillborn. Things slowed down quite a bit after that.
If I have learned anything through this, it is that things that once seemed important really aren’t that important anymore. Situations, tragic or otherwise, make us stop and re-evaluate our priorities. I realized that there were times when I put other people and things before God even if each time was unintentional. I am now more in tune with making sure God is number one in my life always, because when you think about it, without Him there is no hope, there is no salvation, there is no peace. So do I have all my priorities in order? Absolutely not, but I am working on it. And through the grace of God, I will.
What will the New Year bring? Only God knows for sure. But there is one thing I am certain of, and that is that there will be more joy in my life than in 2008. Not because of circumstances alone, but because God has shown me that through Him I will have peace, joy and love that is just overflowing.
My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed. Psalm 71:23
By God’s Grace…we are able to celebrate Christmas without Katelyn
December 22, 2008 by Audreys · Leave a Comment
Christmas is a time to be joyful, to spend time with your family, to tuck your children in at night while you read the story of Jesus’ birth to them and shadows from the Christmas lights dance along the walls. It is not a time for sorrow, it is a time to celebrate the gift of God’s son born that night so many years ago. So, how are we coping, when our plans for spending our first Christmas with Katelyn have been changed? It’s not easy, we will tell you that. But, we pray each day for Jesus to give us enough grace to get through each minute of each day without her.
Some of the things we are struggling with the most during this Christmas season are:
1. Hearing a small infant cry
2. Passing by countless children of all ages as they run around in outdoor play areas
3. Listening to the giggles of small children as they make angels in the snow
4. Thinking back to how we imagined our first Christmas would be with Katelyn
5. Remembering that Christmas Day marks 19 weeks since we lost our little girl.
Some of the things we are doing to avoid these struggles are:
1. Picturing Katelyn making snow angels in Heaven
2. Knowing that Katelyn is spending Christmas with Jesus and the angels
3. Remembering that although we lost Katelyn, she went straight into the arms of Jesus
We hold onto the verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”. There is a season for grief, and there is a season for joy. We are choosing to let Jesus fill our hearts with joy this Christmas. Sure we still grieve, but it is for us, not for Katelyn. She was stillborn, but she was Still Born. She is in Heaven with Jesus. What more could a little girl ask for?
